Desperate for another baby

[babysnowman]

I'm hoping someone can help with advice/ encouragement.

Background is we were trying for two years including two miscarriages before I fell pregnant again in August 2018 and had my daughter in April 2019. We started trying for a second last September, I fell pregnant the second month in October, but sadly had another miscarriage in December. This one seems much more difficult to deal with.

We've been trying again since then with no luck. Every month I get my hopes up and then dashed again. Mentally I'm finding this really hard to cope with. Part of me wants to take a break for a few months to get a break from this rollercoaster but I'm so conscious of a) my age - 36, b) I wanted a smallish gap between my children but this is getting wider with every month that passes, and c) I'm scared of the 'what ifs' as in 'what if the month I take a break is a month I could've gotten pregnant'.

I've had blood tests etc at the GP but everything was normal. I don't know what to do or where to turn to. My husband says we should just see what happens but I can't relax when I'm so aware of my monthly cycle. I suffer with anxiety which I'm in therapy for, but this issue and the constant rollercoaster is impacting how I feel daily.

I just feel so sad. My baby should have been born this month, but instead I'm sitting here wondering if I'll ever have another. My daughter is the joy of my life and I'm so, so lucky to have her but I wasn't ready for that to be my only/ last baby.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, but just need to open up somewhere.

@babysnowman sorry that your going through this.
It's so tough.
I started trying in 2019, it took 10/11 months to fall pregnant and it felt like an eternity. I too suffer from anxiety and those 11 months really took its toll on my mental health. I then miscarried at 12 weeks.
My due date was hard, and its hard seeing people's babies who were born around a similar time. Even more so because I'm still not pregnant.
Like you I have 1 amazing DC but the age gap will be over 7 years now if it ever happens (I'm fine with that though) I appriciate you want a smaller gap, but whatever the age difference I'm sure you will create a special bond. The hardest bit is not knowing if it will ever happen again and I can't stand the thought of my miscarriage being my last ever pregnancy.
I know this isn't a post filled with positivity or hope. But please know your not alone.
We will get through this, and I'm sure it's so likely that one day our dcs will have siblings. Times are tough, but so are we and I hope your daughter helps you get through these difficult stages! Sending good luck to you!

I was where you were 2 years ago - had one DD after a miscarriage and started trying when she was 1 and I was nearly 35 Went on to have 4 miscarriages and ended up losing both tubes to 2 ectopics by age 36 so IVF was our only option then.

Obviously as you have a child you aren't eligible for IVF on the NHS but is it something you would explore? I know lots of people your age and older who kept at it and did eventually have a baby but it took 2 years or more - the ones who wanted to speed up the process went down the IVF route with mixed success

I think you also need to let yourself grieve for the family you imagined you'd have - not to say you won't ever have another child - but more for the age gap siblings you had pictured in your mind.
Honestly some of the closest siblings I know have more than a 2 year age gap

Also try not to think that you are wasting an egg/opportunity by skipping a month TTC - think of it as more waiting for the best one?

Secondary infertility in many ways can be as painful as primary infertility it's just something that we don't always want to talk about lest we upset someone who doesn't have their first child yet.

@Snoopysnores thanks so much for your lovely reply, you've made me cry (in a nice way!). It's nice to be reminded we're not alone. I keep seeing other people get pregnant and feel like it's just passing me by. I also feel like people stop listening at a certain point after a miscarriage so you deal with that by yourself too. I don't know why I'm so bothered by the age gap, probably just another self inflicted 'rule' that I've applied to make myself feel worse 😂.

Sending you lots of luck too xx

I’m sorry.

Can you afford to go to a fertility clinic to rule out secondary infertility?

@ivfgottwins Thanks for the lovely reply. Sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time too. I really like the idea of waiting for the best month if I do decide to take a break, I think that'd help me frame it better in my head!

I've started googling ivf but honestly I find it all quite overwhelming, I don't even know where to begin with it all.

@BlueSurfer possibly, not sure what point we do that though? I thought it was at 6 months if you were over 35 but GP seemed to suggest it was once you reach a year of trying with no results

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this , I can totally relate. My first DD was such a long for baby after a very traumatic miscarriage. She is my world, but I always knew I wanted more than one. TTC my second took a while, with one early miscarriage along the way. I can totally relate to the feelings that you are describing of feeling down about it everyday and worrying about the increasing age gap. Sometimes I would also stress/ feel guilty that I was missing out on enjoying the time I had with DD while she was small, stressing about whether I would ever have no. 2.

