Telling friend with fertility issues I am pregnant

[Anonapapple]

I have a friend who has been ttc for a few years now and they have had treatment etc. Still no baby :-(

It seems that everyone in her life is getting pregnant and I really feel for her. I am pregnant and she will not have been expecting this, as it kind of came out of the blue (me and DH thought we were finished having kids, which was common knowledge). I am really keen to tell her in the most sensitive way I can.

We live in different countries. We normally text and send voice messages; we never have phone calls.

I can't tell her in person as I will be showing by then and I dont want her to have to put on a brave face to be 'polite'. Ditto a phone call...I dont want her to have to act happy to please me.

I don't want to text in case she reads it quickly on her way to work or something, and is kind of bombarded by the information without having time to digest it. That seems very unfair.

I was considering sending a text telling her I wanted to tell her something important and then send a voice message. My hope is that she will read the text and expect some kind of 'news' and make a decision whether she feels like she can listen to the message. If she does listen to the message, she probably will be somewhere quiet anyway so will most likely be somewhere she can take a few minutes.

I know she will be happy for me, but I also know that she will most likely have very mixed feelings about her own circumstances. It sounds like I'm really over thinking this but I really want to get this right. I would rather err on the side of caution and be extra careful than be too blasé about it and risk kicking her when she is down. Any ideas?

She is such an amazing person and a very special friend. Its important I get this right.

Congratulations!

No major advice but she’s v lucky to have a friend who is so kind and understanding about her situation.

I’m struggling to conceive my 2nd and have had all my friends get pregnant and have their 2nd batch and some are considering 3rd 🤣 it’s painful sometimes but it doesn’t stop me being extremely happy for them and their families xx Also, whilst i appreciate kindness on the topic, I don’t want or need pity or sympathy.. whilst it’s devastating on some levels it’s not the end of the world.. (i also struggled for a few years to have my first, and had started to make my peace with the situation x)
Only tip would be to not say it was a happy accident - to someone trying month in, month out for years that can feel a bit hard to swallow 🤣. A simple, we are really grateful and very lucky to to having another baby. I know you say you don’t talk on phone but it might be a lovely time to pick the phone up?

I’m sure as you say, your will be happy for you and sadly, this issue is hers and her partner’s journey and there is very little you’ll be able to or say to make her feel better / worse or change the situation so relax and tell her xx

I'm never a fan of texts or messages asking to call later as I just assume something terrible has happened! I've been in the same situation as your friend, and whilst it's hard to accept other people's news it is just life. Maybe a text message when you know she's not at work, and acknowledge the fact that you appreciate she might find the news hard.

@user1481050140 thanks for your perspective. I really hope it all works our for you and you get your second soon. And thanks @OM82 for your perspective too.

I agree with sending a text when you know she is not at work. I also wouldn’t send any scan pics or anything, just a text to let her know. It is inevitable that it probably will upset her, a friend told me she was pregnant by text not longer after our first baby’s due date who we had lost at 20 weeks and I had a good cry, but I was still glad that she had told me rather than trying to hide it from me and me finding out from someone else.

I was that friend up until I fell pregnant in January, and honestly, I just appreciated the honestly. I had a girl at work cover up her pregnancy to me and told everyone not to mention it because she didn’t want to upset me, but it was awful when I found out (which I eventually would!!)

From my personal experience, I’d of preferred a message over a phone call as I’d have no idea how to react on the phone and would feel more comfortable being able to digest the info a bit before having to reply. Maybe put on the message you’d love to speak on the phone about it when she’s ready?

Good luck & congratulations xxx

A message would definitely be best. I previously didn’t want pity or sympathy (and it can come across patronising) - I just wanted sensitivity.

I also wouldn’t bring up it being an accident if you can help it, I used to find this ridiculous when people said this it using contraception when I was trying.

I would say something like - I hope you don’t mind me messaging this as it’s hard to know how best to tell you this news, but I wanted to let you know now as you’re a dear friend of mine that I’m expecting. Don’t feel the need to respond straight away or think I’m expecting a massive gleeful excited message as I know you will be pleased for me but I appreciate this is probably a shock x

I think something like that will give her the chance to digest and reply saying she was busy and congratulate you when shes ready

I was your friend. I’d say tell her by text or message but do it at a weekend or in the evening.? You could ask her what she’s up to before you tell her, just to check she’s home. If she’s anything like I was she’ll be really pleased for you, even though it might make her a bit upset or think why not me. However upset I felt I’d never not be pleased for them.

