DH doesn't want to tell anyone about the baby's sex...

[phanie]

Hello,

I'm really upset with DH at the moment and i am not sure what to do. At our 3 months scan, we were told what sex our baby was, although we didn't ask! it was a mistake and the doctor said she wasn't sure, she hadn't really checked.
so at the 5th month scan we were torn between leaving it as it was or checking. because she had put the idea in our minds, we asked.
And now, DH doesn't want us to tell aynone. I'm really upset, everyone's asking us, my mum and sisters are upset (i'm a very bad liar), and dh and i have had a few arguments over it. He says we'd be spoiling the surprise and he doesn't want to tell until the birth...I hate lying to my friends and family, we're very close so i feel terrible.
i'm tempted to just go ahead and tell my close friends and family...anyone had to face a similar situation?

i wouldn;t tell them , if DH has expressly told you not to

why not tell them you do know, but you are not going to tell as your DH wants to surprise everyone at the birth. and just be firm and they will hopefully stop asking you

you are not lying if you tell them you know, but aren;t going to say

your DHs feelings on this are important, so don;t tell them

he might well change his mind, 20 weeks is a long time to keep it to yourselves

I agree - I think that whoever doesn't want to know the sex or doesn't want to tell others wins. Every time. It's important and also agree that you should just tell people the truth and that you would appreciate them not asking you any more. From an outsider's point of view, it is SO much more exciting being told that it is a girl or boy that has just been born rather than 'Harry has arrived', which is rather ordinary. Just my personal view of course.

hi Lulumama, you're probably right. i did tell a friend that i knew and explained and although she said she'd keep nagging me until i give in, she was cool about it, and i didn't feel bad.

One of my friends knew what she was having, but no-one else did, we all took so much notice of whether she said he/she him/her etc, but she used to change it on purpose just to put us off the scent!
Her dh didnt want to know and as he was the father it was more important for his decision to be honoured than anyone elses!
It was much more exciting when we found out what she had as well.

i like the idea of changing gender when talking about the bab...it will help as it's probalby the most difficult thing not to let slip...

She said it was fun tbh, changing it putting us off the scent, she even bought a girls dress, but it was a boy and we were all, 'OMG, It's a girl', but then she showed us the boys outfit she had bought too, and she said that one was 'just incase' they had got in wrong at the hospital

aren't your family and friends being a bit unreasonable trying to nag you into telling when they know DH doesn't want you to? This is hardly the time to be driving a wedge between the two of you. I'd say keep it quiet if you can but make sure he knows how much pressure you've been put under to tell. Then later when you feel strongly about something to do with your baby and the pressure to do things another way is coming from his family, he owes you one and will have to back you up .

We had a different situation where we knew the sex but the ILs wanted a surprise. We said tough and told them anyway because we knew we'd blurt it out accidentally at some stage and didn't want the stress of trying to keep it secret.

You're not lying. You have a lovely special little secret that you're keeping between the two of you. The whole world will know soon enough. DH might have been dreaming his whole life of making the proud new dad phone call where he say's "It's a boy/girl!!". Don't deprive him of it if you can help it.

I found out with BabyDragon and told no one except the grandparents and my 98yo grandmother who were under strict instructions not to tell anyone else. They were only told as FIL had received a bad prognosis for cancer otherwise I would have told no one.

Make it clear that you won;t tell because your DH does not want anyone to know and you will be very upset if they hassle you about it.

IMHO your loyalty should be to your dh rather than to anyone else. Just tell them the truth about what happened and confirm that you don't want to disclose the expected sex until the baby is born. That's not lying but making your own decision. In any case there is still a small possibility that the hospital was wrong.

The whole nagging thing drove me mad when I was pg. I didn't want to know the sex in advance, and i didn't want anyone else to know. We didn't discuss, or tell names, either.

For me it was about creating a distinction between being pg and excited about 'a baby', and the baby once born, who would then be an independent being and personality.

I really don't know why everyone makes such a bid deal about it - they don't need to know before the baby is born! Your friend is being irritating and rude, if she nags - and your family are being overbearing. IMO.

be firm, enjoy your special knowledge of your unborn baby with your DH and tell everyone else to back off. It is thier behaviour making things difficult - not your DH!

yes - don't deny him the 'proud dad' phonecall!

You don't have to lie to people. Tell them that you know the sex but the DH would prefer to keep the suprise element and that you will honour that desire. If they keep bugging you, tell them that they are upsetting you.

It is a special moment - don't ruin it for your DH. We knew what date DD would be born and everyone knew we had the date but we told them we'd like the suprise element and asked them not to hassle us. To our suprise, everyone was supportive.

I agree - just say no.

Are you doing rude eye-rolling and going "DH doesn't want anyone to know" to them?

Because if you do that, they'll continue to nag.

If you say, calmly, "DH and I have talked about it and decided we don't want to spoil being able to announce the surprise since we had the surprise taken away from us by mistake" surely they'll understand.

But if you're being all shruggy about it with him, I'm not surprised he's cross.

You're not lying to them. They know you know. Stop being so melodramatic, just go "we're not telling, end of" and then ask them what they want for Christmas.

Why on earth would people hassle you about that? I have never asked anyone what the sex of their baby was, I think it's rather rude actually. Various friends have told me but I would never ask.

They may guess anyway if you start to buy things geared towards one sex rather than the other, although I'd always say don't buy a pink pram in case dc2 is a boy!

Your family need to calm down and stop hassling you. Very bad for the pregnancy, tell them that. (It isn't really but no stress is good, they are stressing you).

Agree with everything here - ignore people pressuring you! And you could also think to yourself that you are the one going through the pregnancy and eventual labour, and this is one thing that your DH can really get involved with.

We didn't find out and was told by MIL that we were "making people's lives difficult" by not doing so (she's not at all nasty, just not terribly bright at times) as no-one would be able to buy us anything beforehand. To avoid people passing judgement on names we'd picked, we told a little white lie that we had no thoughts at all and that we were going to decide what we thought when he/she came out. In the end, we had a shortlist of two, I asked DH what he thought DD looked like (actually were convinced it was going to be a boy!) and he ended up picking the name. Again, his contribution to the process.

Stress over something like the sex of your baby is really not helpful and frankly whatever you decide is no-one's business!

Or is it that you want to tell people really and just wish your DH does too?

I hope you come to some agreement.

I say this because with our first, we weren't going to find out, but we did on a third scan. We then told our closest friends if they wanted to know (who don't know the family) and gave JUST our parents the choice to know or not. They were sworn to not tell the great grandparents, and our parents were always going to be good at keeping their word.

This time around, had no plans to find out.
Have told DS from the start it is a suprise, to the point as a 4yr old he gets irritated by people asking what do you want, because he knows it will be a suprise! (I'm actually not keen on people asking him what he prefers, because at the end of the day, it's another person joining the family, so am happy he likes the idea of the surprise!

Anyway, DH was away for work when I had the scan and I found out (not really planned) I told DH, and a couple of times he has slipped up to friends and his mum (but not sure if his mum clocked, but know she wont say anything.) I was a bit frowny with him till I took the time to think, well he know views the baby as what gender it is, where as I think baby (even though we have a name now) and I too like to interchange she/he he/she to confuse other friends. I am all for the surprise element to give our family but it is difficult territory if a slip occurs.

With pressure from friends, go for the it's a surprise, that's what we have done and so far it's been accepted (fortunately not all our friends know each other, so for the 2 who know they can't slip up to anyone!)

I do think if your DH wants the surprise element with telling people, then let him have it especially as it's a first.