Trying to for a baby but absolutely petrified being pregnant

[aniluap1]

I am 38 turning 39 in March. I married 'late' and we do not have any kids. We have been trying for a year and also seeking professional help. However, the thought of being pregnant petrifies me. I really want a baby and know our lives will change forever and understand all that is involved. But for some reason the thought of actually being pregnant scares the life out of me.

Anyone have any ideas to help calm the wild thoughts. I know it's natural but my mind does not want to believe this.

Please help!

Would it help to break it down into what scares you about being pregnant?

What is it that scares you about it?

Is there a certain thing that scares you?

I'm pregnant and have hated it tbh, but, I'm now 36 weeks and know I will miss it! So it can't have been that bad

@orangejuicer

Would it help to break it down into what scares you about being pregnant?

Just thought of a growing a human. The thought of giving birth.

I absolutely hated pregnancy, I had hyperemesis which didn't help but I hated when the baby moved, I hated the way it felt, I hated the way I felt but I miss it and love ds more than life itself, Im not saying it'll be easy but it's worth it, I can't comment on giving birth as I had a c section but it wasn't that bad.

Pregnancy is scary, OP. It's one of the hardest natural things you can put your body through. It can kill you, though thankfully that's rare in this day and age. It takes a long time to fully recover from and is both physically and emotionally draining.

I think, accept that it's scary. Acknowledge it and share your fear with your partner. Sometimes scary things are still worth doing regardless, but trying to deny what is ultimately a perfectly rational fear is unlikely to help, IMO.

@aniluap1

I am 38 turning 39 in March. I married 'late' and we do not have any kids. We have been trying for a year and also seeking professional help. However, the thought of being pregnant petrifies me. I really want a baby and know our lives will change forever and understand all that is involved. But for some reason the thought of actually being pregnant scares the life out of me.

Anyone have any ideas to help calm the wild thoughts. I know it's natural but my mind does not want to believe this.

Please help!

I think it's the fear of the unknown It's the fear of losing independence It's the fear of relying on peoples being let down It's the fear of letting people down if baby isn't 'perfect' It's the fear of an income- as I will be out of a job.

Why will you be out of a job?
You cam ger maternity leaVe then go back to work with childcare

What does a perfect baby mean ?

@Embracelife

Why will you be out of a job? You cam ger maternity leaVe then go back to work with childcare

I am on a FTC and have been trying to secure a permanent job for 3 years. Perfect being healthy - as I aged 38 and classed as geriatric but look 25.

^I think it's the fear of the unknown
It's the fear of losing independence
It's the fear of relying on peoples being let down
It's the fear of letting people down if baby isn't 'perfect'
It's the fear of an income- as I will be out of a job.^

Apart from the first one, none if this is really pregnancy though, it's general motherhood. And you know what, it's IS scary!
And I know it's really fucking annoying when people say this, but Motherhood is impossible to prepare for - it's absolutely amazing and total rubbish at the same time, but for many (most?) women the good bits far, far, far outweigh the bad.

In my case, my children filled a huge gaping void in my life that I never knew existed.. yep, my kids 'complete me' 😂 but when I found out I was pregnant (planned) I burst into tears because it's really scary!

You need to check the rules for maternity on a ftc.

If your baby has any kind of medical issue or syndrome you would not be "letting anyone down" it just is. It s nature. Plant a packet of seeds some don't grow as they should.

Would you rather have a baby even if they had something different about them?
Every pregnancy is a risk.

Would you you test and abort if xxxxx conditions?

Would you give up for adoption if was born with something which could not be tested for but made them "imperfect" ?

However given your age you have to be prepared for the possibility.

Moreover any baby can have issues at birth or later. The prenatal tests do not cover everything.

Maybe you don't really want a child unless you get guarantees?

Perhaps some counselling sessions would help you explore these anxieties and help.you decide next steps?

Pregnancy itself is just nine months and has a natural end ..you would have time to adjust
Talk to someone about what scares you

(I have an "imperfect " ds... no regrets)

...but you said you "really want a baby".

