thinking of haveing # 4 but need opinions

[threeangels]

Maybe you can help me on this. My dh and I got on the subject again about having more children. I told him that I keep thinking about possibly having a 4th child. He said that we could as long as I wanted. My youngest is just about 2 and I'm starting to miss having a newborn around. I loved being pregnant and really want to experience that part again. I know they may not be the best reasons to go and have another baby but its really how I feel and I'm contemplating on another child more and more these days it seems. My only problem is I keep thinking about those dreaded nights getting up every 2 hours and just those things that a newborn brings when your exausted. I have had some depression after each birth but always came out of it eventually.

My ? is have any of you went ahead and had another baby even though you still had some worries. I'm mainly refering to starting over again with bottles, late night feedings, teething, all the things a newborn needs. I would like to try for another one but these things keep knawing me in my head. I guess this normal to some degree. I take having children very serious and never would bring one into the world just because I felt like it. I just miss the whole thing.

What advice can you guys give me? Thanks

Threeangels - it depends how badly you want another baby and if it outweighs your dread of the hard work involved.

I would really love to be pregnant again and go through the whole newborn thing (I feel so emotional when someone else has a baby). BUT - I find looking after two (one is 2.5 years and one is 7.5 months) so knackering that I know I must not have a third. My dh travels a lot for work (he's away all this week) and I absolutely hate being on my own with two children. So whenever the thought of another baby creeps into my brain, I just remind myself of how damn hard it is with two, let alone three.

Think about the day to day realities of looking after another baby - if it doesn't seem too daunting, then maybe you should go for it. But if like me the thought is too horrible to contemplate, then maybe you should just enjoy other people's new babies (that's what I do)

Funny, I am just the opposite. I love the thought of another child but can't stand being pregnant and am not mad keen on new babies either. I like my own but I never want to hold anyone else's and am not gushy about them. If my child's life could begin at about 9 months, I'm laughing!

It's not very helpful advice but, you'd have to change your name, threeangels. Threeangels and a baby - sounds like a film...

Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant.

threeangels, you have obviously thought about both sides of the coin, so I'd go with your gut feeling. I am currently expecting my 3rd. I too feel a sense of dread now I've just got my nights back (mine are 4 and 2.7mths)and going back to nappies after we've just escaped them. However I just really wanted to have a third and as far as I'm concerned the baby part passes so quickly anyway that it won't be long until we are back where we are now (ish!). As long as you are realistic about what is involved and you feel deep down you can cope, then I think surface worries about sleepless nights etc is perfectly normal. Doesn't every mum-to be worry about these things, no matter how many she already has?

I have 4 children Threeangels and honestly it is really hard work. My last was not planned either and I was devastated when I found out I was pg again, for many reasons, including the ones you mention. I fell in love with him the minute he was born, as with my other children though. However it is undeniably hard work, and relentless it seems. Everything has to be worked out on the scale of army manoeuvres now, a bigger car is needed, bigger house possibly, more laundry, more shopping, more ironing (if you do it!). babysitters are harder to come by with so many to look after, invitations to other houses are less frequent because so many children are hard for people to cope with. Not to mention all the many times I've been asked by strangers if I am planning any more, why have I got so many etc etc. I could go on more but I want to keep this relatively short. On the plus side they get very excited at christmas time which makes it more special (though a lot more expensive!), they are very close to each other, and I guess when dh and I are too decrepit to do anything ourselves , chances are that one of them will take pity and look after us! As I said I love them all and wouldn't change any of them, but it is very very hard. Hope this isn't too depressing for you!

I have 4 and yes, it is hard work, but I like the interaction of a big family. I found that the more children I had the more i coped with sleepless nights because i got very good at sleeping deeply for short periods. I breastfed so didn't have the hassle of bottles and babies got fed 'on the run'. A new baby is a lovely addition to a family. Once you have 3 number 4 just slips into the chaos that is already there

Hi Lou33 - Thanks for replying. Of my 3 kids my two oldest are now 10yrs and 13yrs. Other then then the normal chasing of a 23 mo old I have never felt too overwhelmed with having the 3. Not like friends I know who have 3 or more younger ones running around at home (birth-elementary). This is why I thought having a 4rth might not be to bad. I'll have an almost 3 yr old and then the other 2 which do much for themselves anyway. When I say that I mean like, dressing, bathing just entertaining themselves when I'm so busy. My reasons for doubt are mainly just the normal demands a new baby requires (starting over again). I didnt handle the time after coming home from the hospital too well. Allthough I would hate for that too stop me from adding to the family because I know that part all subsides in time.

Does anyone with 3 or 4 kids find it easier having a baby with siblings that are older and more independent. Thats probally why Ive stayed sane after having my 3rd. I remember some of you mumsnetters saying you have babies along with older kids at home. Sorry to go on and on I would just love to have some feed back to help me figure out what I want to do. We all know having babies is such a big commitment and lifelong decision. Thanks.

Mears - I think we were typing the same time. Thanks for the words.

My reaction is to go, 'yeah, have another one' because I love the idea of big families. The older two being the age they are makes me think you might keep your sanity because you won't have 4 to wash and dress and take to mums and tots etc. Also, it might be nice for no.3 to have a little playmate close in age.

Have you got room for another? Would a house move be on the cards with a bigger family? Would your car cope or would that need to be changed? Would you be ok financially? All boring and practical but all considerations.