I don’t know what I can say that will help, as I don’t know what would have helped me at the time. But I tried to focus on the things I could control: staying as healthy a possible/ eating well/ exercising etc. I also did other things, like getting a fertility MOT and a hycosy, it was expensive, but it helped me feel like I was taking steps/ doing everything I could. The cycle immediately after my hycosy, I fell pregnant again. I’m Currently 22 weeks. And now I’m thinking that although I wanted the baby earlier, there are lots of positives to the slightly larger age gap, and I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on myself.

Just wanted to share a positive story and to let you know your feelings are so normal and you are not alone!! Hoping it happens for you really soon xxx

Ps. I’m 37 x

I too was in your position and I agree about the age gap playing on your mind. Also, you feel you can't really complain about it as there is the 'at least you have one child' mentality. I ended up with a just over 3 year age gap rather than just over 2 years. Most of the time I'm happy with what I have but sometime comments bother or I feel a bit envious of people with the gap I wanted. Its true what @ivfgottwins said about grieving for the family you thought you would have.

I also drove myself mad about secondary infertility and the awful feeling about the passing of time.

I too considered taking a break from the relentless waiting (waiting for ovulation, waiting for period, and over and over) and symptom spotting and hope/disappointment that was taking over my life; however, I knew that if I did take a break it wouldn't stop me thinking and worrying about it so I kept on going.

Are you on the TTC after a MC board. I'm sure it must still be going and it was a life line for me. I can't express how much it helped channel all those emotions as I could share them with others who understood.

I'm hope you won't have to wait too long. When you have your baby you will know it was the one worth waiting for.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this… it must be so hard not to put pressure on yourself and let it become all consuming.
If it helps, whatever age gap you have, your kids will still have an incredible, albeit different, bond. There are 10 years between my sister and I and we are best of friends.
I would say I don’t think 36 is too old… there are plenty of people that have their first in their 40s, so I would be tempted to say to try and take the pressure off yourself, concentrate on your well-being, stop tracking for a few months and see what happens xxx

@babysnowman really sorry for your losses.

After my mmc, I put so much pressure on myself to conceive and I was petrified that I wouldn't be pregnant by the due date. I think you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure because of that significance too . Spoiler: I wasn't pregnant by the due date and then in my heart I just gave up and felt like I could move on. I didn't have another baby to focus on and that special date was gone too. The very next cycle, I fell pregnant with my now daughter.

The moral is, please be kind to yourself. Maybe still try ttc but not use ovulation sticks. Don't track your cycle after your period. Just dtd every other day and see what happens.

@Bizawit Congratulations, that must be such a relief after everything you've been through. Some really good advice, thank you. I hadn't heard of a hycosy, I'm going to look into that x

@theAntsareMyFriends @SillyBry @Chanel05 thank you all so much. I don't know why the pressure on the age gap, I hadn't stood back and realised the pressure I was putting myself under to be pregnant again by the due date. I think I had also convinced myself when I found out I was pregnant that two years was the ideal gap and now that it won't be that, anything else feels too long?

Thank you all for being so nice, honestly I feel so alone sometimes that it's just lovely to have people be so kind.

I spent about 13 months TTC baby 2 before getting pregnant. I had a mc in that time and actually fell pregnant the month our miscarried baby would have been born. I'm now pregnant with baby 3 and I expected it to take forever, it happened first month.

It's a weird thing in the time when you're in it and very hard to deal with but I would recommend to keep trying and it sounds like the GP has found no problems so it's likely you will get pregnant at some point. It took my body a long time to recover form miscarriage I think.

It was just when I decided to take a break from trying and also I had accepted a new job, when I found out I was pregnant with baby 2.

I hope it happens for you soon. Try to be easy on yourself. I found when I stopped taking note of my cycles and just had sex on set days each week, it took the pressure off and that was the month I fell pregnant.

I wanted an age gap a year less than we ended up with too but it has worked out great. Two kids get along fabulously and love each other dearly and that's all that matters 🙂 I'm sure your children will get along no matter the age gap.

