Planning pregnancy - no maternity - worried

[CAA121]

Hi everyone,

I’m very new here so not sure if posting in right place and not too savvy with the lingo so apologies for that.

I’m just in a bit of a panic over balancing a new born with full time work.

So, my partner and I would like to start trying for a baby within the next year. I run a business with my Dad and we rarely get any time off, we have recently hired two members of staff to assist in the day to day running but with brexit and covid the work hours are full on. I quit teaching to run the business with him as it grew. The business couldn’t survive without me or my Dad so my major worry is how I’ll manage post birth to balance running a business and having a baby. My Dad also wants to retire within the next year and has made it very clear he wants to take a step back and I step up more. I’m 30 and my partner and I want to expand our family (he has an 8 year old son). I know I’m not getting maternity leave so pretty much as soon as I’m able to, I’m back to work. My partner is taking full paternity. My major worry is that I’m very maternal so the thought of not having time to do baby classes or see our new born baby most hours of the day is really disheartening. I want to breast feed but can’t image just being attached to a breast pump just to give supplies over to my partner.

Any advice on how to balance work / bonding with baby? I feel like I’m going through all the hard bits like pregnancy and birth with none of the joy in spending time with our new born. I hate to say it but i’m so jealous that my partner gets paternity whilst I miss out and not sure how to handle those feelings, I don’t want to cause any animosity. At the same time I can’t let my Dad down and he wants to retire and reduce his hours. I’m struggling to balance everything in my head. My Dad has told me there’s only certain times in the year I should have a baby as Xmas time is manic within the business and I need to be there full time but with endometriosis as well I can’t help think timing it perfectly will be very difficult, conception may be difficult enough.

Any advice / help / words of wisdom is greatly appreciated on how to balance returning to full time work ASAP and also trying to be a good Mum

Could your partner do your job and you be at home with the baby? Not trying to be annoying, just a genuine idea. Why does it specifically have to be you? If your dad showed some flexibility on who could do the job it would be much better for everyone by the way you've described it e.g wanting to breastfeed.

You won’t know how you will feel during or after pregnancy and I can’t imagine being able to go back to work without having at least three months off, and even then you might find it too hard to leave your baby.

Surely no one is indispensable and you could get someone to cover you for six months?

It sounds difficult with your dad but if he is retiring why does he get a say about your maternity leave?

Very few people get to decide when they can conceive. There are times that I didn’t want originally but after a few months with no luck, you move on from that and just hope you’ll get pregnant. I’m due early December and I wouldn’t have picked that but it took us 10 months and now I’d take that over not being pregnant.

You say you don’t take any time off? You’ll be stepping up more so your dad can retire. What if you have a difficult pregnancy or a high risk pregnancy that means you cannot work as you are now? Let alone increase your responsibility? I think the best thing would be to look to take on a manger that can pick up some of yours and your dad’s roles.

Were you pushed into the family business to not let your dad down? There’s a lot in your post about what your dad thinks and what your dad wants. It seems you want a baby and feel you have to manage the business because your dad wants you to.

You are eligible for maternity allowance and I would take the full 9 months. You’ve got two new members of staff start training them up and your partner. Your partner can do the parts of the job you’d rather staff didn’t do such as the books and dealing with suppliers.
I have a business, for baby number 1 my mother minded the business and for number 2 my mother did a day a week and it ran on a reduced basis. Some trade was gone when I got back but other trade appears. Plus I wasn’t in a fit state to look after children and run a business for 6 months the first time and 3 months the second time.
I don’t regret taking the time with my babies.

I’ve been (and will be again) in the same situation as you. Sometimes there is no option to take maternity but please remember first and foremost, don’t let work run your life and your goals, and that pregnancy is 9/10 months long and a lot can happen in those months.

I have a family business and I don’t get any time off. I gave birth, and was back in the office 3 days PP. most people are horrified when I say that, but for me, it was what came most normal to me, as my role (like yours) was dependant on me and me only.

What worked for us, simply was bringing baby to work. It depends entirely on what you do, and I’m office based it wasn’t customer facing.
It was hard, don’t get me wrong but we adjust I’ve been so lucky to have my son with me for 3 years.
I took the early days slow, I did the ‘core’ work I needed to and then I would take work home and work at night when my husband was around. Eventually, we got into a routine more or less and I would gradually pick my work back up and later this year, we will have baby 2 arrive! My son will be in childcare for longer by then, but I aim to do a similiar thing. However this time I am happy to delegate more -last time I was very determined I would NOT change and it was more because I was so worried about loosing part of me if you know what I mean, but preparation is key and if you can work out what you can find feasible, and delegate the rest then it should be fine.

Another thing is if your husband is able to take any longer off, then that would be an amazing help. Everyone’s situation is so different and I got so many looks and moans about no maternity but to me, I loved it. My son has grown up seeing me work hard, and we’ve spent so much time together.

If you can’t take any time off you shouldn’t be having a child. You have your priorities wrong! Wait until your Dad retires and has no say if you aren’t prepared to stand up for yourself now and take at least 6 months off.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your dad. Maternity leave is your right and especially if you already know you are quite a maternal person, please don't give up on this. You only live once. I am a maternal person too and honestly, to me nothing I have ever done in life or will ever do compares with the periods of maternity leave I was lucky enough to have. There must be another solution. Could you train one of the new staff members to take over more tasks, can your dad delay his retirement for your (and his grandkids') sake rather than you giving this time up for his sake... I don't think you should just accept that you won't have any maternity leave. In fact this time is vital for your child too, fourth trimester, establishing breastfeeding, etc etc.

Thank you all for your replies.

Unfortunately my Dad wants to keep the financials between us which I understand. My partner also wouldn’t be able to do my job, very different skill sets. My partner wants full paternity because when he had his son, he spent a lot of time away in the navy and missed everything. But I just wish we could trade places, I know that sounds so selfish to say. I guess I’m trying to please my Dad and his desire to retire, but at the same I need to provide for my family so leaving isn’t an option financially or morally.

Thank you so much tuxedocat for your reply it’s lovely to hear from someone who has been in the same boat. Baby at work is definitely more feasible and an option I will explore, thank you

@CAA121 bless you, it’s a really hard decision but honestly, you will work it out. You will make it work because of your want for it.

I understand feeling jealous of your partner, I do with my husband! He gets to switch off from work and have days with my son whereas I don’t get that as I’m constantly at work but there are so many advantages too, when my husband works I have my son, and remember you can still take the afternoons or mornings to have your own maternity leave if you can do.

In all honestly my office is like a playroom 😂 but it’s wonderfully chaotic x