Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Pregnant and don’t know what to do 😭

14 replies

LadyDynamite · 03/07/2021 16:11

Short story I’ve got the coil in, something just felt different and I did a test, came out positive so I called my doctor and he sent me straight to hospital to make sure it wasn’t ectopic, which it isn’t and all seems healthy and fine, problem is I have 3 children already and 1 has a severe brain injury, my partner doesn’t want any more children full stop and the first thing he said is you need an abortion but I don’t know if I could do that. Ive welcomed 3 beautiful children, how could I abort one? I’m so torn and confused. I’m 30 and I know my parents would go ballistic if I told them I was pregnant again. I also said I didn’t want any more children but now it’s happened I just don’t know

OP posts:

marnh18 · 03/07/2021 16:15

Its a hard one because i can imagine how hard this is with how your husband is feeling about it all. It doesn't really matter what your parents think as you are an adult. Its your body so i would say it is your decision. If you want to keep this baby then you get the final say and you shouldn't let anyone else dictate what you do with your body and what decisions you choose to make!

Seasidemumma77 · 03/07/2021 16:44

Didn't want to read and not reply. My heart goes out to you, such a complicated and emotional decision to make.

You must be going through a rollercoaster of emotions, not helped by the hormones. Really hope you have someone you can have a really honest and frank conversation with, talk through everything in a safe space. My best friend is my safe space, sometimes just pouring out everything, keeping nothing back, helps me gain clarity. My friend never judges me or tells me what I should do, just supports me. Really hope you have someone like this you can turn to, if not I would ask your gp to urgent refer you to a counselling service.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2021 16:48

If I were in your position, I would do what's best for my existing children.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 16:56

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must be so difficult for you.

It's always up to the woman whether or not she goes ahead with a pregnancy but I do understand how your husband feels, I expect you do as well. You have three children, one with brain damage. That's more than enough for most young couples to cope with.

At the moment you have an embryo inside you, not formed.

In your place I would terminate and make damned sure, belt and braces or sterilisation of one of you, that I did not become pregnant again. People do get over having an abortion. However nobody can make your mind up for you.

Good luck.

Lweji · 03/07/2021 17:03

Your parents are irrelevant on this.
However, I'd discuss it with your husband, as it affects the whole family. It's easier for him to say to have an abortion. But can you make it work together?

MumOf21 · 03/07/2021 17:20

I was in a similar position LadyDynamite, 4 Beautiful Daughters, career just getting back on Track, and l discovered l was pregnant again with baby number 5. My Copper-T coil had failed, and l was 10 weeks pregnant when l found out, with my youngest daughter only 8 months old. My GP removed my coil after having a scan and discovering it had slipped down low into my cervix, and sent me home for nature to take its course, which it did, and she was born the following Christmas, and is now grown up and Married with a family of her own, and works as the Head of an Early Years setting and is in charge of 90 SEN placements.
I was offered a fairly late abortion, but l could not go through with it, it was too late to have just had the simple medical abortion that’s available today, which were only just becoming available 30 years ago when this happened to me.
DH was a little worried when we found out, but it turned out that she was a blessing and a good support to her sisters when we lost DD 2 to Cancer after a 2 year battle 7 years ago.

Original poster

LadyDynamite · 03/07/2021 17:24

Thank you everyone. I actually went to my GP 2 months ago and asked for sterilisation but told I’m too young, even with my circumstances! I can completely see my partners point of view as he said with our son requiring 24 hour care how would we find the time to spend with another child when we struggle to have quality time with our other 2 as it is. I think realistically we shouldn’t keep the baby but I’ve never been in this situation before and I don’t know if I could bring myself to go through with it x

OP posts:

Chelyanne · 03/07/2021 18:00

You need to be 100% sure that YOU want a termination to be able to go through with one. It may well be hard work with a child needing special care but only you know if you can make it work. Best of luck whatever you decide.

At the same age as you I got a positive pregnancy test despite getting a copper coil fitted the previous year. We already had 3 children but more were not completely off the cards. I was sent for scans after an internal at the GP's, no sign of the coil but 2 little hearts beating away. I've had several miscarriages and could not terminate a healthy pregnancy, our twins are 6 now and we're expecting baby number 6 atm.

StillCalendula · 03/07/2021 18:30

@Aquamarine1029

If I were in your position, I would do what's best for my existing children.

This. From hard earned experience I am enclined to be pragmatic and look at the situation from a whole family perspective. I know it is not very acceptable to admit this, but we had one child too many. My marriage survived, just, but I know several others in a similar situation whose didnt.

thebookworm1 · 03/07/2021 19:09

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like it's very unlucky as you took all the precautions to avoid getting pregnant again.

That said, please do not let anyone guilt you into a termination if this isn't what your heart wants. Including by using the "other children" argument. Some women overcome terminations, others not - but that is largely determined by how they feel about terminations before they make the choice.

Remember that there is a "3rd way", which although is culturally unpopular in the UK, is just as legitimate and right as any other solution. You can carry your baby to term and have it placed for adoption. That is ok. It's quite a horrible thing that women here seem to be placed between a twofold choice - either keep a baby in difficult circumstances or proceed with a termination which they often don't feel comfortable with, deep down.
For some reason, terminations are pushed on many people who are not comfortable with them. But you do have options.

I'm saying this not to influence you but because I'm just a bit uncomfortable reading everyone giving you advice to terminate - it's such a powerful thing to suggest to someone, and this doesn't have to be a hard journey forever. Choosing to have the baby or entrusting it to another couple to care for are both also paths to happiness.

Mrstowelll · 03/07/2021 19:22

I advise accessing marie stopes or BPAS for counselling to help you come to a decision you are comfortable with. Sorry your in this position.

Original poster

LadyDynamite · 03/07/2021 19:27

I have thought about this! I know there is so many people that can’t have children that would love children. I personally know a couple who are struggling to have a child and they would be amazing parents! It’s definitely something I’m going to think about. I’ve had a discussion with my partner just now and he said he’s not dead against having another baby he’s just not sure how we would manage. I’m not going to rush into anything and take some time to think about it. Thank you x

OP posts:

thebookworm1 · 03/07/2021 19:56

@LadyDynamite

I'm so happy to hear you've been able to speak with your partner. It sounds like despite all the stress you're a really wise person. I wish you all the very best.

alltheeights · 03/07/2021 23:24

No advice on what to do or not do from me unfortunately.

But I just wanted you to know any choice you come to is the right thing to do and you do not have to feel guilty about your choices!

Having another baby: if you decide you feel comfortable in extending your family. You will adapt and over come. You are brave, strong and you made the right choice for you.

If you have a baby and choose to put the baby up for adoption: there is counselling available, and options to how involved you are. You are brave, strong and you made the right choice for you.

If you choose to terminate: again there is counselling available, you can get help before or to make sure it is something you can forgive yourself for and you will not be judged by anyone about your choice. You are brave, strong and you made the right choice for you.

Follow your head and your heart and do what's best for you and your family!

Wishing you all the strength

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread