Mums please chime in and tell me positive stories.

[ChaiTRex]

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. And I’m so excited. DH is very excited.
My anxiety about being a mum is starting to kick in though because we’ll…

I don’t know that many mums. Of all my friends my age, only one of my close friends has had a child - a 1 year old. She’s not happy. Obviously she loves her baby, but she cries about missing her “self” and her life before becoming a mom… all the time.
My sister in law doesn’t want another baby and hates how her whole identity has shifted to being a mom.
The one other woman I know with kids seems happier with her identity as a mother, but still is overwhelmed. Parents I work with (who don’t know I’m pregnant) like to joke and say things like, “enjoy being able to sleep, have alone time, enjoy being able to travel NOW because once you have kids, it’s over.”
My older sister seems to also be coming to terms with the fact that she’s not going to have kids and likes to tell me how actually, many of her friends REGRET having kids, it’s just taboo to talk about.

I know that realistically, life is not perfect and motherhood isn’t an exception to that. I always figured that pretty much everything you want to do, you can still do…just gotta plan a bit more. Looking for some words of encouragement is all. There… are happy mums out there, right? Thank you!

Everything changes. And we can't quite explain that to you until it happens to you.
Priorities change. Things that you think you want now, won't be the same in a year and that's ok. They may happen in the future.
I'm tired and grumpy. I complain more than I should. I do feel a shadow of my former self. But I'm definitely happy.

You are allowed to mourn your old life and complain about things but still be happy.

Look, everything will be completely different. Nobody can tell you which bits you’ll hate and which you’ll love because we’re not you.

You can’t really do anything alone, my DP joked this morning that DC was standing on one of his feet whilst he took a shit staring and talking to him. The gravity of this point will not hit you until it’s actually happening to you though. Nobody can explain this type of stuff because you’ve just never been through it before and you have to to get it.

But.. just remember people have more than one, it can’t be that bad

Congratulations 🥳 it’s exciting having a baby. They’re so much fun at times.

I moaned about my life before I had DD. I still moan about it since I've had her. It's what we do with our friends right?? But since I've had her I am happy on a level I didn't know existed before I had her. I have experienced a love I feel privileged to have. My whole life and perception of the world has changed. I still whinge about stuff though

Everyone’s experience is unique. But I can reassure you that there are definitely very happy mums out there.

I was in many ways terrified of becoming a mother. My pre-child life was focussed round work, adventurous exotic holidays, fitness and eating out. So I’d be lying if I said it was anything other than a seismic change.

Now, we have less money, time, sleep, and sex; I’m a lot fatter and less stylish; my abs are non-existent; we aren’t travelling because of Covid but we wouldn’t be going on adventurous hiking holidays even if we could; and balancing work and home is a constant struggle.

But yet, despite all those things, I’m 1000 times happier than I was before. I can’t explain why and it probably seems totally nonsensical but I just am. And I’m pregnant with number 2.

Sorry, I know that really isn’t very helpful because you were probably looking for some more concrete reassurance than ‘I’m just happier’. But it’s how I feel.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck on this journey x

I became a mum at 21, now have 5 kids and another due soon.

I love being a mum. The kids may drive me insane but they are the light of my life and I would never regret having them. I'm a forces wife so it's just me and the kids most of the time. It can be very hard like atm I have a UTI and been feeling pretty shocking but with no help available have had to power through. My anger is firmly aimed at dh's stupid job on that front though, only 4.5 years left and he finishes his full service.

@MissChanandlerBong90 No that’s the perfect thing to hear, thank you! Congratulations on number two on the way!

@linerforlife my goodness you’re right! I do think these women are happy, but what is there do do other than winge, really?

@Junobug thank you! I am prepared for a crazy seismic shift… in some ways I’m almost excited for it! We moved across the country (I’m in the US… mumsnet is far superior to all American pregnancy forums) three years ago so we could plant some roots, settle down and start a family. I think it’s especially hard for my good friend because she had a traumatic birth DURING covid and hasn’t been able to spend any time with her family since she child was born last March.

@FTEngineerM thank you! Haha I mean it sounds a bit hilarious to be honest.
……..
I was really overthinking this whole thing and got a bit teary. DH asked me what was wrong and I told him. He reminded me that the women I mentioned do not have very supportive partners.
One adores his wife and child but is so busy with work that he is never there, so the mum is alone with their child and doing ALL the work. The other’s husband is physically there, but he and my friend have a very tense, almost toxic relationship.

My husband gave me a big hug and said it will be hard, but we will do it as a team, and he will do whatever I need him to do to make it work for us. So then I stopped sad crying and started happy crying.

It is hilarious, kids are absolutely nuts and I can’t wait to have two!

Good luck.

I had a baby at 41 after deciding babies weren’t for me.
I’ve loved it. There’s hard bits and the tiredness is unreal. But it’s bloody brilliant overall.

We still do everything we did before (Covid excepted) and DD tags along.

The good bits far outweigh the hard. There’s no bad bits as far as I’m concerned. There are challenges though.
I think being old has been an advantage though, different expectations perhaps.

Being a parent can feel a bit relentless at times but I absolutely wouldn't change it for the world. I have a 22 month old DS and #2 is due in a couple of months time.

Your life will change - no doubt about that. But your description/expectations have been my experience of parenting so far (pandemic aside).

I think the biggest things that have helped me is that DH pulls his weight and I returned to work FT after 12months maternity leave. I don't feel like I lost myself at all, DS has added more to my life than I could ever have imagined. He completed me in a way I didn't even know I needed completing. I can't wait for #2 to arrive.

