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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Maternity finance with partner

50 replies

Shell1989 · 08/07/2021 10:47

Hi,
New on here! 👋🏼

I’m just wanting a bit of advice really...
I’ve been with my fiancé 15 years now and we have two boys, 8 months and 5 years old.

I am currently on Maternity, coming to an end in September. I’m desperate to go back to work now for some money as I’m skint and living in my overdraft which is nearly maxed out! I hate it as I wasn’t previously and had a comfortable wage.

So basically I get between £600-£700 maternity pay per month and this goes straight away on the rent which is £650. Regardless if I have it or not my partner does not ask, it is just expected I pay it and go further into my overdraft! He knows I’m in it but not to what extent, and he hasn’t asked and I don’t tell him as I know he won’t be happy!

But I don’t know what he expects though! He knows I have no money left over from my maternity after I’ve paid the rent as Ive told him what I get!

We have a joint account that all our bills go out of and what we live off. I have never bought anything for my youngest out of it like clothes and get these personally. He pays for my phone bill which is my only bill. So basically he sorts out all bills and living costs which are high!

I suppose I just want peoples opinions on this set up.... i don’t ever ask for anything for myself. I get it personally, hence the overdraft! Occasionally he treats me.

I don’t want to paint a bad picture as he works hard and has a lot of expense with his business as he is self employed. He has a lot of stress and I don’t want to add to that.

But part of me feels upset I’ve just been expected to cover the full rent when I’m on maternity!

Please can I have your options? Honestly....

Thank you in advance Xx

OP posts:
JSL52 · 08/07/2021 10:50

He needs to pay it while you're on maternity.
What does he think you're living on ?
Baby things should absolutely come out of the joint account.
Sit him down and explain.

Mseddy · 08/07/2021 10:54

Does he not realise they are his children as well? And its not "your maternity pay" and "his wage" but during this period at least you should play as a team?! I'm about to yo on maternity leave and I'll be dropping my contribution to the mortgage and bills significantly, DH will pick up the slack for this for the next year. We both knew both our wages would be impacted when I took maternity leave

pitterpatterrain · 08/07/2021 10:57

Well. You are where you are. Sounds like you need a full finances discussion as the setup makes zero sense.

The most “fair” way is that all the money goes into a pot, and once you have paid for things (including debt / savings) then you both have equal spends

Shirleyphallus · 08/07/2021 10:58

How much does he earn and what does he pay’for?

choccrumpet · 08/07/2021 10:59

Pre pregnancy my partner and I have divided all bills including our mortgage in half, he pays a bit extra as he earns a bit extra but all bills are paid by both. We then spend our own money ourselves, sometimes we use our joint account for house related purchases.

I've been saving money to cover my end of the bills during maternity leave and I've been very lucky to be able to do so. I'm not quite sure how we'll manage the rest during maternity but we've already started having those conversations, I think a lot of other things will be on my partner to pay for but it's something we will decide together.

If I wasn't able to save enough to cover my bills & mortgage, id be trying to chip in what I could afford but also not leave myself short and I'd hope and want my partner to understand that. I'd hate to think how we'd manage if I wasn't able to chip in my half, probably would get by but most likely be difficult. I definitely would try to stay out of getting into debt and I think he'd feel the same way, so he'd probably do his best to pull his weight financially for both of us.

Sounds like a really tough position for you to be in. Have you tried speaking to your partner about it, how it's affecting you, the reality of your overdraft? Not to make him feel bad but to be honest and transparent and see if both of you can come up with a plan together. At the moment it sounds like he might not be aware, or maybe is, but might help for you to be honest and tell him what it's really like for you.

BrilliantBetty · 08/07/2021 11:08

All family income in to a joint pot. Everything paid out for the month, bills and whatnot. Then what's left could be divided between you for savings, overdraft repayment or individual spends (agree an amount).

