After birth sadness and flashbacks

[Jessican]

Hi I was just wondering if anyone can comfort me in this matter I had a really quick and smooth birth but I went through it alone as my partner got there too late and it keeps coming back to me all the time and I feel like it’s all my fault he missed it. I just can’t get the thought out my head and every time I think about it it shatters me because it wasn’t supposed to happen that way it’s an experience you’re supposed to go through together. I feel like I’m loosing it and I’m hurting so much I feel so numb and useless I literally just want to sit and cry every day and all day I keep getting these thoughts in my head that I aren’t a good enough mum and everything but what I just can’t seem to shake is the loneliness during birth and I don’t understand why my head keeps making me relive it can anyone help me because I really don’t know how much more I can go on like this my mental health is killing me

Hullo! You're NOT losing it. In fact, you're being really sensible by recognising that there's a problem. How long ago did you give birth? Could this be some sort of depression?

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and this has being happening for the past week I’ve being fine up until then and it’s like it’s hit me all at once

Who can you speak to for help? Because it does sound to me like you need it. This is not normal. Yes, it's rubbish that he missed the birth- but that's just circumstances. No way can that really be your fault (or his!). Going over it in your head and wanting to cry loads sounds like post natal depression to me. Can you go to the GP? Or the health visitors?

Have you been able to speak to a health visitor, your GP or someone similar to explain how you're feeling? It sounds like you need some support with how you're feeling in response to a birth that wasn't what you expected.

I'm sure you rationally know that it absolutely wasn't your fault that your partner wasn't there - you have literally no control over how your delivery goes, it happens as it will. You're reliving it because it was traumatic for you, and your brain is trying to process what happened. You can ask to have a birth debrief with a midwife and that can help to talk through what happened and how you feel about it. They also ought to be able to help you get more support with your mental health.

I got ‘stuck’ replaying the birth for a long time. Eventually I found a counsellor to talk it through with. We talked about all my thoughts and feelings both at the time and now when I look back. I found it so helpful to be fully heard and to think about why particular things had upset me or made me feel guilty. I really recommend it.

I’m on the waiting list for counselling but there’s nothing available for 3 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next 3 weeks I really don’t I’m struggling so much as it is now

Although it's not specific to your situation, you can always call the Samaritans if you want to talk about it, if that would help?

Also, is there any way you could afford a private counsellor appointment if you could get one sooner than 3 weeks? Are you able to access your health visitor team at the moment too?

OP, while you’re waiting to speak to counsel our, could you reach out to your primary care or OBGYN?
There’s no reason you should have to feel like this. They can prescribe meds that are safe for you and baby (if you’re breastfeeding and concerned about that) to at least get you turned around in the right direction. Then, your counselor can continue with or recommend adjusting the medication.

This is a special time - there’s no way anything is your fault. Be good to yourself and put your mental health first so that you and your partner can enjoy THIS experience together right now❤️

My husband missed my last birth too as it was too quick and wasn’t even a nice birth and was very scary at the time for me. He is very squeamish though so I don’t know if he could have handled it. I keep getting flash backs too.

@AssassinatedBeauty I couldn’t afford private and my health visitor isn’t coming for another 2 weeks I’m not sure if I can get in touch with her

@ChaiTRex I do have a doctors appointment on Tuesday but I think I’m going to ring up tomorrow see if I can get any medication to help because it’s getting so bad

There should be contact details for your health visitor team somewhere in your baby record book (they're called "red books" where I am) and you should be able to ring them and at least leave a message explaining that you'd like to see someone sooner because of how you're feeling. I think seeing your GP as soon as possible is a good idea too, they may be able to prescribe you something or otherwise assist with getting you appropriate help.

Sorry you're feeling this way. Please contact one or both of these organisations for support:
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
and
pandasfoundation.org.uk/

If you can find a contact number for the HV team (it should be in your red book or you can Google it) do call them, as the HV can support you as well and can sometimes refer you to support services.

Hang on in there

Spoke to my doctors there’s no available appointments at all to talk to them i really don’t know what to do these thoughts are taking over my life can someone please suggest somewhere I can call that will be able to help because I’m scared of what my head could make me do

If you need to talk to someone speak to tne samaritans. They won't offer advice but they will listen.

Alternatively, look up your local areas mental health crisis team.

I don't know if it will help you, but partners being present at the birth wasn't always the done thing. My DF wasn't present when my siblings and I were born.

Please call the samaritans for immediate help. Tomorrow you could also see if you could self refer to the perinatal mental health team at your local hospital. Google the hospital name and the phrase “perinatal mental health”. Have you got someone with you tonight? Do they know how bad you feel?

Re-living like you describe is part of your brain's natural healing response. It usually resolves naturally in 3-6 months as your brain processes the memory and files it away.

Blaming yourself is a way of feeling in control - if it's your fault you can stop the upsetting situation happening again.

Talking and taking good care of yourself is important to help you heal. Try being a bit kinder to yourself. Let yourself feel what you feel so it can drain out of your system. It was an upsetting experience but not your fault.

If you're panicking, pause and focus on slowing down your breathing. There is an app called Breathe that you can use to help moderate your breathing and calm yourself.

Just to reassure you, it is normal that you had four weeks without it before the re-living experiences kicked in - that is a normal part of the brain's processing and healing. It is scary when you haven't had it before, but it shows your brain is doing what it should to heal, and it will only last temporarily.