Happy to be pregnant but ashamed of myself

[BeeDis]

Hi guys,

Well it's been a bit of a rollercoaster for me this week. I am now about 7 and a half weeks pregnant and I am now feeling rather down in the dumps. A couple of nights ago my lower back started aching, I tried to stretch it out and wait for it to pass...but kept worsening, until by about 2am it was just unbearable and completely immobilising and I finally allowed my husband to convince me to go to the hospital.

I received treatment and the baby is fine, we saw an ultrasound and heard the little heartbeat...and my heart just swelled!

The problem is I am obese, and I am 34...and this back crisis has just driven that home and has made me feel hopeless, ashamed and embarrassed by myself. I'm almost 15 stone and 5ft6 and have struggled with weight my entire life. I had been doing really well with managing weight before covid...but endless lockdowns have not made it any easier. My doctor's made it clear to me that my bad back was due to my heavy weight, and that with my "advanced" age I really should have lost more weight before getting pregnant.

Now I just feel awful and quite depressed, and still in a lot of pain. I feel guilty about getting pregnant, so scared that this may harm the baby and terrified the whole pregnancy will be like this and worse.

So sorry to vent but i just needed a place to just let it out

Bee

'Advanced age' at 34!! 😮

I was the same BMI with my 2 and had 2 healthy pregnancies and babies so I really don’t think you need to worry from that angle.
If you’re concerned, just make sure you’re eating really well and taking daily exercise - it’s all you can do at this point really! I lost weight while pregnant with my eldest as I was eating well and exercising daily.

I'm 5'6 and 14st 8, not pregnant and I wouldn't call myself obese. Don't let the doctor pull you down and make you feel ashamed. I've felt bad about my weight all my life installed in childhood by my mother's behaviour. Let your DH support you and enjoy the pregnancy xx

I think the most important thing now is to focus on being as healthy as possible for you and your baby, maybe ask your midwife or gp for some advice about diet and exercise that would be ok for you to try out while pregnant. Do not feel ashamed!! And congratulations

You’re not too old and you’re not too fat. The baby will be absolutely fine. I was actually smaller after having kids than I ever was before, I think it was a combination of breastfeeding and walking my huge heavy baby in his huge heavy pram absolutely everywhere.

I was in my late 30s and overweight for both of my (perfectly healthy) pregnancies and it was all fine but I have suffered back pain since. Pilates is the answer. A good Pilates instructor will make adjustments for pregnant women.

Thank you, i am trying to focus on the positives and have definitely been eating more healthily and carefully since I found out I was pregnant. Just need to keep my chin up!

Why not have a look at some Pilates or Yoga classes to help strengthen your core muscles?

You might find that queasiness and inability to drink alcohol both help you to reduce the obesity so while you progress to term, you don't put on any weight.

Try to walk every day, drink plenty of water (or weak squash) and eat lots of fruit and veg. Walking will help strengthen your back, but don't overdo it. Little and often.

There's no point being ashamed, that won't get you anywhere. You have seven months to gently ease yourself to a better weight. Good luck and congratulations.

Oh ffs! Another way for women to be made to feel guilt!

You're fine, just look after yourself. Eat well and fresh and keep moving. Gentle exercise throughout will help you get back on your feet.

For what it's worth I weighed more than that at both for both of my pregnancies and I was 38 and 39.

Normal labours and births (although a bit quick then 2nd time), low bp and no gestational diabetes.

The midwife said outside if these things it's mobility and monitoring that's important. Keep moving and listen to what the midwife and/or consultants say about monitoring.

But please don't waste time feeling bad about things you can't change now. Celebrate this beautiful thing your body is doing. It's really really amazing!

@BeeDis try not to get yourself down about it as hard has if is! I have a high BMI I'm 32 next week and I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my first. I've struggled my whole life with weight and body image and felt similar at the start of my pregnancy too, but all has been fine. I let my midwife know at my booking appointment about my issues with weight and she put this on file and we agreed I would be weighed as needed throughout but would never be told. No one else I've seen has made a comment or a fuss either. I'm consultant led due to it and had to see the anaesthetist a couple of weeks ok to check my back about epidurals etc when I go into labour but all my scans..midwife checks, bloods etc have all been fine throughout. I'm also starting to appreciate my body more after thinking it's failed me for years that's it's being remarkable growing a tiny human 💙 get yourself a ball to sit on it helps posture and you can do some pregnancy exercises too! 🥰

Don’t let the doctor drag you down. Your back issue may have been nothing to do with your weight! I pulled my back dreadfully once and at the time I was 9 stone and 5ft 7 - I’m now 20 years on that and have the same shape as you but honestly you can’t always predict these things!

