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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Boyfriends friend staying over, I'm 34 weeks

24 replies

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 18:49

So, I was wondering if anyone else has had this issue and has any advice!
I'm 20 and 34 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend and I currently have his friend living with us temporarily as his girlfriend and him broke up and both his parents past away last month.

I feel like I'm living with students again, just today, I unloaded all the shopping, did all the washing up, emptied the bin, emptied the recycling bin to put out, fed the dog, cooked my food, wiped all the surfaces, tidied the dogs toys up, binned all their coke cans and folded all the clothes, whilst they sat down 'exhausted' and didn't do anything.

I'm struggling as my mental health isn't great, and the friend staying with us has got out of a toxic relationship and he talks about it all the time. I was in an abusive relationship last year and am currently still dealing with the trauma, being reminded of it every day is really triggering. I can't ask him to leave as he doesn't move into his new house for a month, but I'm worried my baby will arrive before then.

The house is always messy and I'm trying to keep it ready for the baby but my boyfriend and his friend just are so messy and leave food out, drinks cans and tobacco everywhere.

This friend also smokes weed outside , I'm not against cannabis buttt I don't want to be breathing it in second hand, and he smokes outside under the baby's to be room. The house is starting to smell and I also don't want to be judged by the neighbours.

I really don't know what to do :( I feel awful but I'm almost more stressed on maternity leave than I was when I was at work! My boyfriend works 16 hour shifts so we don't see each other anyway and I just worry for when my baby is here, that post partum depression is going to hit me and that I'll struggle even more.

Sorry this is so long, does anyone have any suggestions or advice? 🥺 thank you in advance.

OP posts:

CanofCant · 26/07/2021 18:59

Tell him to leave for goodness sake. He can't stay there and you have done enough. If I were you I'd get rid of them both. Your boyfriend is failing you.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 19:01

Oh go, get both of them to leave. If your boyfriend can't see what's wrong with this then he's just as bad.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 19:01

Oh god, get both of them to leave. If your boyfriend can't see what's wrong with this then he's just as bad.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 19:02

Just realised you're only 20. Do you have any real life support, OP?

Dany165 · 26/07/2021 19:05

I would agree with the above. Who is on the rental/mortgage agreement? Can you lay down rules or will it rely on your boyfriend (who doesn't sound responsible tbh)? If he is happy to let his girlfriend struggle that doesn't bode well for parenting together equally.

QueeniesCroft · 26/07/2021 19:11

Sometimes the only solution is a Massive Tantrum. It's a shame for the friend that he has all these problems, but he is dumping the consequences of his problems onto you, and that isn't right. Your only concern should be resting and preparing for the birth of your baby. Oh, and getting everything in place for being a single parent (no crystal ball or anything, but I'm very old, and I've seen this drama play out on a few different stages!).

What is your housing situation? Do you have anywhere to go if you need to? Can you confide in your midwife? Mine was brilliant when my husband needed a rocket up his arse!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2021 19:16

Stop being a doormat, op, and it's high time you learn about making and enforcing boundaries. Tell you partner the friend leaves within 48 hours, you expect him to help clean up, and there will be no more weed smoking anywhere on the property. It's time for everyone involved to grow up.

Loki01 · 26/07/2021 19:26

I don't know. He lost both of his parents last month. Presumably, he is also very young.
I would cut him some slack and I wouldn't throw him away. You do all need to sit down and get some rules though.

Loki01 · 26/07/2021 19:28

He will be gone in a month!

aivilodraw1990 · 26/07/2021 19:29

I wouldn’t tell him to leave just ask them to clean up after themselves, you’ve got a voice woman, use it.

Mummy2O · 26/07/2021 19:34

I think you all need to sit down and discuss your living situation and set some boundaries with the friend (also confirming a date when he will be moving out). All people living there need to pitch in on the chores. Either the help out or move out. You are not their mum!

The weed smoking needs to stop on your property. It is out of order.

Nextchapterofmybook · 26/07/2021 19:44

Why are you such a people pleaser? Time to put yourself and your baby first. Get him out.