You are a family and you shouldn't have to wait for him to 'treat' you.

shivawn · 08/07/2021 11:36

What? I can't believe you're in this position after 15 years together. Was he the same way for your first 2 children? You're supposed to be a team, supporting each other. I'd be long gone if my partner treated me like that.

Original poster
Shell1989 · 08/07/2021 11:50

He pays for everything apart from the rent basically, so all bills, food, living expenses etc.

On paper he earns 40,000! But a lot goes back into the business. We are comfortable to do things at the weekend as a family but we are still not in a position to buy a house...

I don’t know, I’m just at a loss with it all tbh! I’m panicking going back to work as he expects me to have a job that works around the school drop offs and pick ups, is well paid enough to save for a mortgage and cover child care! I feel really overwhelmed.... Im going back to the nursery I worked at and he says it’s only a ‘starting point’ and I need to earn more. I told him last night id like to train to become a midwives assistant (to start with, potentially leading onto being a midwife and his reply was that wouldn’t work around the kids and his business. I said I’m prepared to put it on hold as it has to work around us but he said he doesn’t have the answer financially. I just feel whatever I do isn’t good enough!

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/07/2021 11:50

You need to invoice him for 50 % of the childcare you have provided for his dc..
Seems he only deals in figures not real life...

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2021 11:55

I’m panicking going back to work as he expects me to have a job that works around the school drop offs and pick ups, is well paid enough to save for a mortgage and cover child care! I feel really overwhelmed.... Im going back to the nursery I worked at and he says it’s only a ‘starting point’ and I need to earn more.
Another man who wants a partner to have his babies but not stop paying her share then to work and save for the family but also cover the childcare costs and do all the parenting and housework. I think they should be publicly hung drawn and quartered in the town squares with a big sign saying another waste of space who thinks women owe him. But if you can’t do that, you can tell him to fuck right off. He should have covered the rent. He should now pay half childcare. He should do a drop off or pick up to childcare. He should cook dinner and do housework and cover some of the sick/isolating days that come with a baby in childcare. Or you should tell him to fuck right off.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/07/2021 12:00

No no no this is not how it works. Those are his children too, not your personal hobby. Half the loss of income is his. Half the childcare fees -does he realise the childcare is also there to allow him to work, it's not for your sole benefit? Half the sick days and drop offs and pick ups and holidays and such. If he believes you should be doing 100% of this, plus a full time well paid job on top, what's in it for you?

AutumnLeafDance · 08/07/2021 12:11

I'm on maternity leave and I don't contribute a cent to the household budget because I don't have an income. My partner pays for everything because he can work full-time...because I'm the one who's taking time away from paid employment to be the primary carer for our children. This business of you personally going into debt in order to pay the rent has got to stop. You guys need to figure out how to live on his income alone. It's not 'his' money - your being at home with the children facilities his ability to go out and earn a wage. You're a team, not two separate entities. The money needs to come straight into a joint account and be divvied up from there.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/07/2021 12:16

He knows I’m in it but not to what extent, and he hasn’t asked and I don’t tell him as I know he won’t be happy!

So he knows you pay 650 rent form 600 maternity pay and..he won't be happy that you need to use your overdraft? That's just basic maths..

TooMuchPaper · 08/07/2021 12:17

This is just so depressing to read.

Original poster
Shell1989 · 08/07/2021 12:28

😢 maybe I’ve been a pushover for far too long.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 08/07/2021 12:30

My dh pays the mortgage and food shopping whereas I pay the bills. I have told him that when I am on smp he will need to pay the bills (we have 2 kids so is aware). He has therefore been saving during my pregnancy for this purpose. What little money I will get will be spent towards our children and treats.

Why didn't you talk about this before you had the kids, surely all couples talk about their finances? I'm sorry but he doesn't sound that great to me if he would let you get into debt whilst on maternity leave. I would not be ok with this and would have voiced my concerns long ago. How does he think you are going to find a job where you earn enough to work around your children and pay for childcare without some kind of further training or support?