So like anything you really want it s about taking the leap
Knowing that every step might challenge.

I was like you OP, absolutely petrified. It made me feel physically sick the thought of having to be pregnant for 9 months, the thought of a baby moving inside me, the thought of feeling sick constantly (phobia of sick) - the piles, the birth. Everything.

My pregnancy was great, absolutely no sickness, I got a pile once that was sore for a week but then fine again, baby moving was actually a really warming lovely feeling. As for the birth it wasn’t what we planned, baby’s blood flow took a turn and ended up having IUGR so needed a c section, this was pre-planned as it was noticed on a growth scan and monitored. The c section was calm and relaxing, recovery was sore but no infections or complications. Honestly could have gone better.

My main concern was giving birth as I just couldn’t ever imagine myself doing it either way. I was ready to just adopt I was so scared.

But the moment I got pregnant was like a switch had turned off in my head.. all my worries were literally suddenly gone. I wasn’t scared anymore- more of a nervous excited. Not definitely not scared. It was very surreal going from being petrified to ‘meh what goes in must come out’ overnight.

You’ll be absolutely fine. Hundreds of millions of women give birthday. Millions of those women will have had similar thoughts to you, and they’ve all done it in the end!

The pregnancy is the easy part

I felt the same as you, it’s fear of the unknown I think, have you tried reading some pregnancy books so you know what to expect? I had HG and I was so busy being sick and sleeping I didn’t have time to worry about being pregnant although feeling the baby moving is lovely, I really miss it. Giving birth wasn’t as bad as you’d imagine, it does hurt (obviously!) but once it’s over it’s over.

I am 32 weeks and was petrified of everything, I had such bad anxiety during my first few weeks I referred myself for CBT which was really helpful in addressing most of my fears around giving birth. I'm still nervous but nothing like I was and I've read a couple of helpful books and attended antenatal classes which have helped me feel a bit more in control

I get this. I've had 3 babies but seeing pregnant ladies and big bumps It's kind of lovely but still looks so freaky and weird. And I breastfed all mine but now the thought of a baby attached to my boob seems awful and I can't understand how I did love it so much, but it was awesome being pregnant and breastfeeding.

