Shock pregnancy with 3rd child: freaking out & desperate for advice

[StarsShiningBrightAboveYou]

Please please help me. I'm looking for advice from anyone whose faced this situation and I'd love to know how you handled it / what you decided to do.

I'm 39 and married with a 5 yo boy and 3 yo girl. I found out a week ago that I am about 4 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. This pregnancy is an accident and I've been in total shock ever since I did the test. Took me days to work up the courage to tell my husband as I know he doesn't want more kids. He is a loving husband and father and we adore the 2 kids we have but they take a lot out of us and seem to constantly bicker these days. Our 3 yo girl is mostly a dream and has been such an easy baby/toddler but our older boy can be a real handful and we are always shouting and giving time outs etc which is so draining. My husband especially is at his wits end with our son's behaviour after being all stuck at home together so long over all the COVID lockdowns.

I've often wondered about having a 3rd baby and have been very broody over the past year or so. I sometimes feel like I'm surrounded by people with 3 kids and at times have felt sad at the thought of being out of the "baby" years. When my best friend called to tell me she's expecting her 3rd I cried afterwards. BUT... I've never been sure if my desire for a 3rd is down to love for my family and wanting to grow it OR my complete cluelessness about what I will do once my youngest starts school next Sept. I haven't worked since my son was born nearly 6 years ago and have completely lost my professional identity. I literally have no clue what work I would do now and I find it so scary trying to think about how I will fill my days positively once both kids are in full time school. But obviously that's not a good reason to have a baby!! I love the baby stage and I'm sure having a baby in the house will be easy enough but what will it be like when the baby becomes a toddler / older child and more demanding?!

We're so worried about money at the moment. My husband hates his job and is looking for a new one which is piling on the stress right now. We have a big enough house so that's not an issue but we have been planning to privately educate our kids and we really don't think this will be affordable if we have 3. So I feel guilty that we'd be taking that opportunity away from our first 2 by adding a 3rd into the mix. We love to travel and have always hoped we might take the kids to Disney one day and other special family trips but we fear this won't be affordable with 3 kids. Basically fear I am ruining all of our lives by having a 3rd as we'll all have so much less time / energy / money. In darker moments my husband admitted he felt like a 3rd kid would be like a "life sentence" locking us into the drudgery of parenting until we're in our 60s. I'm going to be 40 next year and just feel like I'm possibly too old to start all over again with a little baby. When that baby is 5 I'll be 45 which feels v.old to me personally to still be in the baby stage. How will I ever work again or get my career back on track if my youngest doesn't start full time school until I'm 45?! I guess we could hire a nanny but this is just more £££ and we've never hired help before and I don't love the idea of it.

On top of all this.... I had an abortion when I was 20 (with the same man who is now my husband) and we never thought we'd be faced with the same situation again. Except its not the same this time.... first time round I was devastated but felt 100% sure we couldn't have the baby. We were both at university at the time and had so much to do in life before becoming parents. Obviously things are different now. So it comes down to can we make space in our lives for another human to love and to raise and to devote ourselves to? I'm confident I have enough love in my heart for another child but not so sure about the emotional energy and physical labour required. However, I know so many people with 3 kids and they all seem to be managing fine (on the outside at least). Although lots of them are wealthy and don't have any money issues like we do. If you took the financial issue away I do think that would make it much more tempting to keep this baby.

Oh god I'm just going round and round in circles and feel I have no where to turn for help. Can't tell any family or friends as I really want to keep it private if we decide not to continue with the pregnancy. Maybe I should have some counselling but we have hardly any time to make this decision as the weeks are ticking by.

Please tell me about your experiences of this. Any advice welcome Thanks :)

I had my third pregnancy at 39 and it was fine. The early years are hectic but once they're all at school, it's fine, honestly.

I've been in your situation OP. It is so stressful and scary at first. I know in my heart I wouldn't have got over an abortion though after I already had my older DC. (No judgement at all of others of course this is just how it felt for me personally.) We had DC3 last year and while it has been very hectic and hard work it has also been wonderful and we wouldn't be without her now. I was catastrophising a lot when I first found out I was pregnant but in the end some things turn out well too, or are less difficult than you perhaps feared.

(I was 39 too when she came along x)

This happened to me. At 39. I knew I couldn’t go through with an abortion even though DH wasn’t at all keen and we were worried about money.

We had DC 3 and have never regretted him even for a moment. It took us till about 6 months into the pregnancy to get our heads round it though!

This was me in October. Long and short of it is that we couldn't go through with anything other than continuing the pregnancy and we have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Our older two adore him. He's slotted in wonderfully (early days I know 😆). I couldn't imagine him not being here.

I had an awful pregnancy and he was born prematurely but I wouldn't change any of it for a second

Good luck with your decision.

I’m also surprise pregnant at 39, due 6 weeks before 40. Already have a 4 and 1 year old. We had wanted a 3rd but for many reasons decided against it. I’d had a really difficult time getting pregnant with my first two and was in complete shock to find out I was pregnant by accident.

I’m a bit anxious about it due to my age, c-sec with my last baby, finances and a small age gap. I also feel like we have enough energy to give the two we have loads of attention and we might struggle to do that with 3.

However, we’re ploughing on ahead and hoping for the best. I think deep down we wanted three and stopping at two was a head decision rather than a heart one!

It’s a really hard decision to make and my heart goes out to you.

My grandmother had this at 39 and lost the baby she was so devastated a year later my dad was born and she never looked back.