I remember the ticking away, month by month, as the age gap I wanted disappeared and everyone around me (it seemed) had second or even third children. Doubled, in fact, from two to four years (and they’re as close as anything). And the guilt that I had a healthy child which is more than some people had. It’s hideous. The tears I’ve cried in toilets :(

Anyway, you’re not alone. I hope for a happy outcome for you.

[quote babysnowman]@BlueSurfer possibly, not sure what point we do that though? I thought it was at 6 months if you were over 35 but GP seemed to suggest it was once you reach a year of trying with no results [/quote]

It's 6 months if you are aged over 35 but honestly because you aren't eligible for IVF they'll just run basic tests on you like a blood test to check you are ovulating and maybe a sperm test for your partner but that's it really. They are limited in what they can and want to offer as they know that even if your results came back suggesting there was an issue you'd ultimately have to pay privately for treatment x

I may not be of help here but I struggled to conceive my first (currently 17 weeks pregnant). It took 2 years exactly and all our tests came back as 'normal' (whatever that's supposed to mean). I put myself under immense pressure and I got to a stage where each month getting my period was the worst thing in the world and I just couldn't move on. The month we conceived, I had been going to weekly acupuncture and I used the Ferti Lily conception cup. I appreciate that these things are costly especially when there are no guarantees, and you may have already tried them, but I know something different happened for me that month. And it wasn't just down to 'oh you just need to relax' or 'book a holiday' as so many people were telling me (and making me less likely to relax as a result!)

That's the thing, my blood tests were fine and I know I'm ovulating as I do the tests every month so it just seems like bad luck it's not working out at the moment.

@ChikiTIKI @HorriderHenry it's lovely to hear about the closeness with a bigger age gap.

Agree with the guilt too, my daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I worry/ feel guilty that I'm not totally present in these precious years with her.

I know so many people that get pregnant first time, every time, and have never had a miscarriage. I know it's not their fault but it feels so bloody unfair

@babysnowman it’s weird how our hormones work. I had always told myself that we would start trying for number 2 once my eldest turned 3, so she would have her free hours at nursery when I was on maternity leave/not have 2 nursery bills, which wouldn’t be that affordable for us.
But COVID hit and the drs wouldn’t remove my implant. Said it wasn’t a medical necessity and even though it was expiring, it was actually going to work for another year. They told me to ring back when lockdown (1) ended. Even though this was only a rough plan in my head, my hormones were suddenly desperate to have another baby!! Totally crazy as it wasn’t rational!
Luckily by July, my GP decided due to my age and situation (I’m only 34!) she would make an exception and remove it. (Basically I think she just bent the rules a little as she was lovely…)
I fell pregnant instantly… but it was ectopic and ended in surgery and a 3 month recovery time.

I can’t say I understand how it feels to try for a long time as I’m very lucky at falling fast (too fast sometimes!!), but from that experience, I do know how your brain and hormones play tricks on you making it all consuming when you decide you want it.
I am 34 weeks pregnant again now and due in September. My daughter will be starting school by the time I give birth (probably on the same day knowing my luck 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️), so it’s a bigger gap than I’d planned… but actually, the more I think about it, the more I sell myself the advantages of a bigger gap. She’s much more self sufficient. I’ll have time with the baby whilst she’s at school. No nursery bills on maternity leave etc.
There is no perfect time - but when it happens, it will all work out 😊😊

I am also suffering from secondary infertility. We had originally intended a two year age gap, had multiple early miscarriages, going to start IVF process at end this year so gap will be more like 4/5 years if we're successful.

It sucks but it is what it is. Silver linings and all that. If we are successful, my life will be so much easier with a bigger age gap than with two close in age and my DC actually seems to like the idea of having a baby around the place (we had started discussing this in very general terms before last MC). At 2, I think they would have hated having a sibling. If we're not successful, we've always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise and DC will just be getting to the age when long-haul travel with children seems less of a torture.

Same as you though, it's not what I would have chosen .

You won't be able to get IVF on the NHS, but have you had tests done/seen a gynaecologist? You can be scanned for things like cysts and polyps which might be stopping you getting pregnant. Ask your GP to refer you.