In a panic - convinced my baby will die

[M0nkeybars]

Hello,

I've got myself into a total panic about my pregnancy and don't know where to turn. Sorry, this is long.

I really struggled to get (and stay) pregnant - we tried for over five years and had multiple miscarriages along the way. We also went through nine failed rounds of ivf before eventually falling pregnant naturally much to our surprise.

I'm 21 weeks now, we've never got this far. But the pregnancy hasn't been without its complications.

I found out at my 12 week screening tests that I have low Papp-a, which is a hormone that facilitates blood flow to the placenta. It means that I'm at a higher risk of foetal growth restriction as the placenta may not be able to feed the baby properly. This can lead to low birth weight and potentially premature birth. We just have to hope that the baby is growing properly from 24 weeks. For now, she is perfect.

At our 20w scan we found out on top of the low Papp-a that I have a low-lying anterior placenta. The anterior placenta isn't dangerous in itself but I have to hope that it moves up away from the cervix otherwise it could lead to c-section, which is especially dangerous when the placenta is at the front instead of the normal position at the back because it would sit at the place they normally make the incision and can lead to major haemorrhaging if anything goes wrong. The highest risk is if it's a premature delivery.

Most of the time the placenta will move up but they also saw in my scan that I have a large-ish fibroid - I read that that is what sometimes causes a low lying placenta as it prevents the placenta from moving up, and can also cause foetal growth restriction and premature birth. Again, we just have to sit tight and hope it doesn't get any bigger and that my placenta will move away from the cervix.

Now I'm also terrified of catching covid as the risk of that is... premature birth.

Individually I'm not so worried about each of these things but I have sent myself into a complete spiral and have convinced myself that all will end badly with the risk of foetal growth restriction, premature birth, low placenta, the potential complications with c-section and the risk of covid all piled on top of each other. I saw my midwife on Friday and she had said just just sit tight and wait and see what happens with all of these things, and hope for the best. She said not to go off and worry until I needed to, which hasn't given me much confidence. I know they have to be truthful and not give false hope.

I just feel that my body has failed me so many times and now I'm failing this baby inside me by not keeping her as safe as she should be 😢 Maybe I shouldn't be having children at all. I feel so selfish.

I don't know what to do 😞

Can you try and remind yourself that so many people every day with these issues give birth to healthy babies and it's really common for the placenta to move up as the pregnancy goes on, so you've loads of time for it to move out of the way. If you feel that you need support then ask your midwife to refer you to the perinatal mental health nurse who maybe able to help you get better contro over your anxiety

It's very hard I know
I tried for 5 years as well and was told it was never going to happen
I am also 21 weeks and often get myself in to a panic
Things I do that help are reading to my bump, talking to my bump, listening to pregnancy meditations on YouTube and trying not to overthink things though I do still have days where like you I am in a blind panic

I wouldn't worry too much about the papp a. I had it with my daughter and she was 12 days late and 7lb 8 so she was perfectly fine. As you said the placenta usually moves and no reason to think it won't. As for covid best thing you can do to avoid that is have the vaccination

@M0nkeybars I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds like the drs are keeping an eye on you, which is good. I can imagine it must be so stressful and anxious after the really difficult time you’ve had? Could you prehaps have some counselling to help you though? After I had a late loss I was offered counselling though my next pregnancy and it really helped. It is totally understandable you feel worried, although I am sure DRs are on top of your treatment… you are not being selfless at all. Xx

It sounds like you have some challenges with your pregnancy that are real, but that, maybe, the biggest issue is your anxiety. You can’t control those other things, but you can, to some degree, control your own feelings about them. I too had a long and difficult journey to motherhood and now in my second pregnancy, both ivf, feel again very anxious. Don’t be afraid of flagging this up as an issue with your midwives and getting support, either form a counsellor as the poster above said, or a mental health midwife. You’ve waited a long time for this and it would be great if you could enjoy it a little too. I’m rooting for you because I know it’s so hard, but acknowledging that your responses aren’t really proportionate to the level of risk, which is seems you have, means you’re ok your way to tackling this and not just accepting it. Good luck with your pregnancy.

