Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

My partner says he’s not ready

24 replies

Alle1991 · 26/05/2021 10:06

Hi, I’m looking for some advice as I’m struggling to find someone to speak to about it. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years, lived together for 2 years, both have good jobs and financial ok. My partner has some debt but it’s under control and will be paid off in a few years. I came off my pill in December which we both agreed and he was well aware that I wasn’t taking it in the past few months. I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant which did come as shock (I just didn’t think it would happen that quick and we only had sex a few times haha). He’s now said he’s not ready for a baby and has asked me to think about having an abortion. We have only known I’m pregnant for 2 days but we have hardly spoken and I’m worried he won’t come round to the idea. I’m not having an abortion and I’ll have this baby by myself if I have too. Has anyone else been in this situation where it’s taken your partners some time to get there head round it? I don’t know if I should try talking to him or give him some more time?

OP posts:

Screwcorona · 26/05/2021 10:11

I'd think he'll most likely come round as he did agree to it in the first place, most likely some cold feet now that it's real.

However it is very unfair and cruel to ask you to abort, especially since this baby is planned. If you want to keep the baby, you need to make him clear that's what you intend to do and suggest he has some thinking to do.

Mrstwiddle · 26/05/2021 10:13

What a selfish man. Tell him to grow up!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2021 10:15

Is seriously be weighing up the partner not the baby. What an asshole OP, he agreed to try for a baby- it’s not as easy as returning a coat.

Viviennemary · 26/05/2021 10:17

I think quite often people do come round to the idea after a shaky start even with a planned baby. Its the shock that things are never going to be the way they are again.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 26/05/2021 10:17

If you’re only 5 weeks along I think you can give him a week or so to just think without talking about it at all. Don’t tell him you’re considering abortion just drop the subject for a while. Then maybe say you’re not going to get an abortion, especially as it was a planned pregnancy, and tell him you appreciate he doesn’t feel ready, but he’s got 8 months to prepare to be a dad, it’s not going to be an instant thing! Hopefully he will get his head around it quickly and you’ll be fine. If he doesn’t you already know you will do it alone and be fine. If he wants to discuss all the reasons he’s not ready and moan that his life is about to be ruined I think it’s reasonable to ask him to find a friend to talk to about that instead of you,

thebestnamehere · 26/05/2021 10:24

Give him time. He'll come round. It's a life changing moment 😉

Chelyanne · 26/05/2021 10:37

He did agree to try/not prevent so he will have to sort himself out, you do right saying no to termination if you want this baby. Give him time as they can find it a bit overwhelming at 1st, could take weeks or months but do hang in there. Be prepared to do it solo but hopefully once it all sinks in for him you can have a nice family unit.

We had our 1st unplanned but we were not the best at prevention at the time either. We'd only been together a year when she was conceived and he did ask me to terminate, I just couldn't so I told him I was having baby with or without him. He did stay, but he did give me a lot of grief throughout the pregnancy whenever we were not on the best terms. I think he found it easy to be detached from it as he was deployed from 14wk to 36wk though, once back and he felt her kicking his attitude changed. He fell in love with her once she was born too, we're now expecting baby number 6. Lots of ups and downs along the way but we're a strong family unit.

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy and relationship.

HuntingoftheSnark · 26/05/2021 10:39

Hi OP, yes, I was in exactly the same position (together eight years, engaged, had moved overseas together). He didn't come round, DD will be 24 this year and I have never regretted it for a second. I knew that I couldn't have a termination despite the many entreaties times force me into it. I see it as his loss.

Moonshine11 · 26/05/2021 10:40

Is selfish of him asking you to abort.
I would give him time, he did agree to try originally so he knew he would happen so he may just be in abit shock.

Original poster

Alle1991 · 26/05/2021 12:44

Thanks everyone. I’m hoping it’s just the shock and he will come round to the idea. I’m trying not to be annoyed with him as I wanted this to be a special moment and he’s ruining it. He wants children but not for another year or so. I think he’s just getting his head round it even though we both knew it could happen at any point from stopping my pill

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2021 13:02

Nothing changes in 1yr op, do not abort on this promise op.

SteveArnottsCodeine · 26/05/2021 13:18

He will come round. We were actively trying and my husband spent the first few days after we found out looking freaked out with our first. The first thing he did was go and do comparisons on all our bills to get costs down it’s a life changing moment.

FeistySheep · 26/05/2021 14:31

The point where he got to choose (unprotected sex) has been and gone. Not his choice anymore! Therefore, as you are not considering abortion, he's going to be a dad whatever happens. The only difference is that he can parent with you in a loving relationship, or be a single parent without you and pay maintenance for 18 years. Has he realised this?
Agree with PP that it's okay to give him a week or so to think about what he wants to do. But don't let him keep you hanging on for months xx

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 14:40

He needs to grow the fuck up. I'd never have an abortion for a man.

