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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Visits from family who live further afield when baby is born?

30 replies

Cafeaulait27 · 04/07/2021 04:12

I’m getting ahead of myself as it’s ages until my due date, and hoping everything goes well and we get to bring a healthy baby home.

I just wondered how others managed/plan to manage family visits after baby is born if they live far ish away?

My family live at the other end of the country and usually they would come and stay for a weekend and stay in our spare room (we live in a 3 bed town house) which is fine. But I’m feeling like when we have a newborn it might be better if they stay somewhere else locally and just visit us during the day, as the nights will be full on for us with all the feeding and nappy changing and getting used to it all (we’ll be first time parents) and I feel like having parents/siblings etc staying will be stressful and we’ll just want time to ourselves to adjust.

Just wondered what others have done/will do? Not sure why but it’s bothering me a bit, maybe I’m worried about upsetting family if they are expecting to stay as normal. We haven’t discussed it yet

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starrynight21 · 04/07/2021 04:35

My parents were living a long distance away when DD was born ( our first). To be honest it didn't bother me to have them stay - I think they came over when she was about a week old ,and stayed in the spare room for a long weekend, ie three nights and three days. It worked fine - Mum was busy making meals and Dad was pottering in the garden and we all enjoyed the baby.

There were only two of them - it sounds like you might have more than that ? But honestly I wouldn't have wanted people coming and going every day as you suggest. If they were staying elsewhere and then coming over for meals etc , it would have been more like "having visitors" and feeling like I had to entertain them. By having them all the time for a few days, we all just chipped in , and it was pretty easy.

starrynight21 · 04/07/2021 04:38

You mention parents / siblings coming . I'd suggest that instead of letting everyone come at once, maybe you could say "Two at a time" or something appropriate to your family. I'm assuming that your siblings are grown up - if so they shouldn't all need to come in one big crowd. Maybe you could invite your parents to come alone one weekend, and your siblings the next weekend.

stellarfox · 04/07/2021 04:38

Our nct class suggested giving yourself the first two weeks with no visitors so you can get settled as a family. We did that apart from my mum and sister who live very close, and we were really glad that we did! Something to consider. You can always say 2 weeks and then see how you feel once baby has arrives but I think it’s better to manage expectations now and you can always reduce it later. Or if you do have visitors right away only have people you are comfortable telling to leave when you need to/who are helpful/who won’t outstay their welcome!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 04/07/2021 05:21

It depends on the personalities involved and how they're likely to behave. Its really hard for answers to be meaningful to you if posters have a different dynamic with their parents/ extended family.

Are your family members likely to behave in a way you find genuinely helpful? Or to expect to be hosted with you waiting on them? Or to be the "expert" advising or criticising byou/ expect to take over?

My mother stayed after dc2 was born and expected to hold him while I waited on her. Unfortunately she stayed two weeks, and our relationship nearly broke down - before she arrived I'd been happily holding him, breastfeeding on demand and pottering with dc1 with him in the woven wrap - I didn't want, and wasn't able due to caesarean section recovery, to hand him over so I could "get on" with deep cleaning the house and shopping for and preparing the complex "picky" buffet style meals my mother expected (she complained bitterly that my "shove it in the oven" one pot stews and oasta bakes were too "heavy") and bring her endless drinks and clean up after her. Being separated physically from the baby I'd only just been pregnant with made me very unhappy and less able to concentrate on his sibling or anything else. My mother wouldn't "hear" this and felt I should be grateful for her "help" in holding my newborn all day against my wishes. It had to xome to a proper argument before anything changed even slightly.

However I knew in advance the stay wouldn't go well, but allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed.

Other women find extended family genuinely helpful. Still others have different problems. Only you can really anticipate.

My advice would be to be firm about the length of stay more than the location. A weekend, not two weeks!

LuvMyBubbles · 04/07/2021 05:31

Depends on your relationship with them and if they drive you crazy or not!

Marty13 · 04/07/2021 05:42

I guess it depends on your family. If my brother and SIL visited after my child was born they'd be staying at mine, no question. If it was my mother... I'd probably tell her not to come at all.

You're the only one who knows what your relationship is like with your family !

sarah13xx · 04/07/2021 06:21

I’m worrying enough just about the visitors, never mind visitors staying over 🙈 I’m having a c-section so going to see how bad I feel when I get home. Going to try and get a short initial visit from all the grandparents out the way within the first few days - in laws are still quite formal visitors that need hosted so I really hope they don’t stay all day if I feel terrible and just want my bed. I think I would actually just be quite rude for once and say I was away to my bed if they did! Then going to try and not have anyone else til it’s been 2 weeks so I can physically walk etc, just feel so vulnerable about the idea of people seeing me hobbling about in pain 🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster

Cafeaulait27 · 04/07/2021 06:37

Thank you so much for the responses. I should probably also mention I’m having a c section!

Most likely my parents will visit at some point, and my siblings/uncles and aunts etc at another point. Usually with my parents we do ‘host’ them by cooking all the meals etc just because they do the same for us when we visit and we usually enjoy treating them, but I hope it’ll be pretty obvious we wouldn’t be able to do it this time haha!

I think I may need to play it by ear, they are generally really understanding and hopefully they’ll be aware they need to sort themselves out if we do have them stay… maybe I just need to play it by ear, see how I feel after the c section with the recovery etc. It’s all unknown territory, really not sure how it all works/etiquette.