I worried throughout the entirety of my pregnancy. It meant I couldn't enjoy it and I really regretted it.

Nobody would blame you for being anxious OP. Is there anyone you can talk to or reach out to for support?

You poor thing, of course you are worried after all you’ve been through. You must be so strong.

Echo other people’s advice to flag all these issues again with your midwife and request a consultant review if you are not happy (although it sounds like you should have consultant-led care anyway!)

I had an IUGR baby because of blood flow restriction in the umbilical artery that was picked up at 32 weeks and I delivered at 34 weeks. I had no reason why. I realise that is technically late-prem and she was fine, but was still stressful and wouldn’t wish prematurity on anyone. There’s not a lot you can do, but it’s good that they have picked up on something early and are going to monitor you. Never feel bad about asking for extra scans or if finances allow, get yourself some private scans for peace of mind. Would they consider low dose aspirin for low blood flow?

As for the low lying anterior placenta, there’s still plenty of time for it to move up. If not, the obstetricians and anaesthetists are trained to deal with these things and will prepare for any risks such as haemorrhage if you need a c section.

Lastly, speaking as an ICU doctor who has seen a few pregnant ladies who have caught Covid and had to deliver prematurely, I would advise speaking to your healthcare professionals about the vaccine.

Wishing you all the best.

No advice for the other parts but my placenta was covering my cervix right through my pregnancy and didn’t move enough to have a natural birth. Due to the risk of a massive bleed I had lots of scans towards the end and once I got to 35 + 5 weeks I had to stay in hospital until 36+4 weeks and had my c section then as they don’t let you go over 37 weeks. Was worried he was going to be tiny but he was a healthy 7lbs4 which shocked us all! I had steroid injections before too to help with his lungs with him coming earlier too. I’m glad I had a c section it was very chilled and no rushing about . It’s hard afterwards with recovery so get lots of support from partner / family etc .
They monitor you so closely if it doesn’t show signs of moving away from your cervix so try not to worry x

Had to comment. I had 4 pregnancies between 2014 and 2019. A first trimester missed miscarriage, stillbirth with a baby who had a very serious physical disability then I had a second trimester missed miscarriage where the baby had triploidy then I fell pregnant again. Screening flagged an abnormal level of HCG although they didn't know what had caused it but said it could mean something was wrong with the baby. Then I was diagnosed with placenta praevia but told it would likely move. It didn't. I ended up in hospital at 32 weeks with a placental bleed and DD was delivered at 37+2 via csection under general anaesthetic due to how risky the location of the placenta was.

When DD arrived none of it really mattered anymore. She made it all better. It was totally worth it all. I'd do it again and again to be where I am now.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy runs smoothly. I always set little targets in my head and 24 weeks was a big one. Not ideal if they come then but better outcomes. You're so so close to that.

Sending lots of love.

anything that has been picked up as a potential risk will be monitored

Speak to your gp or midwife about your anxiety

Same as a PP I also had the steroid injections and DD was 6lb 11oz born so a good weight.

I wonder if there is some support available to help you with your anxieties at the moment? I wish I has asked. Its worth asking your midwife.

Oh op I am so sorry for everything you have been through and for the anxiety you feel now it is beyond hard.

One day at a time is all you can do, and sometimes when that seems too long, one hour or minute at a time.

I was increasingly lucky when having DS that the hospital had a psychiatrist who work with maternity patients and women with other issues such as cancer or sexual trauma. Does your hospital have a service like that?

It helped to have someone I could voice my concerns to, and someone who was able to look ahead at my possible triggers and plan my care.

Saying that even then there were times that were incredibly hard.

My advice is to be honest when you are struggling and accept al of the support, reassurance and extra appointments they offer. Don’t be afraid to show them your fears, they are completely understandable given you past.