AlmostSummer21 · 26/07/2021 20:19

He's split up with his partner & lost both his parents, I wouldn't ask him to leave, but what I would do is talk to your partner. Tell him that if they want to talk about the friends relationship/breakup they need to go out pub/walk/footy down the park because it's triggering for you and you don't want that in your home. That NO ONE is to smoke weed anywhere on your property and if he/they don't start respecting you, you will be gone/kick him out (depending on who own/rents the property). Tell him this is not going to carry on because it's not the way you want your pregnancy to end/your child to start their life. Ask him if he wants to be a family or fuck off and be an irresponsible ' lad' with the boys?! Friend can stay, but time to grow the fuck up

PersonaNonGarter · 26/07/2021 20:21

Can a mutual friend have him?

Can you move back to your parents for a month?

Honestly, this is a very bad start for a young family.

Original poster

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 20:54

@HollowTalk

Just realised you're only 20. Do you have any real life support, OP?

I thankfully have my parents who live about 40 mins a way and are really supportive I just feel bad piggybacking off of them all the time and asking my mum for help :(

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 20:56

@Dany165

It's both of us. As I'm not working, he's paying the majority of rent bht I handle all the bills/ and rent he sends me the money and I sort it all.

We've had some big talks recently about how unsupported I've felt and my parents are also wanting to have a chat with him to just make him aware of everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 20:58

@Loki01

I don't know. He lost both of his parents last month. Presumably, he is also very young. I would cut him some slack and I wouldn't throw him away. You do all need to sit down and get some rules though.

That's my issue 100% I would love to 'not be a doormat' but also, this friend really has been through the absolute worst and he is a lovely person it's just the timing suckssss

OP posts:

QueeniesCroft · 26/07/2021 20:59

Your mum would probably rather you asked her for help than let yourself and your baby suffer.

Be honest with her, that way if the situation ever becomes urgent, you don't need to waste time on the backstory, and she can get to you more quickly. She will also be able to give you advice based on your true situation.

Original poster

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 21:00

@Mummy2O

The weed smoking needs to stop on your property. It is out of order.

Thank you :)) I think I will, the next day they're both off im going to try and talk to them as it's starting to stress me so much.

Thankfully my boyfriend is just as irritated at the weed smoking as he hates it and has told him to at least stop rolling in the house. I think I'm going to suggest he goes for a walk to smoke, there's a big park 5 mins away.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparkplugg · 26/07/2021 21:03

@PersonaNonGarter

Can a mutual friend have him?

Can you move back to your parents for a month?

Honestly, this is a very bad start for a young family.

I know it is and that's what upsets me I want to do the best I can for my child, and prior to the friend being here things were going really well and we were both doing chores and all that householdy stuff but it's since the friend has been here things have just changed.

My boyfriend is also under a lot of strain, he has an incompetent manager who's never at work and his mum has also been diagnosed with breast cancer - not that they're excuses mind you.

OP posts:

badatcrochet1996 · 26/07/2021 23:43

It's affecting you and your baby. No drugs or smell of drugs in the house.

Imagine if your health visitor or community midwife came to visit you at home before your baby comes (or after) and they smell weed. Alarm bells would immediately be ringing and they may question how your unborn baby is being safeguarded.

It's not on, at all. The smoking needs to stop right now. You're being so good letting him stay, but the mess and laziness is completely unacceptable from both of them. You are heavily pregnant and household jobs need to be split fairly.

I understand your partner works long hours and you are home at the moment so 50/50 split of cleaning may not work, but it's incredibly unfair for them to leave a mess for you to clean. Tell them to clean their shit up or the friend is going. You will not live like this. Etc.

Loki01 · 27/07/2021 10:39

@sparkplugg
Yeah:(.

Ask him not to smoke weed on the property and tell your boyfriend he really needs to pull a finger out of his bum and do some cleaning.
Hopefully, it will all end before the baby is here.

Peachee · 27/07/2021 20:22

You can change your mind.. say that you thought it was a good idea but it’s unsustainable with the baby coming.. tell a white lie if you have to but don’t put yourself through this xx

Berthatydfil · 27/07/2021 20:42

Well motherhood will be a doddle as you seem to have 2 man children already.
Give your dp an ultimatum,
1 he steps up and pulls his weight around the house,
2 friend needs to go and soon - the baby could arrive very soon - at best you have 6 or 7 weeks but it could be less so he needs to go- the friend is an adult and can look after himself unlike a tiny baby.
3 pack a bag and go up to your mothers for a couple of days and tell him that if 1 and 2 haven’t happened you won’t be back.

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