Nasty comments have started from SS DM!!!

[OohImBlindedByTheLights]

Only announced our pregnancy last week and already my SS is getting upset by the comments his mum is making about us. SS is 13 and has told us he hates how nasty his mum is being.

Comments include
"she's going to get so fat and uglier"
"You're going to get left out"
"They will love the baby more than you"
"I bet the baby will be so ugly"
"I hope she has a horrible birth"
"They won't love you anymore and won't want to see you anymore"
"I bet they pick a horrible name"
"It won't really be your sibling"

I'm doing my best to ignore it and put it down to potential jealousy but just had enough already and know it's going to get worse!

I saw her myself in Tesco on Tuesday and she was going on about all the negative sides of labour etc, so I just turned around and said "wow, were you this negative with your own pregnancy?"

We have told SS that yes things will change in the house but we will always make sure he in involved and that we will still make sure he gets his yearly holiday (once it's obvs safe to do so) and that we will always love him and want him at the house. He knows all this and says it's his mum who is making him upset and when he tells her to stop being nasty, she replies with "well go live with them then!"

From previous experience, it's best to ignore her as if you engage with her, she gets worse, but opening up to MN to see what other advice there is! It's a very strained relationship and we keep communication to a minimum but usually civil.

I'm not the OW, DH had split up with her about 4 years before he met me. They were never married. Not sure how that's relevant but don't want to drip feed.

Not a lot you can do really except try and ignore and reassure DS. His dad could explain to mum that she is upsetting and damaging their child but it sounds like she won't care.

I saw her myself in Tesco on Tuesday and she was going on about all the negative sides of labour etc, so I just turned around and said "wow, were you this negative with your own pregnancy?" you handled this well I think and also are very aware of the situation so this will hopefully help you rise above it.

This is a really sad and difficult situation but it sounds like you're doing the best that you can. Make sure your SS is okay and is able to deal with the negative comments that he hears but it sounds like you're doing this anyways. Take care of yourself and don't let them affect you either.

When people are being nasty, remember it's a reflection of them, not you. She must be feeling insecure or jealous or maybe she's going through something and taking it out on you and your pregnancy which isn't okay. The thing is maybe she was as negative about her own pregnancy, if not out loud then maybe in her own head and she sees you doing well, DH and SS with you and supporting you and this might be her way of dealing with it all. Again absolutely not acceptable but might help put it into context for you or for her if you ever get a chance of having another conversation with her. I hope this situation improves for all of you.

@InnaBun nope, it falls upon deaf ears unfortunately and she would probably get her kicks from it knowing it's bothering us.

@choccrumpet thank you. It isn't new behaviour so I'm trying not to get anxious and preempt what she's going to say/do next.

I just know once baby is here and she starts making comments about the appearance etc then i won't be able to hold back :(

@OohImBlindedByTheLights I can't imagine how horrible that would be, my heart goes out to you. Remember that It'll always be a reflection of her. If you feel good and happy inside you will spread goodness and happiness. She obviously fees something very different. And the things she says she most likely knows aren't true, it's clearly her way of coping with whatever it is she's coping with deep inside, or rather not coping. You're better than this and don't need to stoop to her level. Enjoy your life and your lovely family and don't let her stop you

Hmmm perhaps your DH needs DSS to share all this with him and protect you from her venomous outpourings?

Why is DSS telling you all this? Does he rely on you both to help manage all the emotional bike his Mum is pouring on him rather than than him deliberately telling you this stuff because he knows it causes hurt/issues?

Your DH needs to step up and deal with this differently and in a way that is healthier for everyone.

I would be asking DSS "why do you think your Mum said that" just gently encourage some critical thinking around his Mums behaviour for his own long term emotional health.

@RandomMess we have tried the approach of asking why he thinks his mum says these things and his reply is always "because she hates you and hates how I am happy coming here". She literally hates everything about him being here - hates our cat, hates his friends here...

But in the past I have wondered why he tells us these things and I know it's not just to cause hurt. Dh had it mentioned by the teacher at the last face to face parents evening (2019) that he's been upset due to comments his mum has made and I know it's not a form of attention seeking etc. He says he tells us because he trusts us and feels safe here.

Well it's good that he sees things for what they really are.

Honestly I'd get him some therapy. How it must feel that his Mum who is supposed to love him hates him being happy spending time with his Dad she is really damaging him

I wonder if DSS would rather actually live with you guys full time so he isn't subjected to the onslaught of bitterness and hatred anymore?

Can SS come and live with you? If its feasible to do so maybe make the offer then he has a choice if it gets too much for him.