TooMuchPaper · 08/07/2021 12:32

@Shell1989
It's never too late to start doing things differently.
Would he be open to a full sit-down conversation about your joint finances, responsibilities with the children and the house etc.

Bobbots · 08/07/2021 12:32

I’m currently on maternity leave and if I had a pound for every thread like this that I’ve read over the years then I wouldn’t be struggling for money.

Oh wait - I’m not struggling for money because my husband isn’t a complete dick and realises that all family expenses should be shared. It is completely ridiculous that you have no money at all for yourself and that the childcare is viewed as your responsibility to pay alone. And that you’re expected to basically look after the kids so he can do what he wants work wise.

You should never have kids with a man before discussing finances

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/07/2021 12:34

This man has majorly stitched you up. BIG time. You're not married. 'Fiance' means nothing in law. He has you paying the rent, doing all the donkey work in life whilst he nurtures his business - you will be left high and dry in the event of a split and he knows this.

He has you in debt to pay for his kids, too! He is not paying his fair share to support his kids.

Please go back to work FT, if you can do the pick ups and drop offs, he will have to do them (he's self employed).

And please start a thread or have this moved to Relationships, just put your OP in there because this man is financially abusing you and far, far too many particularly unmarried women sleep walk into this and then get shafted even more by men like the father of your children (because he's not behaving like a partner).

Arecklessmanor · 08/07/2021 12:35

@Shell1989

😢 maybe I’ve been a pushover for far too long.
Yes you really have, just wondering what kind of role models or family support you have or had to think any of this is acceptable?

And what kind of family set up does he come from?
He is financially abusing you.
It really is sad to read how he is treating you.
I'd agree with everything @timeisnotaline says. I hope you can get some practical advice. 💐

Roomonb · 08/07/2021 12:35

I feel really sad for you, this is not how it is supposed to be.what was it like after the first child?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/07/2021 12:37

For starters, stop the direct debit of your money to pay the rent. He's not paying fucking rent! NO, just NO. He needs to pay his share of all the bills. But basically you're in debt so he can build his business.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 12:40

@timeisnotaline

I’m panicking going back to work as he expects me to have a job that works around the school drop offs and pick ups, is well paid enough to save for a mortgage and cover child care! I feel really overwhelmed.... Im going back to the nursery I worked at and he says it’s only a ‘starting point’ and I need to earn more. Another man who wants a partner to have his babies but not stop paying her share then to work and save for the family but also cover the childcare costs and do all the parenting and housework. I think they should be publicly hung drawn and quartered in the town squares with a big sign saying another waste of space who thinks women owe him. But if you can’t do that, you can tell him to fuck right off. He should have covered the rent. He should now pay half childcare. He should do a drop off or pick up to childcare. He should cook dinner and do housework and cover some of the sick/isolating days that come with a baby in childcare. Or you should tell him to fuck right off.

As long as women keep selecting such men to sire their offspring, this will go on.

The mind truly reels. He should have been kicked to the curb 15 years ago. Bit late to complain now about the very predictable outcome.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 12:41

@Bobbots

I’m currently on maternity leave and if I had a pound for every thread like this that I’ve read over the years then I wouldn’t be struggling for money.

Oh wait - I’m not struggling for money because my husband isn’t a complete dick and realises that all family expenses should be shared. It is completely ridiculous that you have no money at all for yourself and that the childcare is viewed as your responsibility to pay alone. And that you’re expected to basically look after the kids so he can do what he wants work wise.

You should never have kids with a man before discussing finances

Yep.

onanadventure · 08/07/2021 12:57

I've never understood not sharing money if you share the rest of your life together.

One pot.
All income goes in.
All money goes out of this.
Anything extra goes into joint savings accounts for our joint future.
And our individual hobbies are part of our joint life together.

It's not 'mine' and 'his' - it's 'ours'
like it's our rent
our life
our child.