How to tell people you've had a miscarriage

[cherryshine]

Does anyone have any advice about telling people you've suffered a miscarriage?

Sadly I miscarried on Monday, I was only 5 weeks but DH and I had been TTC for nearly a year so we're both gutted and struggling to come to terms with what's happened.

I've told close friends and family, but I am going back to work tomorrow and am worried about what to say to my colleagues. I'm finding it hard to actually say the words without getting upset, so does anyone have any advice for how they told people? I was thinking of saying I've been ill but I know my colleagues will ask questions about what's been wrong (they will have good intentions). I don't mind people knowing, but I don't want the awkwardness of having to tell someone and then they feel bad for asking.

I'm dreading going back to work as the last time I was there I was pregnant but I need to get it over and done with, just need to figure out how to answer questions when I'm put on the spot.

Thanks

I am so sorry for your loss. It is such are horrible thing to go through. I had a MMC at the back end of 2019.

I only told my boss and one other colleague. Everyone else was told I was just off poorly. I couldn't cope with being asked about it at the time.

Could you ask someone else in your team to break the news, rather than having to do it yourself? Or alternatively, could you send an email to those you want to know? It might make it easier getting the words out there.

Could you ask someone else in your team to break the news, rather than having to do it yourself?

This is what I would do, give your closest work friend a call and tell her and ask her to tell the rest of your colleagues for you if you'd like them to be aware, she can let them know that you're upset but not ready to talk about it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking after waiting so long.

I wouldn't tell anyone. Just say you've been ill and leave it at that.

💐

@Time2b33

I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking after waiting so long.

I wouldn't tell anyone. Just say you've been ill and leave it at that.

💐

Personally I would do the same as I presume you hadn't announced your pregnancy.

If your colleagues (rudely) pry, I'd just be vague.

Sorry Op xx

I’ve not told anyone and I’ve had 4. I’d hate for people to gossip or treat me differently mind.
People don’t need to know, just say you’ve been poorly if you want to. Or like PP ask line manager/colleague to let people know.

I'm so sorry. It's so hard and such a tough place to be. Sending you love.

You don't have to tell anyone why you were off, or you might feel like you would prefer to. Either of those is absolutely fine - everyone will feel differently so do what's right for you.

Personally, when I miscarried at 12 weeks and had some time off, I couldn't bear the idea of coming back and people saying "are you feeling better?" because they assumed I was ill. I was worried I'd just crumple.
I asked a trusted colleague to let people know before hand, and when I returned to work I was surrounded by kindness and people who said "I've been there too."

I think it's something we should be able to be more open about.

I found it a lot easier people knowing, so after my second miscarriage, I asked my friend to tell people if it felt appropriate - like I didn't want him to call everyone together and make an announcement but to tell if it made sense. My boss also did that for another colleague who had a miscarriage at 15 weeks around the same time, which was good because she'd been showing so everyone knew she was pregnant, poor love.

I never told anyone at the time (I've had 3, one of which whilst I was in the work bathroom!). I did tell a work friend a few months later, but didn't feel the need to explain anything at the time. Do what you feel is best for you though

I'm going through the same at the moment. I had told my manager I was pregnant already because I'd been having morning sickness, so I let her know (she also has been through a miscarriage so she has been very understanding and supportive as I've broken down crying every conversation we've had). I've told one other colleague, but everyone else I've been vague with "I had a medical emergency and am still recovering so I am taking it easy." So far no one has asked me to elaborate.

I just say I’ve had 7 pregnancy losses. Or 7 pregnancies and no baby. I hate the feeling that it is a thing I cannot talk about it - is it to save others from the painful news? I want to talk about it (obv to the right people not clients etc). It is a huge aspect of my lockdown experience this last year. My boss talks about it in euphemisms because he is older and I can tell feels awkward. I am an open book type person though. Helps me cope to talk!

You don't need to tell people if you find it hard.

I never told people when I had miscarriages as I found it hard enough to deal with it in my own head. My husband who should be my support is totally useless with emotional support too. Nobody noticed there was anything wrong after all 5 of my 1st trimester losses and I grieved in private. I'm comfortable discussing things after the grieving process but it rarely comes up then in person, I do talk about them on here more than with people I know personally.

I really struggled when I was going through a loss as I went to a BBQ and people were teasing me saying "I must be pregnant" because I'd withdrawn my horse from a jumping competition, citing a urine infection/antibiotics. They wouldn't leave it alone... "Well, if you aren't pregnant, why aren't you having a drink?" etc. And in the end, I blurted out "well, I was pregnant, but I'm currently miscarrying as we speak... so that's why I'm not riding!"
It was not the right way to do it... but I felt trapped and actually, if they are going to ask uncomfortable questions, they have to deal with uncomfortable answers!

Everyone I work with became well aware of what I went through because it ended up being ectopic and I had surgery/time off... but noone will really talked about it to me. I would say if you do want people to be aware/prevent those difficult questions, just give someone a heads up at work and ask them to discretely let the team know so they don't put their foot in it/upset you :-)

Hi, I had a miscarriage last month and I was off for 3 weeks. I told my close friends and family. I also had to tell my line manager and the people I work for. I work in a large service for the NHS in an office all girls who talk. Anyway, I knew I'd get a lot of questions and I actually felt like I wanted everyone to know as there's such a stigma around miscarriage. I know it's not for everyone but I put a post on Facebook about raising the awareness etc and that's how everyone at work found out but rather then them coming up asking how I was and what was wrong they were full of support but not too in my face or that makes sense!

Hope you're ok x

I’m so sorry OP, it’s crap. I told people as it came up - one work colleague when I explained why I needed time off on a particular day, friends etc as the topic came up. My attitude is broadly, “This shitty thing is made worse by the stigma/silence around it so I’m not going to shy away.” But in the early days when you’re feeling raw you really need to do whatever you feel. Telling a trusted work colleague is fine, as is being vague, as is coming in and telling everyone what happened.

`I lost 4 pregnancies - never told anyone. I just said I'd been off sick with a cold. I didn't want my circumstances to be the topic of the day in the tea room .

Think about it before you tell - you can't unsay it. Best wishes to you xx

It’s a horrible time, I remember it well.
Depends on your work colleagues I think on what you say. I told mine as we’re a tight knit group and a fairly physical job (I’d had 5 losses at this stage).
I didn’t tell anyone else at the time although I do now if I’m asked(many years later with a couple of children)
It’s a very personal choice but for me I wanted to reduce the stigma around pregnancy loss. I’ve been amazed by just how many people around me had also suffered losses and kept quiet, people were sympathetic rather than uncomfortable ime