Do I plan pregnancy around family wedding abroad?

[Finallybroody]

My brother lives abroad and his wedding is planned for summer 2022, after being cancelled twice already due to covid.

It’s a long haul flight, and the trip away will be a total of 3 weeks. It’s also in a Zika virus area - pregnant women advised not to travel there and I wouldn’t want to fly long haul during pregnancy anyway. Myself and DP are hoping we are able to start TTC in a few months time, as we don’t want to delay any further as I turn 35 this summer.

I have a very small family, and a couple of them have already said they won’t be going due to cost, and my parents have said to me “thank god you are coming otherwise there will only be us two there from your brothers side, I can’t believe X & Y are missing out”. I have floated the idea to my parents of what will happen if I couldn’t make it and they’ve said how terrible it’d be.

I don’t want to broadcast my TTC plans to my family as it’s something I wish to keep private but I feel under enormous pressure to make the choice to either let my brother and my parents down by TTC before we go and risk having to not go because I’m pregnant, or delaying TTC to next November, because you have to wait three months from arriving back to U.K. before sperm is clear of any infection.

I’m torn between not wanting to let my family down and have my brother upset that only his parents are there for his wedding (when his wife’s entire large family will be there), and not wanting to lose a precious few months TTC time when I’m already anxious about turning 35 very soon.

Has anyone else been in this situation before and what did you do?

Also definitely wouldn’t delay. Plus as others have said no idea if next summer you can travel to this country anyway. Many countries will take 1-2 years for covid vaccine programs to reach everyone. And that’s optimistic.

You can travel long haul when pregnant (I did) but wouldn’t travel to a Zika region.

Just another one saying I absolutely wouldn’t delay. For one thing, the wedding could quite easily be cancelled again. But more to the point, if you TTC and you’re lucky, the baby may well be here by the time of the wedding and all three of you will be able to go. But if you’re less lucky, you’ll have lost nearly 18 months and you’ll be 36.

Start trying now. A number of friends had a few miscarriages as they TTC over 35. It could realistically be several years before you have a baby.

Been there done that. Quite literally. I chose to get pregnant and it caused havoc. I didn’t attended the wedding and my sister was a nightmare over it. Relationship isn’t quite the same, but honestly I think moving continent can do that.

I regret nothing. My DD is perfect and came at the right time for our family.

As all the PPs have said, don't delay on anyone else's account. Crack on with it now. Your family will have to understand if it does happen.

Don’t delay. It took me 3 years to get pregnant. My sister in law to be is annoyed because the baby is due a few weeks after her wedding to DH’s brother but you just can’t time these things.

At 35 I wouldn't be waiting, you don't know how long it's going to take for you to actually fall pregnant and your brother can't expect everyone to put their lives on hold for a wedding. I wouldn't broadcast that I was TTC, I don't think family need to know that but I wouldn't be putting it off.

Started TTC at 33 and it took 2.5 years and IVF - you can't plan how these things will go so just get on with it.

I personally would just TTC now if you're in a good position, as it could take 1 month but could take several!

We TTC when I was 26 and it took nearly a year. I ended up being pregnant when we had a destination wedding to go to that DH was groomsman at and had to cancel going as it was in a country with zika. I felt sad to be missing it but wouldn't have wanted to delay having DD. Especially now she is here and their wedding was cancelled regardless at last min due to covid! Plus you may have your DC, decide you want a second and be pressed for time depending on how easily/not easily you can conceive.

I'm getting married at the end of this year and would be horrified at the thought of any of my family considering altering their TTC plans around my wedding (although v different as I live locally to most of our family and wedding is in hometown).

Go for it OP. Travel plans to go anywhere are so uncertain right now it doesn't seem wise to delay if you're ready.

If I were you, I would definitely start TTC now. There is usually always something that comes up to make having a baby not good timing, if it's not the wedding, it could be something else. Go for it!

Don't wait with TTC if you're ready now. My second pregnancy at 36 took well over a year with a MC and I regret not starting both pregnancies earlier.
You don't want to take that risk for a wedding that might well have to be postponed again with how uncertain travel is now.

Is it a country rated "Very low risk" or "Risk"?

Can you ttc now and if you don't conceive in sufficient time to birth and say have a 2 to 3 months old by the wedding review givne there doesn't seem to be sigbficant risks to them (though I get this isn't ideal either) ?

I think that you need to be honest, at least with your brother now, saying what's going on and that your wedding attendance maybe impacted.

I suppose the ultimate question is, how much do you value attending the wedding for your brother? Is there any reason to think that you'll struggle to conceive? (if there were I assume you would have already been trying).

Statistically, there's no discernible difference in likelihood of conceiving between 35 and 36. If you were talking 34 to 37,yes,there would be a slightly greater reduction in success.

@BusyLizzie61 the country says “risk” rather than “low risk”.

Thanks for your replies everyone and has pretty much confirmed what I knew deep down. We aren’t TTC right now as we are waiting for some house/work issues to settle but we will be good to go in the next few months.

She’s living her life - having the wedding she has chosen. You’ve got to live your life too. Youre at an age where you haven’t got time to waste.

They will have a lovely day with or without you (honestly they will).

Don't wait for their wedding - anything can happen between now and then.

Why wait for house/work issues to settle? If that doesn't go as planned are you not going to TTC? Seriously, you are 35, who knows how long it will take to get pregnant - I'd just start now...

Oh, and the wedding is a total red herring. Anything could happen to change the circumstances and a pregnancy or tiny baby is an extremely good reason to change your plans. Your family will understand.

I didn’t think there were any active zika outbreaks at the moment? You’re sure it is a zika area?

If there’s an outbreak now, there may not be one next summer.

I wouldn’t delay. There’s also a chance we won’t be able to travel next summer still, and it’ll end up cancelled anyway.

Ps- don’t let people scare you about your age! I got pregnant at 35 in approx 5 seconds!!!

Most people are bringing up age but really I think delaying plans to get pregnant due to a wedding is too much at any age (unless it’s your own and it’s your choice). I really wouldn’t want anyone to put plans on hold for my wedding.

Also 35 isn’t crazy old to start TTC. Don’t feel panicked as it doesn’t help. Obviously statistics show a decline in fertility but it’s not a cliff edge and you’re an individual so you don’t know how it’ll be for you. I was coming up on 35 when I first started TTC but it took 2 months (with just one ovary).

I didn’t mention age just that it took me a long time to conceive. You don’t know going in how long it will take. But the earlier you start the more time you’ve got to seek help if it doesn’t go to plan.

I wouldn't wait to ttc, if the wedding was this summer maybe but that's like a year and a half almost you'd be waiting. It's a shame for your brother if you can't make it but i'm sure he would understand, if you have a wedding abroad surely you have to expect people might not make it.
Took me over a year to fall pregnant at 29.

Hi! I'm slightly in the same position as you as I have two important weddings next year (brother in law and best friend) which are both abroad, one very far away. If I get pregnant like right now we will make it but if not I don't think I can attend. We have been trying for a baby for 7 months now and had one ectopic pregnancy. We are young and healthy and naively but genuinely thought I would be pregnant by now, but I'm not. I wouldn't delay as you never know what's going to happen and how long it's going to take for you to conceive. To be honest I even slightly regret that we delayed starting TTC by a few months after our wedding got cancelled because of covid last summer as I desperately want to become a mum. I genuinely don't think you would regret missing the wedding if you were pregnant and I really think everyone would understand!