New baby and smoking

[firstimer01]

I've name changed for this as don't want it linked to my other posts.

My husband and I are due our first baby very soon and looking for advice on how to address his parents' smoking. Neither of us have ever smoked, both of us hate it, and most of our friends/family don't smoke either. However, my husband's parents and his sibling and their spouse do. We definitely don't want them smoking around the baby and are comfortable asking them not to smoke in our house. Is it too much to ask them to not even smoke in our garden? I don't like the thought of them going out for a smoke then coming in and picking up the baby.

They do smoke in their own homes, but if we were there they would stand at the back door, but again I don't want them smoking then being around the baby immediately. I'm not even keen on them smoking if we're outside to be honest as you can still get the second hand smoke.
I guess my question is, what is reasonable to ask of them and what isn't? I appreciate that when it's in their home then it's their choice and then we'll need to decide if we're comfortable taking the baby there or not.
We really don't want to cause any bad feelings as they're lovely people, a lot more laid back than us maybe, and I'm not sure if we're being a bit over protective as it's our first baby. Any advice welcome :-)

They might surprise you. Most people know you don’t smoke around babies. My MIL is a heavy smoker, but as soon as I was pregnant she avoided smoking anywhere near me, or the baby once it arrived. Even now DD is 3 she has no idea that MIL smokes, as she’s never done it in her presence.

If they aren’t that thoughtful though, you could always blame the midwife. As in ‘my midwife has said it’s really important that you don’t smoke for 30 minutes before you hold baby, wash your hands and change your top. We’re worried about SIDS and I know it sounds like a big ask but would you mind?’ You’d have to be an absolute dick not to agree.

Thanks @PointeShoesandTutus I don't think they would try to smoke in the house when we're there with the baby, but I don't even like the idea of them standing in the doorway, it feels like it's not far enough away. I know that they'll smoke if we're outside when it's nice weather as they do that when their other grandchildren are around, but not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them to move away while they smoke or I guess I can just get up and move away with the baby.
We will probably ask them to change clothes/wash hands etc as you've suggested, they'll probably think we're overreacting but oh well!

My father in law smokes too 🤦🏼‍♀️ He’s been in the back of the car before when I’ve been driving and I feel like I can barely breathe from the smell coming off him. I would hope he wouldn’t start smoking in our garden, I think I would just pick baby up and go inside away from him if he did. Not sure what I can do about him breathing on the baby straight after coming in from smoking outside though 😑 He coughs and breathes really heavy, doesn’t sound healthy at all yet continues to smoke

I kick my 76 year old nan outside her own house to smoke if my kids are at hers.

I've never found anyone who actually has said its a problem.

I smoke myself mind always outside i can't smoke in someone else's houses the smoke in the air chokes me (ironic eh!)

I dont think ive actually asked more than 3 People maximum in 10 years most people naturally grativate towards outside when kids are around, more so for new babies!

Vaping on the other hand really annoys me people dont think to ask is it ok for me to make your house smell like skanky strawberries? I'm always telling people to get outside for that.

My MIL smokes and DH has often said he'll talk to her about not smoking around me or baby if we were to have one. We got our BFP this week and are thinking we'll talk to MIL about smoking shortly after we tell her (not for a while yet). But we're not sure where to draw the line/ what boundaries to have.
MIL smoked all the way through her own pregnancies but we're quite close and I think she'd be ok with some boundaries.
We're half hoping she'll use it as motivation to try and quit as she has been wanting too.
I think it's a sensitive issue though as it's such an addictive habit (and when she's stressed, she smokes so much more).

We do not allow smoking in our house but don't stop people going outside to smoke.
My grandmother was a heavy smoker, I remember her smoking in the house when we were kids. When we had our eldest (1st great grandchild) she started smoking outside if we went to visit and would go outside on the rare occasion she came to our house too.
My FIL (dh's step dad) really annoyed us when we had our eldest though, he would smoke in the next room when we were visiting and so we rarely went to visit. This behaviour went on for years until they were renting a house (they owned before) and he was not allowed to smoke inside and still doesn't.

I have told dh to make it clear that we do not want anyone smoking then holding baby soon after. I expect him to be quite firm on this as it's looking likely I'll have an elcs so don't want the hassle of enforcing rules when I'm recovering.

It is a sensitive subject, at the end of the day its their choice to smoke and normally I don't like to cause any issues but think we're going to have to be clear on our expectations, after all we need to advocate for our baby since they can't do it themselves.

I have the same dilemma, the in laws both smoke in their conservatory which is just off the kitchen so might as well be inside. MIL is very pushy about babysitting at hers once baby is here. I'm very reluctant, no one in my family smokes. Problem is she's babysat for DP's niece at her house for years so I'll look awkward if I refuse but it's something I feel very strongly about.

I am in this position too with my Mum. My Mum is a heavy smoker and lost her partner back in October, unfortunately her smoking has increased since this happened. A few times during my pregnancy my sister has had a huge go at her for smoking near me… I have also told her that I don’t want it near me either (obviously!). I have never smoked, never been a fan. I think sometimes she thinks we’re just nagging and although she has been through a lot, that doesn’t give her the right to be careless… Passive smoking is just as bad as actual smoking in my eyes! I wish she would just think sometimes but smokers can be very selfish unfortunately. She no longer does this and smokes away from me. But I am concerned like you of the smoke still being on her clothes etc. when she comes round to see her grandson / when she comes back indoors from smoking. Just not sure how to get round it either. My OH absolutely hates smoking like me so I just don’t want it causing any rows when baby is here. It’s a tough one!

My cousin refused to let my aunt hold his baby unless she had a shower and changed clothes first. She moaned at first but when he forwarded her what he’d read about risks to the baby she agreed with him.

You could ask your midwife for info to give them on the dangers of 2nd/3rd hand smoking so it's from an 'official' source? Decide between yourselves (e.g. you and DH) what you are and aren't comfortable with, communicate this clearly and do not budge. Your priority is the health of your baby, not the feelings of others. Be polite but firm.

MIL is very pushy about babysitting at hers once baby is here. I'm very reluctant, no one in my family smokes. Problem is she's babysat for DP's niece at her house for years so I'll look awkward if I refuse but it's something I feel very strongly about.

You don't have to let anyone have your baby if you're not comfortable with it. Your baby, your rules.