Partner smoking whilst I'm pregnant

[hporter10]

Hello everyone,

So, I am 9+6 weeks pregnant. Before finding out I was expecting (I found out at 5+5 weeks) me and my partner both smoked. When we found out I quit instantly but he didn't. After a week or so he quit and started vaping 0mg nicotine stuff away from me just in case it harmed the baby. I was so proud of him and it meant the world that he did it to support me as well as protect our unborn baby.

Skip 3 weeks ahead and he has been going for walks twice a day (he is trying to lose weight) and I noticed the other day he seemed a bit grumpy when I asked if I could go with him.
I was clearing out a cupboard today and found a empty pack of cigarettes and one that was half full.

I am so mad that I just threw them straight away and I haven't spoken to him about it. It all adds up though... the regular walks without me. The fact he doesn't want to talk about quitting smoking.

I understand that quitting would be more difficult for him but I am so angry that he hid it from me.

Am I being unreasonable? How do I approach this with him?

Not unreasonable but try not to be ott.
He should talk to the GP and get some more advice on how best to quit. It can be hard to quit though so go easy on him, praise him for the effort he does make rather than scolding him for having a bit of a relapse. If he's trying to lose weight at the same time that is a double whammy of stress, he needs to find an outlet for that to help him through.

Both DH and I were smokers. I found it so easy to quit when pregnant because my body was changing, I didn't particularly want a cig and the smell wasn't great either. DH really struggled and in the end, he didn't.
It's very difficult to stop smoking unless you really want to (not a decision made for you that you should).
We spoke about it at length at the time and ultimately it's up to them. you can't force people to stop, all you can do is decide if it's a deal-breaker for you

I understand how hard is to stop smoking, but he needs to be honest about it. He can not say he stopped and go behind your back! He might feel ashamed and he does not want to stress you out but it is very disrespectful. Nobody expects him to quit one day to an other, but he needs to talk to you and together you can come up with a plan that will work for him. Explain that is ok to feel this way, and the reason your quitting is successful because you are pregnant and you understand it is different for him. Ask him what would help? He would prefer to just cut it out straight or maybe would be more helpful to limit the nicotine intake? A few cigarettes a day first and slowly drop them? Nicotine mints (that helped to my husband to quit)? There are a lot of different ways to approach this problem but it is all comes back to communication.

YANBU regarding him doing it behind your back.
But he has to want to quit, it’s hard and he might be finding it easier just cutting right down and looking to stop when he feels ready.
But I would probably mention you’ve found them and your aware he’s still smoking, doesn’t need to be an argument but just as long as you both know what’s happening and are on same page to support each other going forward.

Sorry but I am a non smoker and I fail to understand why you should be policing him. If he wants to smoke that is his business as long as he does not smoke in front of you, in your house/car etc.

My husband didn’t quit smoking when I fell pregnant and I didn’t ask him to.
As an ex-smoker, I know only too hard how difficult it is to quit, easy when you’re the one pregnant and feeling your body changing/hormones. But for him he’s a detached part of the process.
Don’t be hard on him and let him be. There are bigger arguments to be had. Recommend that he vape nicotine first and then move to 0mg nic vape after a few months, and he may find that easier.

And don’t be pissed that he hid it, he probably feels sneaky enough as it is. If he really does want to quit, he’s got another good few months to manage it so give him a chance.

he quit and started vaping 0mg nicotine stuff

There lies the problem, he needs nicotine first then wean to the lower % then 0%.

It's mainly because of the hazards of second hand smoke that worries me. We sat down and did our research and even smoke on clothing has the potential to cause harm so we wanted to be extra careful. If he wants to continue smoking then that is up to him as long as he is nowhere near me when he does it. But it's just because he hid it from me and said he would quit to help me quit

@Anordinarymum

Sorry but I am a non smoker and I fail to understand why you should be policing him. If he wants to smoke that is his business as long as he does not smoke in front of you, in your house/car etc.

There’s still an increased risk of SIDS if a parent smokes. Just being held by someone that has smoked exposes a baby to harm. We only have one smoker in our family (not someone close), they don’t get to hold our DD and we won’t go to their home.

I’d be furious about the lying @hporter10, if a baby isn’t a big enough incentive to stop, nothing is.

I did smoke as a teen, early 20’s, but it disgusts me now. There’s so much help for stopping. I couldn’t bring up a child with a smoker.

He should have been honest, of course he should. But I guess it's because he's ashamed of himself. I see that as a bit different from lying because he wanted to deceive you about something.

First of all, congratulations on quitting yourself! That's a great achievement and something to be very proud off!

When I saw your thread title I thought it was going to be about your OH smoking in your presence and I was ready to come in all guns blazing! But it sounds like he does have good intentions but is really struggling, hense sneaking off on his own etc. I'd be inclined to go easy on him to be honest, its very difficult and he might just need more support.