Pregnant and freaking out

[Windinwillow]

Hi,

I have been TTC for nearly 3 years for a third child.

We already have 2 (DD8 and DS6) but always felt like we should be a 5.

After years of trying and sadness, lots of planned baby making and an operation (for some previously undetected gynae issues) I am now late for my period.

However, rather than feel excited..... I am totally and utterly freaking out! I think in my head it was never going to happen, and now it has and I’m feeling really anxious and panicky wondering if this is just a huge mistake afterall.

I’m worried about the dynamic of our family. When I started trying my son was just 3, but now they are so much older and the gap would be huge (9 and nearly 7 years). Both my husband and I are 39 and would be 40 around the time of the due date.

My husband was always happy either way.... I am the one that (really really) pushed it. And now I am really panicking that this is not the right thing for our family. My daughter would be devastated and after years of dreaming about having a newborn, the idea of starting over again suddenly feels so overwhelming. I can now see all the points that my husband was making and I just ploughed on as had the physical, emotional and hormonal need for a final baby.

What is happening to me?!?! Is this a normal reaction and just needs adjustment or have I just realised that Iv made a really big mistake?!?

Is the gap too big to work? Has anyone gone back to the beginning and in hindsight wish they hadn’t?! I really don’t know what to do with myself.

Thank you

I think no matter how much a baby is wanted there is always that "oh fuck" moment when reality sets in that life is going to change.

I think my husband would have been happy with one child but I pushed and pushed for another and insisted on multiple rounds of IVF and had twins 🤦‍♀️

That being said being 5 years older as a mum I've found the newborn stage a breeze this time round even with 2 babies. I guess the phrase "older and wiser" is true and I'm more confidant as a mom. Age wise you are no older than a lot of mums these days (actually a lot younger given the amount of women having babies into their 40s)

Yes the family dynamic will change - a 3 yr old toddler just isn't going to want to do the things a 10 and 12 yr old will but the good thing is they are pretty independent and you'll be able to focus on the baby

But first things first you have to take a test 🤣

I think it’s normal to feel that way. I have 2 and felt the same each time I found out I was pregnant even though we were actively trying. For some reason you always wonder if you’re ready. The newborn stage is so short and your older 2 will get to enjoy having a baby in the house if you are pregnant.

I also don’t think you’re too old or that the age gap between baby and the older 2 is too big! I would take a test and go from there OP. Best of luck 🤞🏻

Thank you both! I really appreciate your comments.

When I say I’m late..... I’m like 2 weeks late so I’m pretty sure. Just feel overwhelmed by the result which is why I think I haven’t tested.

Iv wanted this so badly for so long, I feel like such an awful person that I feel this way 😞

I've got a big age gap between my 1st and the youngest there's a 10 year gap. It's quite good. She's mostly independent so that helps. I do have to watch because anything she can do her brothers think they can do.

@DecorChange - Did it change your relationship?

We are so close at the moment and I worry that the baby will come in between us and reduce the bond we have. She and her brother are so close too.

I just wish it had all happened years ago and this wouldn’t have even been a thought in my mind.

Hi OP, I’m pregnant with my first so no experience first hand but just to say that I have the exact same age gap with my siblings. I’m the eldest, have a brother 2 years younger than me, and we were 9 and 7 when our other brother arrived. My parents were 37 and 39 so similar to you. He is honestly the greatest thing to have happened to our family and definitely completed us. We are super close - because of the gap he came to me for advice in his teens where it was awkward asking parents! I loved having a baby around when I was 9/10 - he was like my doll and if anything it strengthened all our other relationships - my other brother who I’m closer to in age and I are really close, and often joke to each other about how rubbish the youngest is at replying to our messages etc. I hope this reassures you - it is so lovely that I hope to intentionally plan this age gap with my own children. Best of luck for a healthy pregnancy x

I have similar age differences and I also had that ‘oh fuck, what have I done ?’ moment.
It was fine. So much easier with a new baby when the others are that little bit older, than having a new baby with a toddler.
Congratulations !

@Moon12345 that is super reassuring thank you so much for your reply.

I am a massive over thinker at the best of times.... I have been so swept up in TTC for the last 3 years that now feel overwhelmed with the reality!

How did you little brother feel? Did he feel left out / like an only child at all? Did it make events, holidays and activities difficult as a family?

I have so wanted 3 for such a long time but don’t want the eldest 2 to miss out or feel pushed out as a result either? So you and your brother still feel close to your parents? I think I just thought it was never going to happen so didn’t plan in any way for my own reaction! I feel like such an awful person 😞

I do think it’s a completely normal reaction, even when planned and long wanted.

My situation is similar and different at the same time.

I have 3 children from my previous marriage, eldest is 11 and youngest will be 7 this year.

I have been with my current partner for nearly 4 years and he has no children. So we knew we’d like a child together.

I’m 38 (39 by the time baby is born). We ttc for 16 months and suffered several losses along the way which we were both devastated over each time, but even so, having gone through all that, when I found out I was pregnant, and it had stuck, I still had a period of ‘what the f have I done’! I still occasionally have oh sh1t moments where I wonder how we’ll cope! I can’t believe I’m going back to the baby stage again when my youngest is 7.

BUT having said that my children are SO excited. Literally over the moon. My eldest is just going to be an amazing big sister and is just a little mother hen. I’m now far more excited for it all than anxious.

Good luck, and congratulations!

I am only expecting number 2, but like you, this baby was very much wanted... but when I got the positive test, I was like "oh f*, what was I thinking?! I'm not ready!!"
My eldest is 4, so we're quite a way out of nappies, breastfeeding and sleepless nights, which is AMAZING.. but oh my, going back to it doesn't appeal too much!! As such, when people are excited for me, my standard response is "it's great, it's like an impending deadline for no sleep!" It's a bit tongue in cheek, but it's also quite true. Life is pretty easy and settled right now - it's a big change - and all that independence I've got back is about to disappear again!
But I think it's fairly natural to panic about the implications for everyone... on the plus side, your older kids will be at school, so you can enjoy weekday baby time and then at the weekend, really focus on them so they don't feel left out/pushed out. My daughter is starting school in September (just as I'm due) and I figure that will be a massive advantage to me having solo time with baby - and then only having to navigate the weekends with both!

All my babies were planned but had a few days of 'what have we done?!'

I would take a test as randomly was 5 weeks late for my period earlier in the year, def no pregnancy just a weird cycle at my age (38)

Hi OP, no he didn’t feel left out at all He slotted right into our family, and to be honest always being surrounded by older children helped his development massively. We carried on as we would have, with holidays, activities etc and he just went with the flow and ended up being a very relaxed baby/child and is still like that now at 20. He’s especially close to my mum, as when my other brother and I moved out, they got real quality time together. I do honestly think it’s the best of both worlds - he was under our wing as a little one (all our friends used to make a huge fuss of him) and then got one on one time with mum and dad once we were a bit older and always out/left home. Really hope this helps with the nerves!

Thank you so much @Moon12345

I think I am just feeling overwhelmed at the minute but it is so so nice to hear you and your siblings had a positive experience - thank you so much for sharing!

xx

Thank you @Moominmiss that is so nice to hear and our youngest gap would be the same so that really helps.

I’m so sorry for your losses but congratulations on number 4! Xx

Thank you @Temple29 I really appreciate your comments xx