I wonder if it might be best to have people stay away until 2-3 weeks after the birth when I’m more recovered x

OP posts:

glasshalfsomething · 04/07/2021 06:44

2-3 weeks always feels like a long time not to see family after such a big event. But, I had my Mum here for 4 days after I got out of hospital. She was great with making brews, looking after my eldest and doing general light chores - putting the washin on, wiping surfaces, starting dinner etc.

Couldn’t have done it without her - especially the chance to talk to someone each day.

How is your relationship with your parents. Would they come to visit the baby or to help?

sandgrown · 04/07/2021 06:46

@sarah13xx why do you think you will be hobbling about in pain? I had a CS and while it was a bit uncomfortable and I couldn’t lift anything I certainly was not hobbling. Walked baby in pram every day (on HV advice) . I would allow helpful visitors for short visits .

Original poster

Cafeaulait27 · 04/07/2021 06:50

@glasshalfsomething We have a good relationship with my parents, my husband will be taking 3 weeks paternity so my thinking was that it would be good to navigate being new parents together for the first few weeks without outside family members, but that’s just my feeling on it, not sure how I’ll feel when it happens. Lovely as my parents are I feel like we might want some space to get used to it all first. Did you do it on your own (without a partner?) hope you don’t mind me asking, your post just made it sound like you would’ve been alone without your mum x

OP posts:

sandgrown · 04/07/2021 06:53

Grandparents and siblings are usually desperate to see the baby.Could you allow a short non staying visit then put everyone else off for two weeks?

Original poster

Cafeaulait27 · 04/07/2021 06:55

@sandgrown not really as they live over 4 hours away - so having them come just for a day would make it a very long one for them with lots of driving!

OP posts:

PurBal · 04/07/2021 07:11

I stayed in a hotel when my niece was born. It put less pressure on DB and SIL and I slept better. I could have stayed with them, they had a spare bed, but they were very grateful I didn't. I'd do the same again.

starsinyourpies · 04/07/2021 07:12

Completely depends if they are helpful (will cook, empty dishwasher, take baby out for a walk while you nap etc) or create work!!

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 04/07/2021 07:13

My mum came up and stayed in a hotel to initially meet the baby and then came back after DH went back to work to help. She helped lots so I didn’t feel I was hosting her. I’d ask what they were thinking about when the baby comes as they may have thought ahead and if not you can adjust their expectations

NameChangeNameShange · 04/07/2021 07:14

I know you say its ages away but I'd be raising the issue - keep it low key but flag it early on. I think half the problems lie in the new parents assuming it will be obvious that things will be different in terms of hosting or wanting the first couple of weeks to themselves, whilst at the other end of the country Grandparents are separately planning on coming down at first contraction and being there the whole time! So chat with your mum and make sure you are on the same page.

Also consider different circumstances with DHs parents. Do they live nearby? Will they be popping in? Again, perceived inequalities in terms of visits will also cause ructions. So keep everything open and try to keep things simple

PurBal · 04/07/2021 07:14

[quote Cafeaulait27]@sandgrown not really as they live over 4 hours away - so having them come just for a day would make it a very long one for them with lots of driving![/quote]
It's their choice to come though, its not your responsibility to put them up.

Toottootdrivers · 04/07/2021 07:16

My family live about 4 hours away. My mum came down and stayed for one night when DS was first born, then left us to to it and came back two weeks later when DP had gone back to work. Honestly she was a lifesaver. I was massively struggling with an infected episiotomy wound and she did all sorts to help out.

DB came down about a week after DS was born. He stayed with us for the weekend and again made himself useful. I think that's the key. Make sure that if family come down they are going to be helpful. Have that conversation with them beforehand if you have to!

junebirthdaygirl · 04/07/2021 08:28

If your parents are people who Row in it's very helpful to have someone around just to keep an eye on baby while you have a shower or a little lie down. You might appreciate them more when dh is back at work. So maybe a one night stay to see the baby and a longer visit when that happens. I just loved having someone to hold the baby even for a few mins so l could get dressed without worrying.
Make sure inlaws get that visit too!

sylbunny · 04/07/2021 08:52

I had my parents stay in a b&b when I had both my children. They were with us most of the day but it just took the pressure off us to host and meant I could go to bed early and not worry about waking around in my pants with my boobs out.

Original poster

Cafeaulait27 · 04/07/2021 08:56

@sylbunny thanks - I’m thinking that will suit us best!

Even if they do all the cooking and dishwasher etc while they’re here, it’d still be 2 more people, and we only have one tiny bathroom and live in quite a small terraced house… I just feel like we’d want to be left alone to sort out the night feeds, Bath time and everything without having other people in the house. And also I could walk around naked hahah to air my c section scar etc! I feel like having them in a b&b and just having them over in the day will be much less pressure than people here 24 7. X

OP posts:

sarah13xx · 04/07/2021 09:11

Everyone seems to say you’ll want visitors to help etc but my in laws have never done anything like that before so it would actually make me more uncomfortable if they started cleaning or something 🙈 I’d rather they just came for a short time and went away. My partner will be off for 2 weeks and after that my mum will be there most of the time. She would usually come to our house to walk the dog etc prior to having a baby so I could happily go to bed while she’s here. When my partners off though I do want it to be mainly just us and manage the night feeds and things by ourselves.. as hard as that might be

sandgrown · 04/07/2021 09:12

I think that’s a good compromise and I am sure they will understand .

LuvMyBubbles · 04/07/2021 12:27

I would see how you feel once Bub is here. Don't over think it but don't be afraid to say no or to ask for help with meals etc do you are not hosting everyone.

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