Sure eat as well as you can and move as much as you can but this is a really special time for you and you shouldn’t be letting anyone make you feel this down about yourself.

I’m heavier than you but a couple of years younger. My weight does come with increased risks and as such they are built into my care. I will have additional growth scans, have a glucose tolerance test (plus I’ve already had two random blood glucose tests as they seek to test that every time I have bloods taken). I’m more likely to need a c-section and less likely to be able to go to the birthing centre. I’m on low dose aspirin for the risk of pre-eclampsia.

I’ve found it’s very much down to individual health care professionals about they approach my weight. Most have been great and it’s just noted in my notes somewhere about increased BMI. I had a scan at 10 weeks and another at 12 weeks. At 10 weeks they managed to do an abdominal scan but couldn’t at 12 weeks and so was vaginal. It made me feel upset and guilty about not losing weight before getting pregnant. That ultrasound tech made more comments about my weight than the others have, which didn’t help. However, there is not much I can do about it now, other than eat as best I can, stay active and follow the doctors advice. I’m 21 weeks now, my 20 week scan was fine and they managed to get all the measurements that they needed, despite my BMI. The ultrasound tech had to move on to different areas because baby kept wriggling and wouldn’t stay still but they managed to get all readings in that one appointment.

There are a number of reasons in pregnancy that your back, hips and legs could be sore - not all of them related to your weight. I’ve a friend of normal weight and her hip fell out of alignment during pregnancy 😬

OP I really think you'll be fine! There's no point in dwelling on what ifs, you're pregnant now, it's a blessing, enjoy it and look after yourself and baby.

As others have said, eat very well now, not for two. Read up on healthy foods and portion sizes in pregnancy. Go for walks every day. In time you'll start feeling a lot better and without unhealthy foods, alcohol etc. your weight might actually decrease or at least stay similar! Honestly, don't worry. It's time to be healthy now, just do what you can without obsessing about it.

I would say that as someone who had an unnecessary lockdown stone when I got pregnant, I've largely looked after myself food-wise in pregnancy, but unfortunately towards the end I've developed gestational diabetes and have been struggling (I'm 37+4 now). I've been unlucky though! One thing I would say is taking really good care of your diet from now on may protect you from such complications or reduce them, and I would really do that if you can - it's worth it and it will give you more peace of mind 😊 Best of luck xx

37, more overweight than you when o got pregnant woth my twins. Weirdly my bad back is better in pregnancy, something to do woth posture i think once you get a bump. Two 7pb perfectly healthy babies.

You're not 50 and immobilised by fay fgs!!

Also make sure you exercise muscles down below, pelvic floor, hip stretches, back stretches - it's important for all pregnant women and pains and aches are unfortunately a very common issue! xx

So are you going to make efforts to lose some weight? I don't know if it's advised during pregnancy but certainly eating healthy and going on walks will help

My DD was born last year. I had a very similar BMI to you. I was 33. You’ll be absolutely fine. Congratulations!

My doctor's made it clear to me that my bad back was due to my heavy weight, and that with my "advanced" age I really should have lost more weight before getting pregnant.

What's the point in making that clear to you now? Sorry you got such a crappy doctor but I'm glad the ultrasound went well! I'm 34 and pregnant with my first and have never had anything said about my age!

I did slimming world when pregnant and weighed less at the end than at my booking appointment. I’m feeding my one day old 8lb baby as we speak.

I always suffer with my back when pregnant, same when I was younger & slimmer as now when I’m fatter & 40. The pg hormones are to blame as much as anything else. Be careful about lifting things, think about your posture when bending twisting to reach things/ pick things up e.g. I find it much better to kneel to empty the washing machine than bend. I also definitely recommend sitting on a birth ball and getting a long pregnancy pillow as both help your posture & alignment 👍

Don’t feel bad. You’ve done anything wrong or hurt anyone (or their feelings like your Dr). You’ve just fallen into bad habits but habits can be broken.

Turn this into something positive. Start pregnancy yoga classes. Go for daily walks. Eat healthily. Do it with the well-being of your baby in mind. It might be the incentive you need to get out of your rut.

Congratulations xx