Doesn't mean I don't complain sometimes though. I do wish myself and DH got more alone time (both together and separately) but the children won't be small for long. We'll blink and they'll be off doing their own things.

I started a thread when I was pregnant among similar questions, - I felt like all I was hearing/ reading on here was the negative.

I struggled a lot after DD was born with anxiety, I'm knackered and its definitely taken a while to even begin to feel like myself again, I don't think I'm there yet really. But honestly I'm so happy to be her mum and yes happier overall generally, some bits are undoubtedly shit and I probably do moan to.my husband quite a bit but that doesn't mean I'm not so happy to be a mum and her mum specifically.

*asking similar questions

I have 3DC and I am genuinely happy. Have I slept a full night in 9 years...no. do I go out any more....no. is my career where it would have been....no. do I get a moment's peace and quiet in the house....no. BUT would I change it for the world... no. The baby snuggles, wobbly walks, amazement at a stick on the floor, princess dresses to the supermarket, learning to read and write, becoming sassy independent young people. Kids are hard but they really are the best. Good luck in your parenting adventure!

Kids will drive you insane, it's true but there is so much love

The early years are intense and you do lose yourself a bit, or I did anyway. But you get through it and they start school and you get a bit more time to yourself, and find new hobbies and things, and feel like yourself again even if life doesn't have to be exactly how it was before. I do loads more now actually because I'm always out and about with DS.

The main thing I think people aren't prepared for is the relentlessness. It's a bit like having a 24/7 job with no annual leave that costs you money instead of paying you. But you get a kid and they're funny and cute and amazing and fill you up with love.

Being a mum is ridiculously hard work. There is no such thing as ‘time off’ from it because the mental load of it is always there. Even if I’m not with my DDs, I’m worrying if they’re ok, I’m thinking about all the things I need to do for them and I’m mentally planning. DD2 has a cold at the moment so sleep is not going great but she’ll only be this little for such a short while. DD1 is 7 and already so independent and grown up.

In spite of how tough it is, I wouldn’t change it. I love my family with my DH and having our babies made us much stronger as a couple. We already know we want at least one more child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t be put off by other people because their experiences aren’t yours.

There is no one else on this planet who can make me laugh as much..make me foot hoppingly mad..frustrated as hell ..or totally proud of them as my kids.. It is worth every moment both wonderful and awful.. it is the best adventure you can ever go on ...enjoy every moment

It’s like everyone else is saying. It’s the best and most difficult thing I’ve ever done. My little boy is such a brilliant, funny little person. And I have another on the way. I think it’s ok to be apprehensive. Your friends with children might just need to vent, so don’t be too hard on them. You certainly won’t get the full picture from listening to them. And social media can be a bit scary too. Each day is full of a hundred lovely special moments you want to hold on to forever, and probably another hundred moments like “if I have to clean up any more sick/poo/wee/food I’ll explode” good luck mama. xx

@Chelyanne wow you are a rockstar! Thank you for sharing for your story

@Megan2018 this is so good to hear, thank you!
I figured that even once things are normal and we can travel again…you can take a kid on a plane!

@Curiosity101 thank you! My partner is definitely very hands on… even seeing how he is with our pup and with housework, I know he’ll carry his fair share of baby work. I don’t think I’ll be able to take a full year off, but I may go back part-time at first. I’ll want to spend time as much time as possible with baby.

@AliasGrape oh wow do I feel you… I feel like that going to be unavoidable for me. My anxiety hit record peaks after a miscarriage, and there’s not even that same hormone high to come down from! Luckily that pushed me to find a really good therapist, so I have that on my side.

Honestly I do think it really helps if you have a good partner and you get lots of support and work as a team. Congratulations

@noscoobydoodle thank you 😊
@BastardMonkfish I figure the first few years will be rough. But honestly, I feel like time is just flying by. I’m 33 and I often find myself thinking, “if we had had a baby 4 years ago, they’d be in pre-school now.” So I think I’m just going to suck it up and try and be as a present as possible. It goes by so fast already, and I know kids grow before your eyes!
@grey12 hehe it’s alright I’m already a bit nuts
@BeingATwatItsABingThing thanks for being honest about the hard work bit. I know there’s no way I can comprehend it until it’s really happening. But I’m hoping my experience is like yours and it’s all worth it ❤️
@Eggnoggoanngoanngoann thank you 😊
@Highlandmama thanks for your response. I think you’re right, they just need someone to talk to. What is life without complaining?

@Moomala thank you! I’ve got a good one so I think that will make it a lot easier :)

I don't think you know how it will hit you OP. Obviously the love you feel for the child is indescribable and once it's there you'd never wish it away. It's a powerful love that you've never felt before. Having children is life changing and I wouldn't regret it for the world.

But ... I think motherhood suits some more than others. It's life altering, identity changing, tests your confidence, changes your priorities, drains you.

I miss my life pre-children and I miss my old self. I'm definitely not happier since becoming a mum.

Whereas I have friends who have never been happier and seem to enjoy the mundane routine and craziness that comes with looking after tiny humans. They thrive on it, even!

Sounds like your partner will be supportive, which makes such a big difference.

I have 3, currently pregnant with #4 and I absolutely adore them all. They are the light of our life, bring so much joy and happiness and fun to every day. Of course they drive me mad too with their tantrums, whining, sibling rivalry, etc etc but at the end of the day, I know that when they're grown up i'll forget the negative stuff and just remember the positive bits!! And there really are so many.

It helps that my DH is hugely helpful and supportive.

I can honestly say I prefer my life post-kids to pre-kids. I'm more settled, more organised, more aware of who I am and who I want to be. You're sure to be an amazing Mum and remember that its a package deal!