From what you say, a baby would be greatly loved in your family and what better start than to have a loving mum and dad and siblings in a family who love God?

Thinking of you.

Hilary -first I meant to tell I chuckeled when you said I d have to change my name to Threeangels and a Baby. Just may have to do that. Just kidding.

As for our car we recently bought a mini van after having our 3rd. As for the house we are in the process of moving to a smaller home for a few months in another state. Then we will begin our search for a 4-5 bed house. Two of my kids can share a room for a good while. Our finances will be much better since my dh will be starting a new job. I always wanted a big family to raise in a Godly home. My focus in life you could say is mainly that goal. I'm already a SAHM so I wouldnt be losing any job income. I think I will have to talk to my dh tonight. I'll let you know what happens. My dh is sometimes hard to talk to because all he ever says is "Its ALL UP TO YOU". Sometimes I hate it when things are left for me to decide. Hes pretty easy going.

I would say by reading this thread back threeangels that you seem to have made up your mind! I can imagine that with the age gaps you have it should be a lot easier for you. My oldest is only 10, her sister is almost 6, followed by a 23 month gap for dd1 and a 27 month gap for dd2, who also has cerebral palsy, so mine might not be the most typical family picture to paint!. Reading my first reply again it may have sounded a bit depressing (!) so I have to say for the record, that I love my kids and love my life with them, and wouldn't go back and change anything now (Did I say that with my fingers crossed?).
Whatever you decide good luck.

Loy33 - I thought your reply was quite helpful. It did give me some points to think about which is really why I posted. Dont worry you didnt sound depressing. I do appreciate it.

I have big gaps between my chldren. When my fourth baby was born my others were 9yrs, 17yrs and 21 yrs old. It was easier in that the older ones could do for themselves but harder because we had got to the stage where we could go away for weekends on our own (not that we ever did, but we could have!!) adn then lost that freedom.

Although we didn't have problems such as toddler tantrums going on we had other dilemmas such as the 21yo being ill with an ME-type illness and threatening to drop out of uni and the 17yr old taking crucail school exams that would decide whether he would go to uni.

My take on it is that there's never a problem-free time to have a baby, the best you can do is choose which type of problem you can deal with the easiest!!

Oops, didn't spell check first!

oh, threeangels- go on, have a 4th. Just stop thinking about it and do it!! I've posted recently ummming & ahhhhing about having a third. (As you probably know, because you were so kind as to answer me - and egg me on, I'll remind you!) (Mine are 3 & 1.5 ish) Anyway, my dh is also a 'do what you want' sort when it comes to things like this (that sounds bad - he's a fasntastic daddy & dh). Anyway - we had a big talk & we're definitely going for it!!!! So exciting!!!

I have to say, I agree with Hilary, except for me it's 18 months, not 9! As soon as they can walk & talk (ish) it's ok, but little babies fill me with horror.

Let me just say, I was at a playgroup last week and I was the only one with 2. All the others had kids about 20 - 24 months & they were all saying they wondered about another but were put off - does having 2 mean twice the work etc etc, and I was saying no, of course it's not, there is more, but not double, and my 2 are so lovely together (can't be guaranteed of course ) etc etc blah blah blah. Anyway, then I went away & thought :Hey, I've answered my own question" - all their fears about a 2nd is exactly what I fear about a 3rd, and frankly, if I do get to have another, it'll be the easiest one yet.

So, in summary, I think you should have number 4 & time it with me having number 3, & we can hold each others cyber hands!!!

Monkey - I was laughing as I read your last sentence. Well I guess you could say last night was the first night of our journey (if you know what I mean). I dont want to sound so personal but I'm just curious if you and dh are in the process of trying to add to your family now. I only wondered because you said you guys had a talk and were going for it. Its kind of nice to post back and forth knowing were on the same journey at this time. Keep me updated if you ever have any good news to share. Good Luck!

Well, to get down to the nitty gritty if you must 3angels, I had my mirena iud removed about 2 hours ago, so I guess tonight could be the first step in our journey! But the doc did warn me it's best if possible to have 1 period, as there may be a slightly higher risk of miscarriage. I wish I'd known that before - I would have waited till just before my period to have it out, but I figured we'd get cracking straight away, as I think I'm ovulating nowish (honestly, how can I have reached my mid-thirties and not have a clue about how it all works down there??).

He did say that if I did get pg before I had a period I shouldn't worry as most women will go on to have a problem-free pregnancy, so I'm not sure if I should lock myself in the spare room or a couple of weeks or just let nature take it's course. I'm such a horribly impatient person, right now I just think 'sod it, nothing bad's gonna happen to me', now we've decided I just want to get on with it, but then I know if I did get pg I'd immediately start stressing! What would you do? Anyone else know about the risks?

Oh, also I've got a dental appointment next week to have a filling removed & re-done. Do I need to cancel?

good luck to you too! Do we get a prize if we get there first - mind you, you've already got a head-start on me

Monkey: if the filling isn't too bad, why not wait until after you've had baby, when dental work is still free, to get it replaced?

Thanks Zebra, but I don't live in the uk, so it doesn't apply - although I made full use of this 1st time!

I had my check-up & 1st visit with this dentist a few weeks ago, but then he had a holiday & I could only make certain appointment times, so that's why I've had to wait so long. It's probably all in my head anyway....

Thanks for thinking of me!