Should I get a termination? Please give advice

[annon1234567]

Hi. A year ago, I fell pregnant and got a termination as I had only been with my partner a couple of months and it wasn’t something we felt ready for in the slightest. I spent October-June crying my eyes out every day regretting my decision and was in physical pain over how much I wanted to be a mum.

I took a pregnant test 2 days ago and it was positive. I am very much into signs from the powers which be etc and as I have fallen pregnant the exact same week yet a year apart I feel like it’s sort of fate. I thought if I ever accidentally fell pregnant that I’d be over the moon and certain that I’d keep the child but I’m actually slightly conflicted and was looking to see if anyone had been in a similar position.

I am 21 and a full time student, I work 12 hours a week in an office and have extremely little income, my partner is 20 and a full time apprentice meaning he doesn’t earn much money and neither of us finish for another 2 years. We both currently live at home but the rent in Edinburgh is extortionate for 1/2 bed flats and would take up around 70% of our income after bills.

My partner was always sure he wanted us to get a termination but has always said he would support me 200% if I wanted to keep the baby as he saw the mental effects a termination had on me previous. When discussing my positive test he has said he’s slightly swayed onto the side of wanting to have the baby this time but I fear he is only ‘wanting’ the baby because he is scared he’ll lose me otherwise.

I am very conflicted on what is right to do. I grew up in a household where my parents were on extremely low incomes and it wasn’t nice watching them be so stressed. I want this baby but I want a good career (I’m studying law) and I don’t want to put my partner in a position where he wishes we’d gone for the termination. I fear that if we go ahead with the termination that I will push him away or end up resenting him for it and be in the same position as I spent the majority of the year. At the same time, I fear that if we go ahead with the pregnancy that we wouldn’t be allowing our child to have the start to life which they deserve and wouldn’t be giving ourselves the lives we’ve worked so hard to make a reality.

If we could make it work financially I think we would definitely go ahead with the pregnancy so financial advice would be really helpful.

Thanks so much
J x

It doesn't sound as if this is the right time for you or your partner to have a child. Whatever you decide, please get your contraception sorted,

My suggestion would be to take finances out of the equation here - finances and studies and work can be more flexible than you might think (and there is never a perfect time when they're all absolutely ideal for parenthood). Ask yourselves if you want this baby - if the answer is yes, then don't let finances and work dictate your decision.

A lot of university courses in Scotland can be flexible about students taking time out for maternity leave, sabbaticals, family responsibilities. You may well be able to take a year out from university for maternity leave.

Depending on how long you've worked in your job, you may also be entitled to some maternity leave and related payments - you could check with their HR.

There are also quite a few grants and benefits available in pregnancy and for families on lower incomes in Scotland, which could help boost your income a bit.

Property prices in Edinburgh are extreme, but could you stay with your parents, would they be willing to support you with this?

The practicalities of work and money are never easy. If you want to keep this baby, don't let them dissuade you from keeping a wanted pregnancy.

I think in all honesty the relationship will be over soon no matter which decision you make.
If you terminate you’ll end up blaming him (rationally or otherwise) and if you go ahead he’ll end up resenting you.
If you want this baby, you can make the finances work. You can go back to your studies pretty quickly after baby is born (lots of nurseries take babies from 6 weeks IF that is something you feel comfortable doing of course). There are ways to make things work.
Good luck with your decision x.

Would your family support you and provide childcare?
Look into what the university can offer in terms of grants and childcare.

. I am very much into signs from the powers which be etc and as I have fallen pregnant the exact same week yet a year apart I feel like it’s sort of fate.

It's not fate. It's lack of decent contraception.

I am wondering why you haven't sorted out proper contraception when you accidentally got pregnant the first time. Once an accident ok but twice.....

You’re more than capable of having this baby. You seem to have the possible negative impacts of having a baby down so you don’t need more people to add to that.

I just want to say that you’ll make it work if you choose to keep the baby. Even if the relationship doesn’t work it doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling life with a little one and give them everything that they need.

Universities are very good at accommodating pregnant and new parents, you can take a break and go back to your studies, I did. There are benefits to help you get through the tough times and ultimately there is your baby!

I think it’s important that you know that you are capable but it’s also completely your choice and whatever you choose there will be regret so think about which you can live with easiest x

You’re no teenager and you’re likely to be a decent earner. You’re not horrified by the idea of a baby.