@aniluap1 I totally get this. This was me all of my life, my main fear was the birth but I wasn’t overly excited about the idea of being pregnant either. Everyone I’d ever met who was pregnant looked so big and uncomfortable and would always complain about back pain, would struggle walking etc. Last year something switched in my brain and I decided I NEEDED a baby. I was never one of those people before! Have always held other people’s babies and thought ‘yeah, cute’ but don’t want one 😂 The problem was to be able to get a baby I was going to have to a) be pregnant and b) somehow get the baby out of me!! I looked up the birth rights website for maternal request c sections and found my local hospital. It showed how many maternal request c sections they had done that year and what their policy was on it. I knew I’d struggle with anything else anyway but the main thing I just knew I would never ever even consider doing was going into labour and having my baby naturally. It was just an absolute no go! So after I’d found out I wouldn’t need to and should be able to get it approved based on my overwhelming phobia and anxiety, we tried for a baby. A few months later I found out I was pregnant and after about 3 seconds of being so relieved and delighted, I instantly started to panic about the entire thing. In my mind I was trying to take it in chunks and just get through the first 12 weeks. You also suddenly get this urge to hope the baby is okay so that kind of distracts you from your own worry for a minute! At 6 weeks I spoke to my midwife for the first time and she must have thought who is this psycho? 😂 I told her about my phobia of birth and how there was just no other possible way of the baby getting out. I think she probably thought I’d forget about it or change my mind so just said we’d deal with that nearer the time but I’d be able to have one. Luckily everything was fine at the 12 week scan. I was sick for a couple of weeks (once per day) but other than that wouldn’t have known I was pregnant, like at all! As soon as I passed the 12 week mark, my panic then started again about getting a section. I spoke to my midwife again about it all at 16 weeks, she again said yip we’ll deal with that at the next appointment. At the next appointment I saw her in person and went into it all again. She was supposed to refer me to a birth reflections service, where they basically try to change your mind and offer counselling etc but I think she could see there was no point! 😂 So I was referred straight to the consultant. I went to my consultant appointment armed with pages of notes on the nice guidelines and birth rights findings. It turned out there was no need, she was very understanding and told me it isn’t her job to tell me I can’t have one. She told me all the risks (which I’d known from years of googling anyway) and I just agreed to them so it’s been approved 😊 Now 9 weeks away from meeting my baby. In terms of the being pregnant part I have found it SUCH an underwhelming experience. Either I’m having the easiest time any pregnant person has ever had or I’ve just met a lot of moany pregnant people in my life 🙈 I’ve found it sooo easy, the worst bit was the being sick for a couple of weeks and it was during lockdown anyway so it was fine! I really haven’t felt pregnant most of the way through. I felt him start to kick around 19 weeks and thought I’d hate that (again because I’ve heard people say it can hurt and feels weird etc) but it doesn’t at all for me. I try not to think about it too much but I think my focus for so long has been on how am I going to get this baby out at the end that I haven’t really been able to worry about it. My back hasn’t hurt once, I sleep so well, I can walk and do everything completely normally, I wonder every day how these people can have had such a bad time when I’ve been this lucky! People at work etc will say ‘aw how you doing?’ as if I have a leg hanging off or something and I’m always like fine? Completely fine? 🤔 I’ve been taking the max pregnacare vitamins which is way more than the vitamins I will ever have got when not pregnant so I think I actually feel better than normal 😂 Every day I wake up expecting it to be the day when it all gets horrific but it still hasn’t yet! So I’d say go for it, I find it a much more weird concept when I see another pregnant person than when it’s me! It really isn’t bad at all 😊😊😊

YANBU to be scared of pregnancy and birth. It can be painful and rubbish. Usually it's alright though or people wouldn't keep doing it.

YABVU for comments about a 'perfect' baby. All babies are perfect. If your baby has a disability you love them and be proud of them just as much as any other mum.

You need to adjust your expectations about a 'perfect' baby, perfect doesn't exist so you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Are you sure you're ready for pregnancy/want a baby? It doesn't sound like it as parenthood does involve sacrifice.

I also had a phobia of childbirth that made me not want children for years and years. I'm now 36 and pregnant, but I've been through tons of therapy for my phobia, so I am going to demand a c-section. You'll get a lot of haters telling you that it's better for both you and the baby to have a natural birth, but if you read the NICE report from 2010 it actually says that there are different but equal risks to both natural and c-section births. This is why women can now elect for a c-section if they want, which is what I will be doing. I know it is right for me, as I would be under too much stress and terror giving birth naturally that it would not be good for either me or the baby and probably bring on a million problems.

@ImmyMc 👏🏼 Me too, I’m 30 weeks and just had mine approved. I was fully ready for the consultant with pages and pages on the nice guidelines etc but I think from what I said she could tell I’d read up on it all and said ‘it’s not my job to tell you you’re not allowed one, you can have one’ 😅 prepared myself for a huge battle and didn’t need to worry! I just said it was due to anxiety and if I couldn’t have it guaranteed I wouldn’t able to relax at all in the last 10 weeks (would lose sleep over it etc and was very anxious). She did give me a very one sided account of the risks though 🤦🏼‍♀️ Luckily I’m well aware that many of the things she said (returning to surgery after birth, losing a lot of blood etc) actually apply to a natural birth a lot of the time! But they make out a natural birth will be easy and the baby will just painlessly glide out 🙄 I made it clear no matter what anyone said, it was the only way this baby was coming out so I think she got the picture 😂 she seems to have given me an earlier date than most people to take my consent form in and give me my date at 33 weeks. I think I asked so many questions about when will I know the date? What if I go early?! So she must have been nice to me and gave me that early 🙈 so relieved though! Hope you get yours easily x