Gender disappointed

[rexandmom]

Before I go on, please please don't judge me. I honestly just want a healthy baby no matter what. The way I feel is more to do with things family members/friends have said.

So I never thought I'd be bothered about the sex, I've always imagined I'd have all girls so when I gave birth to a son I was shocked but he is the light of my life and I am obsessed with him.

When I found out I was having another, I was sure it was a girl, but after analysing the nub, I am now convinced I'm having a boy. As this is my final baby, I just can't help feeling a bit sad I will never have a girl and I feel jealous of people who do have girls and wonder why I haven't been blessed with one. Writing this I know how ridiculous I sound.

I must mention, a few family members and friends have said they will be disappointed if I have another boy as there is no girls in the family. This is so upsetting because I can't do anything about the sex and don't want them to be disappointed in my child for something he cannot control.

Anyway, to avoid a disappointed face during my gender reveal I decided to secretly order a sneak peak test to get used to the idea of a boy before hand. I don't know if it's a good idea to do behind my partners back. I feel bad.

The only reason I'm doing it is just to prepare and get used to the idea of having 2 boys which I'm sure will be amazing! I have a boys name which I love and I know I'll be happy either way. I just want to know.

Am I a horrible person?

You knew there was a 50-50 chance of having a boy right?
A girl might not be the mini me you dream of anyway.

@Charlieiscool helpful

I'm in the same boat. I'm sure my second is another boy. I'm not finding out.

Sorry you feel like this, too.

I have 3 girls. I will admit that I wanted a baby boy so much and I did cry when told that they were girls.

But now they are 17,8 and 6 and it doesn't really matter anymore(and hasn't mattered since their arrivals). There are times when I look at the boys clothes in a shop and wish that I had a boy but I was given 3 healthy happy and crazy girls.

So I buy cute boys outfits for those friends of mine who have had a boy.

Gently, I'm going to suggest not doing a gender reveal. You're worried you'll look disappointed, and friends and family are telling you they'll be disappointed if it's a boy - that doesn't sound like a nice fun celebratory thing, it just sounds really fraught.

@Persipan maybe your right.

Of course you're not 'horrible', but having some big 'gender reveal' is just inflating the importance of something that is really, really minor, and giving your family the impression they have some kind of input on this. I knew I was only having one child, and had no conscious preference, but found myself deeply irritated by my SILs who had themselves had two boys apiece in quest for girls, and assumed I shared their disappointment, which was based entirely on ridiculously stereotypical ideas about frilly clothes and shopping.

X-posted with @Persipan. Entirely agree about the reveal.

Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling, which will pass very quickly, and feel completely irrelevant by the time your baby is born, but don't shoulder the burden of someone else's wailing for one second.

Do you think you will react badly though? I know you wanted a girl but you’ve already convinced yourself it is a boy and are already getting outraged on his behalf. I get it, I have 3 girls, it infuriates me when people say “poor DH” or “maybe the next one will be a boy”. Like why are my girls not enough? They’re perfect.

Anyhoo I think it is normal to be apprehensive and also you do never know how you will react. I always wanted girls, convinced myself I was having a boy, then was sad when I didn’t have one… not that I wish any of my girls were boys… it’s complicated, go easy on yourself.

Your not horrible, these feelings are very common and normal.
I do find it sad that your family and friends have said they would be disappointed.
As you know either way you’ll love your baby no matter what. It just takes time to come round to the idea of what your having!

I think it's disgusting what your friends and family have said. How dare they.

There are advantages to same gender in terms of handing down clothes and toys and them playing together.

We've one of each and decided to have a third because my mental health was quite poor when children were little and I've now had therapy and sorted self out so would be nice to experience it hopefully without fog of feeling sad and anxious.

I was desperate for a girl. As was my daughter. Son couldn't give a hoot even if it's a bloody lizard or something. I felt huge guilt at the disappointment I felt when they told me it was a boy. I too was convinced from first scan photo it was a boy. I felt ashamed of being sad and also massive guilt at disappointing daughter. I know it's not same situation, but just wanted to normalise these feelings you're having. I'm 32 weeks now and still hoping it's a girl. 😆 this is just on a superficial level. Obviously as long as it's healthy and happy all will be wonderful.

