I don’t want to do this

[Mrssab1]

I’m mid 30s, happily married and 35weeks pregnant with our first child. The Pregnancy has been a breeze and everyone around me is so excited, everyone apart from me.

Over the last few weeks, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t want to be a mum, I don’t want my life to change, I just want to turn back time and make it all go away. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare and can’t get out.

I feel guilty, because there are so many people who who kill to be in the position, everyone around me is so excited, my husband can’t wait. But all I do is cry in secret and mourn for the life that I’m leaving behind.

I’ve spoken to my husband and he says I’ll feel different when baby’s here, he got upset, as he’s so looking forward to being a parent.

I just know everything is going to change and I hate it. I dont know what to do, I don’t even know the point of this thread. I just want to know that it’ll be okay and that we’ll settle in to a new way of life and that I’ll bond with the baby (a the minute, I nothing)

Was the pregnancy planned? How did you feel before finding out you were pregnant?

I think it’s quite common to panic or feel anxious about what life is going to be like while you are pregnant. Pregnancy hormones can play a big part, and you suddenly realise that there is no turning back and you start preparing yourself / thinking about what is to come. So to a certain extent, fear, concerns and anxieties can be normal.

However, it can also be more than that and could be a sign of perinatal depression. Keep talking to your husband and also consider speaking with trusted friends / family too. Your midwife or gp should also be able to help advise / offer more support.
Alternatively you could contact PANDAS who provide help and support throughout pregnancy: pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Lots of love to you OP

With both my pregnancies I've felt somewhat similar towards the end. Slightly panicky and 'what the hell have we done'. There were certainly moments when I would have paid good money to turn back time and not get pregnant in the first place.

I agree with PP that it is probably more common than people admit, but do seek help if you think it's more than just a wobble.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way OP. I was like this for most of my first pregnancy. Like PPs have said, I think "I've made a terrible mistake" is a much more common reaction to pregnancy than we realise, but in my case I was suffering with prenatal depression. Do seek support from your midwives and GP if you think you might be too.

You will be OK though. Having a baby is a massive adjustment and you may well have more "what have we done?!" moments in the first few weeks and months after your baby is born. I certainly did. But the joy will be unparalleled and even the hardest parts pass by so quickly. Crucially, you will still be you. You'll still enjoy the same things and be the same person, and before you know it you'll be doing all of the things you loved before you had a baby. It isn't the end of life as you know it, I promise.

Fwiw, my daughter is almost three now and the light of my life. It can't have been that bad, as I'm currently pregnant with my second!

Good luck, you'll be fine.

I felt panicked before my dd arrived,first time around. It was like the enormity of the situation hit me, my life would never be the same again and that made me scared. It isn't the same, I'm more tired, juggling work, family life but I am happier than I have ever been. I am pregnant with my 3rd and honestly can't imagine what it is going to be like with a newborn after so many years (dd is 5 and ds nearly 4) but I am excited as is dh and our two children.

You are allowed to feel as you do. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby or won't once it arrives. There are so many phases of parenthood, this is just one of them and you will come out of the other side x

Hi OP. I totally understand how you're feeling I was so similar. I basically ignored the fact that I was pregnant - it was in lockdown so no one saw me with a bump and somehow I just sort of forgot I was pregnant. When DS was born my DH bonded immediately, and I didn't. I thought DS was a cute baby but he didn't feel like he was my baby. I was just going through the motions for about six weeks - I'd be doing the night feed in tears and googling "not bonding with baby, mumsnet" - seriously there are so many posts from women saying they didn't really bond with their baby while they were pregnant or in the first couple of months. The baby is sort of a lump you have to do stuff for. But then they start to become more awake and aware and interactive. DS is now 4 months old and he is the most wonderful little person. He smiles and laughs all day and we just play and I am so glad he is in my life. I think you'll be fine too xxx

Speaking as someone who took 5+ years, multiple rounds of IVF, and ultimately donor eggs to get pregnant and stay pregnant... please allow yourself to feel what you feel. You don't need to carry around a side order of guilt because people like me exist. Don't beat yourself up like that

It's not uncommon to feel some level of 'what have I done!?!?' about pregnancy, at some stage or another. I did, in spite of all the above! But I do agree with a pp that it's worth talking to your midwife to check out whether there's an element if perinatal depression going on for you. It might also be helpful if you have a trusted, understanding friend or family member who you feel you could share this with. It sounds as though talking to your husband about it is complicated because he's not managing to put aside how he's feeling to see how you're feeling, so your own emotions sort of end up in a box marked 'nope, these are the wrong feelings, stop having them' when you've talked to him about this. I'm sure he's not doing that on purpose, but it's not a helpful dynamic for you right now.

When baby arrives, please don't worry if you don't feel that big rush of love people talk about. Not everyone does. I didn't. Maybe you will! And that's cool! But there's this big cultural narrative that you'll be all loved up the minute you see your baby, and actually if you're going '....... that's a baby. Yep. Definitely a baby' then that's fine too and not something to worry about.

And, you know, babies are hard. They do change your life massively, especially to begin with. I don't think there's anything wrong in recognising that. It can help you, to an extent, to know that for a time things will be very different. But they will settle, over time.

Best of luck to you, OP.

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel such as GP?

To me it sounds like when you get cold feet before a wedding or other big decision, you start to question why you ever changed your life and why your leaving behind your comfort zone.

I agree with your husband when he says it’ll change once baby is here. It sounds like anxiety but I would speak to someone in a professional capacity just to help get your feelings in check x

I'm 35 weeks too and after an initial panic when I first found out I was pregnant I have come round to the idea and started getting excited. Then this last week the panic has been creeping in again, I don't feel ready with baby stuff and still have so much work stuff to sort out before I go on maternity that it just feels overwhelming. Added in to that the fact I want to be out pottering in the garden and either can't because of all my work stuff or because it tires me out makes me sad I can't enjoy simple hobbies anymore.

I actually said to my DH the other day "I've changed my mind, I'm not ready for a baby" so I think as others have said it is completely normal, for me I'm still able to rationalise things and talk myself down/stop myself from spiralling into other worries but definitely talk to someone professional if you're not able to do that. I'd recommend self-referral via IAPT rather than your GP as when I spoke to my GP about stress a couple of weeks ago she was less than useless.