My DS is now five, he does not take away the pain or the sadness I feel about the loss of his big sister, but my word that boy has given us so many reasons to smile and to enjoy life again. I hope very much that you get to experience that too.

I have a low lying anterior placenta too and was given a leaflet that said 9 times out of 10 it moves up. So the odds on that front are in your favour.

Sorry you're going through that. I know how nerve-wracking pregnancy after loss can be. I've had my little girl 9 weeks ago and it has been a long way to get here, maybe not as long as yours but with 4 losses along the way it was scary to say the least. I've had low lying anterior placenta and low PAPPA.
It is hard not to spiral out of control with worrying, and nothing anyone can say will make it better, make you worry less.
The placenta does move up in most cases. And low PAPPA does not always means growth restriction.
Ask your midwife for more check ups, I was seeing mine once a week to hear the heartbeat. She mentioned she had another lady come in twice a week because of anxiety. See if you can have more growth scans ( I've had one every 3 weeks from 24 weeks). If you're struggling, ask for referral to mental health midwife. Speak up for yourself. I know it feels hard. I was that annoying pregnant woman who was constantly asking for more check ups, but it did help me mentally deal with anxiety. Don't let them fob you off. Sending strength xx

Hello ladies,

Thanks so much for all your kind replies and reassurances. I know rationally that all of these things might have a good outcome but it's the small risk on top of the small risk on top of the small risk that has me so worried. I can't help but think at some point it's going to go wrong. I still can't accept that I might not meet this baby, I would so love to enjoy this pregnancy as it will probably be my only baby.

I'd been ok containing my anxiety until yesterday when I mum rang and started asking me questions about what might happen if the placenta moves down instead of up so it just sent me in a panic 🙄.

I do really struggle with anxiety and managed it through the years of ivf and pregnancy loss with counselling but now that I'm pregnant the fertility counselling has come to an end. I feel totally isolated as my family are in another country and I've been trying to limit contact with friends until I am fully vaccinated (I had my first dose 3 weeks ago) and my husband is great but doesn't get the things I'm worried about - to him it's "all fine". I try to shield him a bit too from my concerns and don't share with him that I'm stressed. There's no point in both of us being stressed over what might be low risk issues.

I think I'm in my head way too much and I agree with you all that I think I need to speak to someone. My midwife is always in a mad rush and there is never really any chance to talk through stuff, she usually just runs through lists of things taking blood pressure etc. as she goes then I'm out the door. I've never been good at standing up for myself in a medical situation - I always think "they know best". I need to learn that sometimes I know best - it's one of the things I regret from my 9 cycles of IVF, I always regret not challenging my course of treatment more forcefully after it didn't work nine times in a row. Thanks @ICUDoc I think I will ask why I haven't been referred for consultant-led care, there are a lot of risk factors not just one and it's so scary.

Re covid, thankfully I got my first vaccine as soon as it was offered and am due my second one in four weeks - it can't come fast enough! It is becoming harder to convince my husband that we need to continue to lie low, he is wanting to meet all the lads in the pub and go to weddings and stag do's which is understandable but it's too risky right now until both of us are protected. He'll be fully vaccinated before I am and he thinks that will be his license to do whatever. It's not like I'm stopping him socialising, I'm just asking him to keep it low-key for another while - meet a few guys for a few hours rather than all the lads for an all day bender followed by a party. He thinks I'm being over-cautious but we live in one of the top 10 cities for covid right now. So that's causing tension.

Agh.

Thanks again ladies for your positive stories I do feel better having read your experiences and thanks for encouraging me to seek further help. I see my midwife for my whooping cough vaccine this week so I will write everything down and speak to her then.

Thank you 😘

@M0nkeybars hi, I lost twins last year and am mentally struggling in my current pregnancy. My midwife has referred me to the perinatal mental health team which might be something worth asking for to gain extra support