Honestly it'll be hard but only you can decide whether it will be worth it or not

Similar situation here - have a 5 year old and a 3 year old who are great but a handful and then found I was very unexpectedly pregnant with DC3 at Christmas. I am a bit younger than you and work full time but have worried about the impact that yet another maternity leave will have on my career.

We did talk briefly about our options but quickly we didn’t have a good enough reason to not continue with the pregnancy (not that you need a reason)

Am currently 33w and now couldn’t imagine not having planned a 3rd. Maybe I will change my mind when she is here, but for now we are both feeling really excited and of the ‘it was meant to be’ school of thought.

I have 3 - but that was because we wanted 3. If I was pg again I would feel exactly like you. Although my husband is adamant he wants no more ever. So that would make my decision easier in some ways.

No one will judge you whatever you choose. You need to do what is right for the family and for you.

Similar situation to you although i have always worked full time, am a few years younger and my husband was always open to more kids. To be honest I don't think I would have regretted my choice either way- there were just about an equal number of pros and cons in my mind. In the end we chose to keep the baby who is now a whirlwind 18 month old whose older siblings adore him (as do we!). We definitely can't afford private school now, we are unlikely to have as many holidays, and certainly not the big ticket ones, and I'm sure as they get older there will be many more compromises. I guess I view these things as something we never had anyway and so it's about adjusting expectations- which may have had to happen for any number of reasons. Absolutely no regrets here.

I had my 7th when I was 39 (a month short of my 40th).

I don't know what to tell you apart from that having a baby in your late thirties/early forties is quite fine IF you are happy with it.
lots of people do it by choice or due to circumstances so you are definitely not alone!

best of luck

Of course you could make it work, humans have the ability to make the best of what ever situation they end up in. And you sound a very capable and thoughtful person. But comments above saying 'no regrets' are not really addressing your concerns. You already know you could cope, but the question is do you WANT to ? What leaps out at me from your honest post is that if you were putting you own needs first, you wouldn't have this child. You admit you are tired, have money worries, and are concerned about your career. And you have the honesty to admit that a baby would be a way to avoid progressing your own life once your kids are in school. You are right, that is an awful reason to have a child. I am sure you will come to a decision that works for you but I just wanted to reflect a different viewpoint to some of the comments above.

Saying you are 'ruining' your other two children's life by giving them a childhood which is completely normal for the vast majority of people is a little dramatic. The vast majority of children never makes it to Disneyland and comes out perfectly fine. They also do fine educationally without going private. You could always try for grammar school if your county has them. If they are clever and disciplined, they would do well anywhere, including in state education.

Moreover, your children would not know the difference. They don't personally know what they potentially missed out on. You are not 'decreasing' what they already have (which should not be much at their age in the first place), you simply are not providing all the luxury extras you once imagined for their futures, in order to accommodate raising an additional third child. This does not mean the other two, and all three of them together, can not have a brilliant youth, you will just have to adjust your own expectations. To feel guilty about this is absolutely unnecessary.

On the abortion front, only you know if you could emotionally cope. It is a hard decision even with the best of reasons.

I was in your position a year ago. Your story could have been mine. Heart always fantasised about a third but head knew it wasn't practical. DH was adamant that we were done and I'd resigned myself to it. Then, at 41, I found out I was pregnant. I was shaking when I told DH. I didn't consider an abortion but when I started bleeding at 6 weeks, part of me thought maybe it was for the best. However, I'm here feeding my 3 month old as I type and he's been nothing but a blessing. It's like it was always meant to be this way. My older two are 5 and 8 and my 5 year old is hard work but they absolutely adore the baby and I don't feel it's ruined things for them at all.

Every situation is different though. DH was pretty easy to get on board and financially it's not had a huge impact. We've been lucky that he's not a high needs baby and on days when he's particularly needy I do wonder how we'd cope if he was like that all the time. Our dc are also older which has meant they're quite useful in helping out if I need to get dinner on etc. I did feel that I was just getting my career back on track when I fell pregnant but he's totally worth putting that on hold for a little longer! Only you know what your limitations are as a family.

@StarsShiningBrightAboveYou Hi! Could you please tell me how your situation turn
out for you? I am in the same situation now. We are keeping the baby but I can’t imagine my life with 3 kids. My daughters turning 5 and 3 this year

In November 2021 when I was 37 I had a surprise pregnancy. I already had a 7 and 9 year old and I was absolutely beside myself. It honestly felt like the end of the world. I did get my head around it and started to feel excited. I then miscarried at 10.5 weeks and was devastated. It took me a while to get over it but I knew that I really wanted to try again. So from not having another child in our plans, to a shock pregnancy that I lost I am now 8 weeks pregnant with our third 🤞🏻I’m 38 with a 10 and 8 year old and praying this one sticks. Funny how life turns out 😅

I’m also pregnant with a suprise third. I have no idea how we will cope and it’s not feeling any better the closer it gets…but I just had this feeling that I would regret an abortion more than I would regret the baby.
Its different for everyone though, it’s been a hard pregnancy emotionally (I’m 31 weeks) but I’m hoping once it’s here all of the worries will not be so important!

Came here to say what @davidrosejumper did 👏🏻

@Loulou29 in same situation but with a nearly 5 year old & just turned 1 year old 🙈. Currently in a state of panic - not even sure why!? 😆. Have you settled into the idea of the third baby yet?

@REGEJC I had my 3 rd baby :) it’s very difficult but I am happy that she is here

@Loulou29 congrats! Sorry I realised when you replied that the original post was 12 months ago not last month 😆