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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Not looking forward to maternity leave

14 replies

Notlongtogo82 · 27/05/2021 19:21

This probably sounds so strange....but I am dreading maternity leave!

I love my job. I have worked so hard to get this job and I enjoy it so much. The last year has been hard (as it has for everyone) and I have been lucky that I survived a redundancy scare.

I should also point out that this baby (No.2 - currently 38 weeks!) Is very much planned and wanted, but I am dreading mat leave.

Last time I struggled being off so much. Really bad post natal anxiety (which was partly ptsd related after a traumatic birth for dd1 who is now 4) I'm worried about losing the skills I have worked hard for and for losing the relationships I have with the team I work with.

If it was up to me I would be back at work after 6 weeks (planned section this time so will need some recovery time) but dh is insisting I need to take longer off, not to mention work have covered my role.

I have been honest at work about how i feel and that I may ask to come back early - I'm only planning 6 months anyway at the moment but I cannot shake this feeling of dreading of starting mat leave in the next few days!

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BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/05/2021 19:25

Can you try and play it by ear, and remind yourself that you have control? It's up to you when you go back to work, not your DH. As long as you can arrange childcare, if you feel ready and happy to go back at 6 weeks, it's your choice.

Just to be clear, though - is it that you would genuinely be happier to be at work, or are you afraid of what you think you might lose if you're not at work? Because if it's the latter, I think there are probably some catastrophising/self-doubting beliefs there you could tackle, and it would be a shame to miss out on your only mat leave with your DC2 because of a fear which may well be unrealistic.

AnonymousXXIX · 27/05/2021 19:59

I feel the same. I love my job and my degrees are definitely not in looking-after-babies so I just feel like I will lose my purpose in life. I think @BuffySummersReportingforSanity makes a good point though. Is there any flexibility? So you can decide how you feel when the time comes to go back/not go back.

I am also really worried they will find a mat cover for me and then I can't go back... but at the same time, I think that if I wanted to I could find some work for myself to do. I don't know how that works with salaries versus mat pay, and what's legal... but I am hoping to just not make too big a deal out of it, and if I want to start working 1-2 days a week again earlier than planned I hope I can sort that out with my team.

I am planning to discuss these concerns with my boss and see what they think about it. Maybe that's something you could do too? I realise you're 38 weeks, but it's never too late, I'm sure.

Original poster

Notlongtogo82 · 27/05/2021 20:30

Glad it's not just me!

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity I think it is a bit of both to be honest. I know that my brain needs the distraction as that's what happened on my last maternity leave, I didn't have anything other than DD to look after and my brain went into over drive!

@AnonymousXXIX I have broached the subject with my boss on returning early and their thoughts, it probably hasn't helped that we're in a really, really busy period and when I suggested maybe I could come back 2 - 3 days a week from home (have wfh since March last year) their answer was I would be more than welcomed back! I have suggested using my KIT days as a start to see so I have the option just in case I feel different when baby is here .

OP posts:

SillyBry · 27/05/2021 20:49

I really think there is this fluffy wonderful myth of maternity leave. I didn’t “hate” my first leave - h it I really struggled with the loss of independence, financial freedom etc. I felt a ridiculous lack of value/worth when not working!
At least this time round, you’re going into it with your eyes open. You know what you’re going into - but I think it’s perfectly acceptable to plan to reassess as you go 😊

AvantGardening · 27/05/2021 20:49

If DH wants a parent at home with the baby he could take parental leave.

sar302 · 27/05/2021 20:58

If you're looking for a compromise, are there any courses you can take whilst off? There's no reason you can't do some studying after you're out do the newborn fog. You can enjoy some time with your child, and upskill at the same time.

I also have a number of friends that also took shared parental leave and went back at 6 months. No reason that you have to stay at home for a year if you don't want to.

Slayduggee · 27/05/2021 20:59

I went back to work after 6 months with DD. I was only getting maternity allowance but I also loved my job. I had an awful traumatic birth and was in a lot of pain physically and mentally for 4 months. It was winter and the weather was shit and DD would just not nap at all during the day so I basically had a grumpy crying baby all day every day. My friends had babies who napped and the watched box sets and posted on Facebook about the lovely time they were having. I loved going back to work as I worked hard for my career and I felt like me again.

Fast forward to DS. Management had now changed and job was now soul destroying. DS was an easy birth and born in Summer and I spent a lot of time outdoors with DD and DS. Lost my job during mat leave and had to find a job and go back to work after 6 months again as coronavirus has screwed up our finances. If that hadn’t been the case I would have ideally taken 9 or possibly 12 months off.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/05/2021 21:00

I do get it. I need a lot of mental and social stimulation and tbh I really struggled on my first mat leave. I often describe myself as a border collie, if I don't have a lot of stimulation and a job to do I start chewing my own paws and tail. (Metaphorically speaking.)

My second was a lot better though. I was more chilled, my baby was more chilled, and critically I had a circle of friends and activities built around my older DC that the baby and I could do. I hope the same ends up being true for you.

Definately · 27/05/2021 23:52

I think second time around you worry about losing yourself again, the first is such a shock to the system, but you've adjusted to becoming a mum and it'll be a lot easier this time. 9 months is ages though so YANBU to go back sooner if you want and using your KIT days seems a good way to test the water.

MGee123 · 28/05/2021 06:35

This definitely resonates with me, so you're not alone! I love my job and it is very much a central part of my life. The pandemic has meant I have hardly done anything but work this past year (NHS) and the prospect of taking time off feels really daunting. I have planned to take 6 months mat leave and am planning to start going back a bit after 5 months using KIT days. My boss is lovely but clearly thinks I'm weird and keeps suggesting we ask the person covering my mat leave to anticipate 8-9 months in post 'in case I change my mind'. I know she means well but it is driving me a bit potty as our baby is booked into nursery and I am definitely coming back as scheduled 😂 I think you just have to do what is right for you, everyone is different after all!

partyatthepalace · 28/05/2021 07:00

See how it goes, if you don’t enjoy being off you can as you say start to head back early / perhaps PT to start. Why don’t you investigate various childcare solutions so you feel in control? (Or do you just have a nanny?)

We have very long maternity leaves in the UK and it just doesn’t suit everyone. In eg the US people go back a lot earlier as standard and come to that in the UK if you run your own business you can be back in weeks (days!).

There’s nothing wrong with it if that’s what you prefer. On the other hand if we have a nice summer you might find yourself enjoying at least those months...

Original poster

Notlongtogo82 · 28/05/2021 07:01

Thank you again for all the replies it really means a lot knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this.

It's definitely a bit of worrying about losing myself as I definitely did that the first time. I wasn't in a great place the last time and am worried it will happen again.

I have a last handover with my manager today so will definitely talk to him again

OP posts:

Firsttimemama2017 · 28/05/2021 07:23

Just to say you may find maternity leave with baby number 2 different as you will be a bit busier looking after your elder child. I didn't enjoy my first maternity leave as was pretty bored but couldn't get childcare to go back earlier. Second time round I took less time off (6 months) but was quite happy and kept myself busy. Just something to think about, see how you get on as it might not be as bad as you think!

headintheproverbial · 28/05/2021 12:31

Mat leave can be a real drag / drudge. Boring, waaaay too much childcare and worst of all, lonely. I did a year each time and was dying to get back to work.

Try to identify what you dislike about it other than missing work itself and then try to plan for that. Second time round I was way better planned to ensure I was seeing people, taking trips to visit family with kids in tow and I also used nursery for my eldest for at least some of the time.

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