@RandomMess we have thought about that option to be fair but he has his roots down at home. He has some lovely friends there and he's excelling well in school and he's had trouble settling in the past so we feel it would cause more damage to uproot him. But to be fair, all this would be for another thread.

He has had therapy previously.

Perhaps you would benefit from some therapy to protect yourself from his sharing of all these delightful comments!

If DH collects him why can't they have these conversations in the car whilst you aren't there? Obviously some will come up at other times but sounds like SS needs to offload but you don't need to be the one to hear it?

I'm expecting (13 weeks) and my stepson (7) said to me "But the baby might not survive mightn't it?" and I thought that was an odd thing for a little boy to say. He seems to know a lot about how much labour hurts too so I'm fairly sure he's being "educated" by his mother. Back at the start of our relationship he informed me that his mummy thought I was "a bit fat" and that he didn't think that was very nice. I took a deep breath, swallowed my insults and told him "that's fine, that doesn't upset me. Everyone is a different shape and size and at the end of the day, as long as they're nice people it doesn't matter does it?" And he agreed with me.
Why do adults have to be so mean to each other???

@catmommy I'm sorry you're experiencing the nastiness too. Let's just hope the comments stop soon 🤞🏻 congratulations on your pregnancy :)

@OohImBlindedByTheLights I know, it's frustrating more than anything as we try to be civil.... It sounds like you're having a rough time, hopefully she will settle down once she realises there's nothing she can do to really get to you. Just keep reasurring SS I guess, he seems to have his head screwed on, and as he gets older he will have a better idea of whose opinions matter. Congratulations to you too, I hope it gets easier! x

DSS’ mum sounds awful, but TBH at 13 he is old enough to know that his telling you this will have an impact. He knows his mum is saying these things to be nasty, so if he knows that then why is he repeating them to you?

Your DH needs to talk to him about these comments, but he also needs to do some probing as to whether DSS himself has issues with you/your pregnancy. And he does need to be told that if these comments are upsetting him, then it’s not on for him to then start telling them to you which he knows first hand can be upsetting. If he wants to talk about things then he needs to offload to your DH, not to you.

And tbh I would even be wondering whether all of this is coming from his mum or whether at 13 some of it could be coming from friends etc purely based on their own understanding of pregnancy etc, and he’s repeating them saying that it’s his mum saying them because she’s said horrible things in the past so he knows that you will believe him if he says it was her.

I don't think expecting him to not tell you I reasonable. He's a child trying to work out why his mum is saying this stuff, he needs to talk about it to process and understand. As hurtful as that may be to the OP.

How far away from his mums house are you? Could he feasibly come and stay for 2-3 weeks and still go to school etc?

I had this nonsense with DS's mum, really spiteful stuff especially that a new baby wouldn't be a real sibling as true siblings come from the mothers side 🙄 I was fat, ugly, she hoped the baby would die etc.
Funny thing is, I wasn't pregnant, christ knows why she thought I was 🙄 she figured it out eventually.
I just ignore bullshit and concentrate on DS

Do more of what you are doing. Lots of positive reinforcement. Involve your SS in every aspect. Would he be able to go to a private scan with you both? I'm not even sure this is possible at the moment.
Any way at all you can involve him in decisions? His help to design an aspect of the baby's room or help to choose toys for his sibling.

His mother sounds horribly jealous and is turning this into a negative for her son. You are doing things right.

Horrible behaviour from his mum! I had similar from DSD - "my mum says your baby will probably die because you're old" (34 so hardly ancient but old enough that it did actually hit a nerve). I would ask your DH to speak to SS, let him know its fine to talk to dad about it but not to repeat any comments to you. Its hard when youre pregnant to deal with this shit. And I agree that if he passes on comments such as "my mum says your baby is an ugly little rat" (another corker from my Dsd) then you will most likely see red and say something that won't help your poor stepson.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck, she sounds horrendous

She emotionally abusive, I know you said you don’t want to uproot him but his Dad needs to do something because his son is being emotionally abused by his mum.

Oh god, I feel awful as you're going through the exact same situation as me!! My DSD is excited for the baby already, asked loads of questions and already wants to help with baby's room and picking clothes out! Her mum is nice to my face, even asking for a copy of my scan pictures (wth?!?!) but any nasty comments will be ignored because as others have said, it's a reflection on her, not us. Also see if your DH can have the chat with his son before he gets to your house on pick up days, maybe explain that nasty comments cause stress and upset and these need to be minimised during pregnancy especially.
Massive congratulations on your pregnancy!