BUT....don’t romanticise the “fate” thing. If you go ahead with this you have a hard slog ahead for a few years, juggling finances and childcare, possibly as a single parent. Only you know if you have the wherewithal to handle it. And be prepared for some suspicion from your boyfriend’s family and friends about these accidental pregnancies - you’ll need to handle this, whilst you’re together at least.

Make this decision with a hard head, in other words. I know it’s difficult though. I wish you all the very best.

Which uni in Edinburgh are you studying at, OP? Edinburgh and Heriot Watt both have creche facilities from birth upwards - I don’t know about Napier and Queen Margarets.
You need to do your research thoroughly on costs, facilities, practicalities, before making your decision.
As a PP says, you need to be hard headed about this and whether it is manageable. Also consider the possibility that your relationship ends with the strain of juggling baby, finances and studying, but balance that against the possible emotional impact of a second termination.
And again, as PPs have pointed out, you need to sort out some much more reliable contraception for the future, to avoid this situation recurring.

It isn't totally clear if you and your boyfriend actually live together when you say 'at home'. If you would stay at home and have a baby how do you think your parents would view this? Their opinions do matter if you expect to live there with them.

A ex-colleague of mine had 2 of her 3 children 9 months after their wedding anniversary. It wasn’t fate. It was a time each year when they were likely to go out, have a nice time together, possibly have a few drinks, maybe get lax with contraception and were likely to have sex. If you’ve got pregnant at the same time a year apart, is there something you are celebrating (birthday for example), which means you’re either lax with contraception or that you have too many drinks and throw up your pill? You’ve not said how far along you are but I’d assume a few weeks. I’m a February baby and my mum was told that the nice weather (which you’ll have had a few weeks ago and likely last year too) results in a baby boom in February/March. People go to the beer garden, have a nice time and end up accidentally pregnant. Both this year and last year link up with some things reopening. It’s not fate and don’t let “fate” cloud your judgement here.

Nobody else can answer if you’re in a position to do this. Women have been pregnant and finished their studies but made it work. Women have also decided that they can’t make it work. It’s your individual choice. It depends how supportive your parents would be. How supportive your university would be.

I had a baby when I was at university, they were actually incredibly unsupportive - eg you weren't allowed to take children into the university library, so it wasn't possible to come onto campus to make a library run with the baby - and I wasn't able to claim housing benefit etc because I was a student. However this was 13 years ago so things may have changed, but it is something I would look into really carefully & not just assume.

@toastantea

. I am very much into signs from the powers which be etc and as I have fallen pregnant the exact same week yet a year apart I feel like it’s sort of fate.

It's not fate. It's lack of decent contraception.

Agree

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I don't envy you having to make the decision. No one else can say what the best thing for you to do in your circumstances is. It'll differ for everyone.

I can only say from my perspective, at 21 and as a student, I wouldn't have been able to go ahead with having a baby. Primarily for practical the financial reasons - I would want to be financially comfortable and in a long term stable relationship for a baby. Later in your career (I studied law also) you can be senior enough to take some flexibility etc. I wouldn't want to be struggling financially and not able to provide my child with everything it needs.

And partly because of all the life experiences I got to have in my 20s and early 30s that I couldn't have imagined at 21. If you have to go it alone at 21 also if things don't work out with your partner, is this something you'd be wanting to do?

Good luck either way

@toastantea

. I am very much into signs from the powers which be etc and as I have fallen pregnant the exact same week yet a year apart I feel like it’s sort of fate.

It's not fate. It's lack of decent contraception.

Exactly this. It's happened again due to lack of effective contraception. Get your head out the clouds and get on some decent contraception.

I would say distance yourself from the financial side of things as it's likely the council would provide help with housing etc if you would be overcrowded in your current circumstances. However, I would also face the fact that continuing with the pregnancy might mean your course comes to an end. I got pregnant during my degree (not at 21 but still) the demand of a newborn plus studying for hours is incredibly arduous. I couldn't stick it out. By all means if you want the baby, you can make it work. But I would caution you to not look through rose tinted glasses. Babies are seriously hard work and law is a really demanding course.

I think it would be unwise to make your choice based on the idea of it being 'fate'. You seem to quite like the idea of having a baby but the reality may be very different and once your little one is here you need to be prepared that your life probably won't go according to your current plan. I believe there's always ways around things if you want something enough but only you will know what the right choice is for you and your life. I would say making contraception a priority in the future would be a wise choice as previous posters have mentioned to avoid this happening again, whatever you decide for this pregnancy.

Sort some contraception out. I completely understand this can happen but twice in a year it's beyond stupid.