Did anyone feel guilty about a complicated pregnancy?

[ActonBell]

I had an ectopic in January resulting in emergency surgery and 3 weeks off work. Amazingly, despite fertility issues and losing a tube we fell pregnant again soon after but this pregnancy has been so complicated.

I have had debilitating all day sickness since week 5 that is just starting to ease off at week 17. Then I was found to have an incompetent cervix and ended up having an emergency stitch this week to try to keep the pregnancy going.

I know it’s not my fault but I feel so guilty that I’m putting my family through this, especially my little boy. Mummy has been ill for practically the whole of 2021 so far, whether it’s recovering from surgery, grieving, throwing up or recovering from surgery again. My husband is having to take on so much because I can’t help and the only family we have near are my parents who are quite elderly now.

We haven’t been able to have a holiday because of the regular checks I need at the hospital and our fears about what might happen.

I also feel guilty about work because I keep needing time off and I’m not able to give my best when I can work. This year has just flattened me. I’m exhausted all the time and now we have a very anxious 6 weeks as we try to get to 24 weeks as our first milestone. I’ll be reviewed at the hospital every 10 days and they are not overly optimistic based on how short my cervix was when the stitch went in.

I was thinking of ringing the GP this week to get an extended sick note as I can’t think straight at all just now but then the guilt comes back and I think I’ll just have to find a way to carry on.

Again, even though it’s not my fault, it feels like because I chose to be pregnant that this is also something I’ve chosen in some weird way and so I’m responsible for all the disruption.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Sorry you're feeling like this. It's not your fault and you definitely didn't choose this. Just to flip perspective, (I'm assuming) your husband also decided to try for a baby, and I'm sure you would never want him to feel as though he chose this by making that decision. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Also with regards to your sick note, I can understand why you'd feel bad for work but wouldn't it be better that they knew for sure you were off, rather than you trying to muddle through and calling in sick last minute?
Hope it gets easier soon

oh you poor thing.

your little one will have no memory of you being ill, thankfully, so why I get why you're feeling guilty (missed opportunities are a sorry business) but it won't cause permanent damage to him.
you are there, you love him, that's all that matters. once you had this baby and recovered you'll be able to do more with him.

and please snap out of "you chose this". that's bull.
yes you chose the pg but you didn't choose or facilitate the complications.
I didn't choose for my DS4 to be footling breech that resulted in ELSC and whatever hardships that resulted in.
A friend didn't choose to have nerve damage that put her in the wheelchair while pg, this rendering her fairly unable to look after her 2 young kids.
Another friend had issues with her cervix at 4m so she needed stitches to shut it tight to save the pregnancy. she was on bedrest until baby was born - again, her husband had to do the lion's share of looking after their little boy.

I could bring many more examples and not once would you blame pregnant women for having complications - I'm sure you would say the same things I'm (we are) telling you, that it's just life & bad luck.
so I beg you, please be at least as kind to yourself as you would be total strangers, ok?
stop beating yourself up, you are just wasting precious energy & mental resources.
you are in a difficult situation but as you already said none of it is your fault.
so focus on that.
it will be ok.
sending you gentle hugs❤

Aw you lovely, no it's not ypur fault, no you didn't choose this.

PP said it perfectly!
Be kind to your self as you would be to a stranger!

Sending hugs and prayers for you

What everyone else said. Also, if getting signed off means more rest means a potentially better outcome (I don’t know, but you / your Dr should) then please do it.

I can sympathise with you - I also suffered an ectopic pregnancy and spent afternoons in bed, hiding from my daughter as it hurt so much. Then disappearing for unexpected surgery, followed by recovery time. It sucks. And even months on, my daughter would say "you won't go away to hospital again will you?" I was only gone about 24 hours.. but clearly it impacted her!

However, I have to remind myself that these things happen - I didn't choose them and it is by no means anyone's fault.
Just keep telling yourself that pregnancy (even with complications) is not forever. At the moment, you need to be kind to yourself and not add extra burdon by blaming yourself. It WILL get better - this will pass!