I felt abit iffy about telling my SIL who has been trying for over 2 years with no joy.
I sent her a text, ours is a rainbow baby but also our 6th child. I thought she'd need time to process it but she was happy and got a bit overly excited about it tbh. I feel for her because our other SIL is pregnant with their 2nd now too.

I'm currently pregnant but it took 3 years and a few rounds of ivf, so I spent long enough in your friend's position to hopefully help answer.

Honestly a text or a voice message is the way forward. Face to face and phonecalls are alot because you have to pretend to be OK even if you aren't. Don't get me wrong, she will be happy for you, but really sad for herself and with that comes feelings of guilt too.

I wouldn't text her saying I have news. She will instantly know what it is but then have the wait dragged out to be confirmed. I would text her general chit chat, ask her what she's up to etc. Then when you are pretty sure she's not at work or anything I would bring it up.

It's a hard thing to do. I struggled telling some of my friends I've been on this journey with that I was pregnant because I knew it would hurt them. But you really are an amazing friend for putting so much thought into it and she will appreciate that I'm sure

Please just text her.

I would text her, something along the lines of:
'Hi, I didn't want to keep this from you, but I know it might be difficult for you to hear. I'm pregnant, and I'm going to announce it soon, but thought you might appreciate knowing before.
If you don't reply, I'll understand.
It would be great to have a catch up with you when you have time. Xxx'
It gives her the heads up and also the chance to reply if she wants, but the let-out that she doesn't have to.

@Anonapapple
What an amazing friend you r, just be straight but sensitive at the same time with her, I'm in her shoes 4 miscarriages 1cp and I hate pregnancy announcements it's like a knife to the heart, my sil fell pregnant 3 months after my first miscarriage could nt even face meeting my nephew after he was born that Oct 2 years coming now as I had just went through my 2nd miscarriage 4 days before, I was down in there's last week just for my nieces to run out and tell me she was pregnant I wanted to get in to car and drive my sis was raging at how it was handled and how I was told, your friend will prop go quite for a while but that's ok that's just her way of dealing with it once you tell her leave it at that don't mention it again when she feels stronger she will for sure bring it up 💚

Simple factual text. Don’t say it will be difficult to hear. She’ll know that’s why you’re texting and won’t want it pointing out.

I was in her position for quite a long time. I would do txt message when it’s weekend or some quieter time for her and I agree with PurpleDaisies just keep it simple and factual.

Oh bless you sound lovely. I think a simple text would be better then she can read it and take it in if that makes sense. I’m in her position and that’s what I’d appreciate.

A text message at a time she is not at work.

It means she can digest the information privately before you next meet face to face. I would have found someone announcing a pregnancy face to face and on a 1 to 1 basis very difficult.

I was in this situation couple of years ago.
Both of us were going through IVF.
She was texting me on the day I got results and asked if I had heard yet, she was one of the first few people I told it worked.
She congratulated me, said she was happy for me etc but then became distanced which is understandable but I found it quite hard.
My advise, text when she's not at work, keep it quite simple, don't mention anything about how hard it will be for her and just basically you want to let her know.
She's very lucky to have you.

Been on both sides of this and definitely a text. Yes, it feels a bit impersonal but anything else and the onus is on the other person to pretend to be happy. With a message they can respond when they are ready.

I’ve been on both sides of this too. A friend sent me a message saying she was pregnant and that she knew it might be hard for me because of my miscarriage. tbh it did hurt, but I was so glad she told me that way rather than in person or in a phone call. I was really happy for her.

Then now I’m pregnant I had to tell a friend who can’t have children. I sent a message, knowing she would probably be upset by it. But I figured it was the only way, I didn’t want her finding out through someone else or on social media photos xx

I agree, don’t say ‘I know this is difficult to hear”. Whilst it’s not the intention, saying that may rub it in. She doesn’t needed you to tell her how she’ll feel, she already knows that it hurts.

I’d incorporate it into a general chitchat conversation when you know she’s at home.