Pregnant and tough relationship with my mum

[Hopingandwaiting2021]

I am pregnant and due in December. We've had two previous MCs so we are so thrilled but also anxious. My relationship with my mum hasn't been good for years, and I am worried about how to manage her with a new baby too. She has poor mental and physical health and frequently tells me she is too ill to get out of bed most days. She also has eye problems and probably shouldn't be driving (they live about 50 mins away). However, she doesn't 'believe in' nurseries so thinks she should look after the baby when I return to work. I don't think she is physically able and if I am honest I don't trust her because of how our relationship has been. Has anyone experienced something similar? Any advice very welcome.

I'm not quite sure what the problem is. Your dm isn't fit enough to look after a baby, either physically or mentally. Whether she believes in nurseries isn't the issue. You're the baby's mum. You're the boss. Just tell her, as kindly as you can, that she's not well enough, the distance is a problem anyway, and you've made other arrangements.

Your focus is your child's wellbeing not your mother's feelings.

At best she's wildly optimistic that she will manage and could provide reliable childcare.

Most importantly you don't want to!

If you need a line just say you want her to focus on being grandma and not being childcare. If she won't accept that then feel free to be firmer.

I'd look at why you're even doubting yourself

Thank you both for your replies!
You are totally right that I need to stand my ground more. I think I find it difficult as she won't ever really accept me as an adult, and if I disagree or tell her no, it will be met with a "don't be so stupid". Then the conversation ends. Over time it's erroded all my confidence.

@Laserbird16 I will definitely try that line!

My other line for when my mum seems to be unable to hear no is 'the decision has been made'. I sometimes view it as practice for when my DDs are teenagers

You just need to shut any conversation down. Don’t give her any opportunity.

Not quite the same scenario but mum also has difficulty listening and respecting boundaries. Over time I've got much more direct and firm and just make it clear that the decision has been made. You'll probably find that becoming a mum has a way of you giving much less of a shit about protecting other people's feelings.

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate your advice