I'd just tell him, 'There's not going to be any abortion and I'm pretty hurt and disgusted you even suggested I think about it. But it's a moot point so you get your head round it or we need to talk about our future'

IHaveBrilloHair · 26/05/2021 14:46

My Dd was planned and I still panicked when I saw the lines on the test!
He might be a selfish a-hole, he might just be panicked at the reality like I was.
Give him a few days.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 26/05/2021 14:54

He wants children but not for another year or so.

What a load of shit. I am so sorry he is ruining what should be a happy time for you

I wpuld be quietly weighing up my opinions and deciding what I wanted to do.
If my husband did this I think I would struggle to stay in our marriage unless he did a fairly fast and extreme "omfg what was I thinking can you forgive me???" Volte face.

If he doesn't I wouldn't keep his shitty behaviour a secret and would be openly telling people about the situation and why you split up.

VixFromThe6ix · 26/05/2021 15:00

Wow... I hope he comes around, op!! You may be the lucky to one to get pregnant and stay pregnant but for so many that's not really a choice so terminating a perfectly healthy pregnancy because it's not on someone's schedule is not right.
What if (and God forbid) you're having issues getting pregnant again? This is just such selfish ignorant behaviour.
I'm sorry he's your partner and everyone is bashing him but he sounds like an uninformed child.
Please keep the baby, and think if you wanna also keep the partner. I don't know if I would.
It could have been shock, but you don't throw around the word abortion like it's not the most devastating option for someone who wants to keep the baby. You're adults, you have unprotected sex, you have to face the consequences of your actions.
I'm (again) so so sorry you're going through this. Something that should be the happiest moments of your life have been trained.
For your sake, I hope he comes around... Goodluck and stay strong, mama.

She153 · 26/05/2021 15:20

Do you think it's just the fear of the unknown for him? My partner found www.dadmanual.co.uk a really good guide for new dads and might give him some support?

SillyBry · 26/05/2021 16:15

If it helps, I’m a mum to a 4 year old and when I got a positive test this time around, I was absolutely panicked. This pregnancy was totally planned and wanted, but it doesn’t stop me thinking “holy crap, I’m not ready yet!!!”
I think once you get pregnant, it marks a significant chapter of change in your life, which, even if you want it, it’s scary. I’ve been there before so I know that I’m going to feel tired, emotional, loss of independence through lack of salary and a small baby being totally reliant on me.
Of course it doesn’t mean I don’t want the baby or would consider an abortion, but I am still cautious about what is to come.
It’s very early days and I think it’s important to talk about it... tell him if you have concerns or fears as well. It’s only human to miss the joy of selfish independent living where your money and plans are your own!

I think it’s also important to explain the emotional implications for you for aborting a baby. It’s not as simple as just taking a pill and it ending... there can be longer term emotional ramifications for you. It could be he didn’t really consider beyond the “make it go away” panic!

I think also, as a woman, you feel pregnant from the off to some extent. I think it’s harder for the guy to really bond over the idea until you start having a belly and feeling kicks... it’s more real for them to understand!

Hopefully it’s just a bit of the above. But equally, better to have a tough conversation now and learn that he isn’t ready and you can plan to co parent amicably - or set up how he will support you after the birth if that’s the way it has to be.

Original poster

Alle1991 · 26/05/2021 16:38

Thanks for your message, I can really relate to some of the things you have said. This baby wasn’t planned but also was as we didn’t use contraception for months. I’m also really scared/worried/nervous and all the other feelings that go with it. For some reason he just doesn’t see that at the minute.
I’m going to give it a few more days and let him process some of it and attempt the conversation. Thanks everyone for your words of advice. It’s a really strange situation as I’m not ready to talk about it with my family or friends so it’s nice to be able to open up on here (heart)

OP posts:

Oleson1991 · 19/09/2021 16:07

Hi,

I’m really sorry to hear you’re in this situation - I’m in the exact same one; and could recognise you (and your partner’s) reactions from my own situation. It’s really so hard and upsetting, when you just want to be happy.

Just want to say that I empathise and am going through the exact same thing. Hope all is well with you.

Mymapuddlington · 19/09/2021 16:09

Just sit him down and say you know it’s scary and things will changed but you agreed as a couple to not use contraception. He doesn’t get to try and make a baby then change his mind.
Tell him abortion isn’t an option for you and why did he agree to try for a baby if he feels so strongly about it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/09/2021 16:13

I don’t blame you for not terminating. He could of used condoms if he wasn’t ready.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 19/09/2021 16:57

I know you think it’s just the shock, but it should’ve been a happy surprise. Has he said why he’s not ready yet? Perhaps he would rather have had the debt paid off first or something like that?

It really annoys me that men think that abortion is just like a form of post-coital contraception for cold feet. And just for the sake of another year!

Flip