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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partners comments upsetting me. Am I being over sensitive?

21 replies

rideo20amal · 22/07/2021 23:09

Sorry bit of a rant..

My partner has made a couple of comments the past few weeks and tonight I just lost it, I don't know if it's my hormones (35 weeks) or if anyone else would be annoyed/upset by these?

First of all a girl I know (he doesn't) had a baby last week, she had a natural birth planned but ended up needing a section, the epidural didn't work and she could feel everything so in the end had to be put to sleep for them to delivery her baby. When I told my partner this he replied with, 'oh imagine how nice and easy that would be just getting put to sleep and waking up to your baby being there' I said how awful and traumatic that must of been for her and how much harder recovery is from that type of birth to a normal v birth and he didn't have much to say (I don't think he believed me)

Then iv been in 2 minds all throughout my pregnancy about breastfeeding which he knows about as with our first I struggled a lot and it really affected my first 2 weeks of being a mum as I was just constantly stressed and felt like a failure as it just wasn't working. I decided that this time I would try again but be prepared with formula and not put so much pressure on myself, iv shared this with my partner and he said 'yeah you at least have to try' I didn't reply to that comment.

But tonight I mentioned that I'd opted for cow and gate formula as I wanted the pre made bottles to take to the hospital with me and they are the ones iv seen most when looking around the shops and he said 'eh don't you just breastfeed' and it was the word 'just' that got to me. When I replied saying how if mentioned to him before about wanting to have the bottles with me too he said 'don't I get an opinion on whether you breastfeed or not'

Like wtf I feel like he is just so ignorant towards things women go through when having/had a baby I told him he needs to do some research but he just said whatever and went to bed saying he was pissed off at me for having a go at him!

I'm now so worried at how he will act and what he will expect from me during and after labour, I don't know how to get through to him at all!

OP posts:

mummabear20202022 · 23/07/2021 00:35

The first two comments I'd have probably just been a bit snarky, wouldn't think too much into it... the last comment I'd have ripped him a new arsehole tbh! Yanbu!

Nat4392 · 23/07/2021 03:32

You are not being over sensitive at all OP. That last comment is grounds for throwing him out of the window. Men are clueless!

PrimeraVez · 23/07/2021 04:03

I mean this kindly, but I think you are being a little over sensitive! His comments wouldn’t have bothered me. Am also heavily pregnant though so fully understand feeling annoyed with everyone and everything though.

Suzi888 · 23/07/2021 04:50

“don't I get an opinion on whether you breastfeed or not” hahaha no he doesn’t! I would’ve lost my temper if my DH said that to me!

He sounds insensitive to say the least, I think he will expect you to do all the feeds, changes and housework tbh. He’s not going to help at all is he…

onelittlefrog · 23/07/2021 05:12

Err no he doesn't get a say in whether you breastfeed or not.

That one would have tipped me over the edge, but all of it shows a lack of basic awareness and empathy.

I hope he's a better parent than partner - I'm not filled with confidence from this post!

sarah13xx · 23/07/2021 05:37

Make him watch one born every minute! That will surely get it through to him 🙈 It’s perfectly understandable that you’ve been offended by those comments. Men get a child out of the situation and even at the conceiving stage I already thought this isn’t fair 😂 I was the one doing all the ovulation tests, keeping track on my app, telling him when we had to ‘try’, waking up early every morning to take a test then being disappointed when my period eventually came. Then there’s the being pregnant for NINE MONTHS bit. Which I’ve actually found a lot easier than I expected but it’s still a major thing every day to carry a baby about with you while you’re partner skips along as just one person 😂 then theres the birth.. surely if he’s seen you give birth before he has some level of respect for that?! And he should try having sore bleeding nipples and see if it’s ‘just’ breastfeeding! I think I’m general people aren’t sympathetic enough. I remember being floored with morning sickness (which has been the only really bad bit for me) but I was literally dying and had no energy. My dad said ‘having a baby is not a disability’ kind of as a joke but I could have slapped him! He has absolutely no idea how hard it is and never will need to know 🤦🏼‍♀️ Small comments like that just stick in your head when you’re already hormonal and exhausted

Sheisfee · 23/07/2021 07:22

My ex partner (DD dad) told me that he wanted me to BF when I was having so much trouble with getting her to latch that I ended up with PND so I kept trying even though it was making me more ill.

He’s my ex for a reason.

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 07:26

There's no such thing as over sensitive. There are no rules or limits. People who love us will respect our sensitivities, even if they don't make any sense or have changed or are fluctuating.

The fact that you are unable to get through to him is more of a concern. Did you tell him he'd hurt your feelings? How did he respond?

girlmom21 · 23/07/2021 07:31

I think you're being over-sensitive and I'm 35 weeks too.

mumofmunchkin · 23/07/2021 09:59

You feel how you feel. If hormones are making your feelings more intense then that doesn't make them less valid, you are still experiencing them, and imo your partner should be seeing that you're under more stress/pressure and making allowances.

