Morning everyone 
Not sure if I've posted in the right place but I'm currently 4 weeks pregnant after losing a baby back in early May at 13 weeks. I was devastated and after my loss I sunk into bad depression, something I've suffered with my whole life on and off since teenage years.
We knew the baby had died at 11 weeks and I had to wait 2 weeks to have a termination as it didn't pass naturally. In this time I was drinking quite a lot and was in a bad place.
One night during this time my fiancé was sleeping and I went down his phone. I'd never done this in the 2 years we have been together but I had a gut feeling. He had become very distant during my pregnancy and began taking his phone everywhere. I never imagined what I was going to see. I felt he had been being 'off' but we spend all of our time together pretty much unless he's working.
His phone was full of calls and messages to escorts, he would meet them in hotels during his lunch period. He has a child from a previous relationship and was telling the child's mother how much he loves her and misses her (the ex not the child), he had even met a pre-op transvestite male in a hotel one afternoon when he said he had been at work. My whole world shattered. I'd just lost our baby and now this.
I confronted him but he convinces me I'm the crazy one and denies everything. You can't hold a conversation with him as he gets angry and twists things. He eventually cried and apologised and said how stupid he had been and how he can't live without me.
I know I should have run a mile then but I was in such a low place I didn't want to be alone. I was desperately sad about the baby and just wanted to try again for another one so I stupidly forgave him and began TTC straight away. I got a BFP almost immediately and am now 4 weeks along. Im so anxious this time in my pregnancy after what happened before and I feel more alone than ever. I don't want to tell anyone until at least 12 weeks this time and every day feels like a year.
He's such a loving partner and I still can't believe what he did to me, it doesn't make sense in my head as although I've seen it with my own eyes he is such a good liar and almost convinces me it isn't true. Since being together we have sex every day and do absolutely everything together, I just can't understand why I'm not enough for him. Sometimes when he's been drunk and we have sex he has scared me a few times as he gets really dominant and changes his whole persona. I don't say anything as would rather he is like it with me than to go somewhere else.
Not sure if anyone would have had similar experiences but advice would be welcomed. Pretty sure I know what the advice will be, I know what I'd be saying to do if it were one of my Friends but being in the situation yourself is incredibly hard.
TIA 