I agree to avoid the gender reveal. I'd potentially not even bother finding out to show people who unimportant it is to you guys (even though it isn't, but you know, it might make them get it that it's not cool to put pressure on you to have a girl). It's less likely they will express disappointment when gender is announced as part of safe arrival announcement.

Don’t do a gender reveal. You and your family will be happy whatever arrives once he or she is here.

Based on my sample size of two, girls are much harder work!

Not at all but if you would rather not do a reveal that’s ok too

There are free groups on facebook who will look at the nub from your scan pictures. Sneak peeks aren't very reliable if you live with males - they are easily contaminated.

I wouldn't do a gender reveal, it doesn't sound fun for you.

Another one here saying don’t do a gender reveal.
If you and your DP want to find out, then do, but don’t tell anyone else until the baby is born. They are hardly going to act disappointed to your face when the baby is here!

I have 2 boys, and when I told my dad we were having a second boy, after my 20 week scan, he actually said “aww, not another boy”. I was fuming. Don’t do it to yourself.

What’s a sneak peak test btw?

Don't do a gender reveal. It's madness - you are worried you'll be disappointed, and there are people there who have already overstepped the mark... it won't be fun, it'll be tense and awkward. Don't do that to yourself.

Can off the idea of a gender reveal. Talk to your partner about doing the Sneakpeek test, or a gender scan, if you think you want to know. There's a school of thought that if you don't find out but try to be prepared for either eventuality, it's easier because it's a lot more difficult to be disappointed when your tiny baby is here... but that doesn't hold true for everyone, so you have to pick what you prefer.

A note of caution on the sneakpeek, though... they are REALLY easy to contaminate, especially if you've got males at home already, and it's not an easy process. I did one in March... I had to prick four fingers to get enough blood out, it hurt a lot more than I expected, and then they lost the sample so I never found out. Milking blood out of my fingers was harder than I expected and I touched the tap/shelf/towel a few times, so it probably would have been contaminated with DH's DNA anyway... A scan might be easier, if you do want to know!

Let yourself feel the sadness a bit, and avoid anything that's likely to make it worse - and a gender reveal really is. It's making the gender seem like a big thing to celebrate... and it's not, really. The new baby is what you want to celebrate. You don't need to draw more attention to whether it's a girl or a boy - it's your baby, and you'll love them.

I don’t understand why you’re doing a gender reveal, and why your family feel they can say they’d be disappointed.
This is your baby, I think you’re letting other people have too many opinions and ownership over the baby… there’s a lot to be said for keeping somethings just for you and your partner.

I had not heard of this Sneak peek thing

I thought the op meant a scan

Not saying they did of course but all new to me

@Jennyfromtheculdesac yep I would agree girls are MUCH harder work. From my opinion, the friendship dramas alone are way more stress than I expected. Dd is 9 so I imagine this can only get more complex.

DS much less complicated to manage and has always been more chill, more easy to feed, to figure out and a better sleeper.

My husband always jokes to me, a boy will wreck my home, a girl will wreck my life 😂. He is of course kidding. We love them both equally and dearly.

One of the reasons, main reason really, that I wanted another girl third time around was to try and improve on all the mistakes I made with my DD while trying to figure her out through all the different stages.

Ahh thank you so much for all your comments! You've all made me feel a lot better. And I am slowly getting used to the idea that 2 boys will be perfect.

Agree on not doing gender reveal also. Going to cancel and might even just wait until birth as it doesn't matter to me that much.

Thanks

Glad to hear you're skipping the gender reveal. Can't imagine a worse thing that you popping a blue balloon and lots of disappointment faces. However once the baby is here people will care less.

I do occasionally buy my best friends daughter an outfit when I get sad I can't dress my three boys in pretty dresses without judgement