I would probably have passed over the first comment as being him not understanding, the second would probably have upset me a bit but (and only you know the answer to this, as you know your partner) could it have been a clumsy attempt to support you in having a go at breastfeeding before going to formula? The third one..... hah! no, they are not his boobs, it's not his emotions and stress, no, he does not get a say in whether you breastfeed - he gets to encourage and support you in your decision.

PrimeraVez · 23/07/2021 11:50

Why doesn’t he get to have an opinion on breastfeeding?! The OP doesn’t have to pay any attention to it, but it’s 50% his child, so surely he’s allowed to at least have an opinion on how it is fed?

I EBF all of my babies which was my choice, as was the decision to stop when I did, but it’s still something we discussed together and he gave me his opinion on.

mumofmunchkin · 23/07/2021 12:24

@PrimeraVez

Your comment has really made me think, and perhaps I expressed myself poorly. Just for context in my own life, I have ebf two of mine, the third I introduced one bottle of expressed milk each day from three weeks old, and I'll probably do the same this time around.

The impression I got from the OP's post was that the partner expected that their opinion would carry significant weight - the OP had already had a bad experience with feeding, had expressed their desire to have bottles as a backup, and then the partner had said did they not get to have an opinion. At that point, where the one who would be doing the breastfeeding has clearly come to a decision, based on past experience, then I really feel that it's the partner's job to support the mother, not to undermine their decision.

Where there's a genuine discussion happening about the pros and cons etc, then yes, the partner absolutely should be able to express an opinion, as long as they recognise that the choice is ultimately down to the person who will be breastfeeding, and that their role is ultimately to support their partner in that choice.

Italiandreams · 23/07/2021 13:00

Not being over sensitive at all, I was back and forth to the hospital with my first trying to establish breast feeding, milk never came in, spent hours trying to pump everyday, took such a toll on my mental health. So no men don’t get such a say as they are not putting themselves through that. We listen to each other but he would absolutely not want to see me out myself through that again. I have exactly the same attitude to breast feeding my next child as you OP and my husband respects that.

mummabear20202022 · 23/07/2021 19:51

@PrimeraVez they can have an opinion all they want in my eyes, however until men are the ones who experience nipple pain/bleeding/cracking, cluster feeding, leaky boobs, over supply, undersupply, blocked ducts or mastitis they don't get to be involved in that decision

Rubyrecka · 23/07/2021 20:16

No your not being over sensitive at all. Maybe he fees he trying to be helpful but it's just coming out completely wrong.

With regard to the breast feeding comment he's been insensitive here but it sounds like it's coming from a good place? Men don't really get a say.

ShiMo · 23/07/2021 20:31

You’re not being sensitive. Two things strike me; you’ve already got a child and he saw you struggle BF and he then tried to blame you by storming off to “bed saying he was pissed off at me for having a go at him”.

Sounds to me he is emotionally manipulative and will turn everything on you when things don’t go his way.

Think you need to have a proper chat about how you feel and that you need him to be more supportive as this is an incredibly vulnerable time for you. If he gets all defensive, you need to question your future with him I’d say.

Wjevtvha · 23/07/2021 20:35

The last comment would have had me totally lose it but I will say that I think men are totally clueless about it all until they live it. They don’t talk about it with their friends like we do or really pay attention to it until they’re in it. Try not to assume what he’ll be like before it happens

Waitwhat23 · 23/07/2021 20:37

I got mastitis and remember crying every time my baby wanted to feed because I knew how much it was going to hurt.

He's not going to risk mastitis, cluster feeding, issues with latch, having to use ridiculous amounts of lanolin to stop cracked nipples etc etc so no, he doesn't get an opinion. You are not being over sensitive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 20:44

@PrimeraVez

I EBF all of my babies which was my choice, as was the decision to stop when I did, but it’s still something we discussed together and he gave me his opinion on.

He can have all the opinions he wants. He doesn't get a say.

I'd ask for permission to affix bulldog clips to his nipples at random points of the day and night for several weeks. Then he gets a vote.

Meggymoo777 · 23/07/2021 20:50

@mummabear20202022

The first two comments I'd have probably just been a bit snarky, wouldn't think too much into it... the last comment I'd have ripped him a new arsehole tbh! Yanbu!

YANBU - I'm would think the exact same as @mummabear20202022 ... first 2 comments, bit naïve of him... third one, I'd be going for the fucking jugular.

Ameteurmum · 25/07/2021 05:19

I know it’s both of your baby but it’s your body and your sanity so I would do you! My husband has jokingly (better have been a joke…) suggested I breastfeed so he doesn’t have to contribute with feeding. No thanks. You’ve sat on your ass since conception pal, it’s 50/50 once they are born 😂🙈

My other two were bottle fed and that’s how we roll over here

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