39 weeks as well as supporting Mum through anxiety

[sunshinecitrus1]

So just to give a bit of background on my Mum... She has always been an anxiety sufferer from as young as I can remember. We have always been very close. Unfortunately for my family (especially my Mum), there has been a lot of loss in the family that has not made things easy over the last 6 years. During this time, my Mum has lost her Mum and Brother (she lost her Dad and Sister a few years previously before that) and then back in October just gone, she lost my Step-Dad, her partner, to a horrible battle with cancer.

At the moment she is trying to get her life back on track. Our family isn't huge so her main support unit is myself and sister and she has a handful of friends to support her. She was also going counselling a little while back and then her sessions ended and thankfully a lot of her anxiety lifted so she didn't feel like she needed to go back to her counsellor. I have also always been a "go to" in terms of her anxiety because I have studied Counselling in the past so she knows I can relate and that I understand. I have also suffered with anxiety myself on and off in the past. She has said on more than one occasion how she finds me even more helpful than her actual counsellor.

I am really happy that she finds comfort in talking to me and that I can provide her with that help and support. However, throughout the majority of my pregnancy, she has been suffering on and off with her anxiety. In the early stages, I would speak with her every single day / evening going over her anxiety and reassuring her which did get to me at one point because I was trying to get my head around being pregnant and basically, had my own stuff going on. Fast forward a few more months, I am now almost 39 weeks pregnant and her anxiety has flared up again. The last few days, she keeps telling me that she is suffering with her anxiety again and it is making her feel uncomfortable etc. and I can just see that same pattern from a few months back creeping back in. I completely appreciate how hard anxiety can be, how uncomfortable it makes you feel and I really hate life for what it has put my Mum through over the years. I would ALWAYS help her and support her where I can but at this stage in my pregnancy, it is just not something that I need.

I have told my Mum that she needs to contact her counsellor again as any day now I am going to have a baby and I am not going to be able to support her like I have in the past so she needs to build that support network back up without relying on me too much. She seemed to listen to what I said but hasn't done anything about it. Her anxiety does take over and I know sometimes she gets so caught up with it that she forgets to consider that others may be going through their own stuff as she is in such a mind fog. It's also such a shame because she has always been so excited to become a grandmother and for part of the pregnancy when she has been feeling good, she has been really into it but when she is suffering with her anxiety it's almost like it doesn't matter.

I am not quite sure what I am expecting anyone to say here, I just wanted to vent really. My sister is younger than me and doesn't really understand anxiety (she has never suffered with it personally) so I know she wouldn't gain the same support from her as she does me and my Mum doesn't discuss her anxiety with her friends or other family members so I really do feel like she just puts all of this on me which is really unfair. I need to get through to her to get back on to her counsellor but I know I need to tread carefully with how I handle it because I don't want to make things worse nor upset her.

Anyone?

Sorry you’re going through this in my opinion having suffered from anxiety and now on long term medication, I think she needs to see her doctor again. It doesn’t sound like the counselling sessions are working for her in the long term, so maybe a discussion about medication might be helpful as well as reintroducing proper counselling sessions. I know it’s a big step and can feel daunting but for me, getting on the right medication was life changing.

Hope all goes well with your birth

@Tryingandhoping2020 Thanks for coming back to me. My Mum has been on medication for the long term and I am pretty sure they adjusted her dose back in October around the time she lost her partner but like you say, maybe it is a good thing for her to go back and reevaluate. It’s a horrible situation, I just want her to be super excited about her first grandchild but when anxiety takes over like this it’s really hard. At the same time, I have got to put myself first at this point. Thanks for your reply and I am glad you feel like you are on the right path now you have adjusted your medication

Some people have to try a few different medications and doses before they find one that helps, definitely encourage her to visit her GP — she needs some professional support, and as you rightly said, you can’t be responsible for her wellbeing and that of a newborn who will be totally reliant on you! You can still be there for her, but the responsibility for her needs to be passed on to a professional now. Good luck x

Hi- sorry you are going through this, it's so hard trying to care for someone with severe anxiety, let alone when pregnant.

I think you've said the right thing and she should speak to her GP and perhaps look in to cognitive behaviour therapy who can give her some tools so she can help herself a bit.

My mum has suffered with severe anxiety for years now and it's hard on everyone but I find it so hard now I have a baby to look after and another on the way. Like you say, you won't have as much time on your hands as you have done.

@Amichelle84 Thanks for your reply. It is definitely very difficult as obviously you don’t want to make the situation worse for that other person and you don’t want them to feel like a burden so they close up and stop opening up. We made a bit of progress today as she has made contact with her counsellor again and is seeing her Saturday. I just want her to use this time wisely now to build up on her support network because it’s clear she needs more help. In the nicest way, it is nice to know I am not the only one dealing with this type of situation too. It must be really hard for you. Has your Mum seeked professional help or do you feel like the responsibility still falls on you / other family members?

She did at first, hers started gosh about 15 years ago. She had counselling to deal with the cause, cbt, and was on medication for a bit. She managed reasonably well but little things will set it back off and she will speak to her GP but won't take medication unless she's very bad which is frustrating. Lockdown has made it worse but she won't really seek help. It's a bit like she's reverted back to being a baby and very helpless.

It's good your mum is getting help and the support system is so valuable. It doesn't help that a lot of the support is so hard for people to access.

My husband also suffers from Anxiety and I’m also 39 weeks so know exactly what you’re going through. I do things for him like calling doctors and collecting medication as it can all just be too overwhelming for him. Especially talking on the phone to anyone, he wouldn’t bother if it was just down to him.

Could you speak to your Mum’s counsellor for her and get the ball rolling there? It could be that even just contacting the counsellor is too much for her right now.

Good luck!

@plantgirl4 It's nice to hear you are able to relate to me It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your husband where he needs it. He is definitely lucky to have you! My Mum has booked a counselling session for this Saturday so that is a little progress, the problem is, these sessions cost £50 each and she won't be able to afford to keep these up. Problem is, I think in the past she has found her quite helpful so depending how things go I am not sure whether she could contact her GP and seek alternative help and change counsellors. It's just a little bit annoying as I guess she would have to tell "her story" from the beginning again that's all.