SEX AFTER SUPRISE BABY :/

[Cbh85]

After our second Son in 2016 we decided after some up and down "do we dont we's" that we called our family of 4 complete. But even so after time went on i would now and again ponder on the tub with a tear in my eyes if i was being true to myself. The notion of never knowing what it would be like to have a little girl..... full of what if's. We adore kids but we had to look at our circumstances and where we were in our life. Years on, heaps of memories and my whole was filled.

Fast forward..... LOCKDOWN! Last year i we found out we were expecting (yep we were careful) it has such a different and over whelming pregnancy. Lonely, a big shock. I lost my job at the start of it all and soon my husband was made redundant. We pulled through. I did struggle at first to accept it, how could we manage.... etc. And i was soooo anxious about the labour. I wasn't my fittest, i was also in the age bracket ita funny how because before i was ready for it both times. This time i was full of fear. I was terrified of labour. And my previous ones were super quick.

Fast forward.... I am wonderfully blessed with a beautiful daughter... my world. I adore her. We both do and the boys.

So whats the problem?? My husband struggled to get his head around Sex when my bump was really showing, he felt it was odd and could relax. I understand... he wasn't so concerned with the boys but it did slow down towards the end. This time it came to a holt at 6 months. I was little moody and grumpy lol.

Since her arrival i just can't bring myself to have Sex. Its been so long and now most of all i am terrified we will have another suprise. Im closer to 40 now and i don't want to continue with the worry of pills etc.... my husband doesn't want the snip he can't get his head around it and i just feel sad that at our stage in married life i didn't envision us having sex like a teenage couple for the rest pf our lives worrying and in fear of forgetting contraception or if we're being careful. Im so worried it will happy again.

Im truly blessed and overwhelmed with our baby girl now 2 months but i really couldn't go through it again.
I have no closeness with my husband. With a newborn its hard anyway. We barely even hug and im worried we'll grow apart physically and get used to this new arrangement of tip toeing around it all.

I dont know what to do. Its just been so long too.

If you don't like the pill or can't take it have you thought about the coil? I had the copper coil (hormonal contraception sends me loopy) fitted in 2019 and it was such a massive weight off my mind!

You've had 3 babies and taken the pill for years. Your husband needs to take a turn messing with his body. He needs to man up and get the snip, ask him why he can't manage this yet you're expected to grow actual humans in your body and birth them?

Bloody men. Wimps.

Absolutely this 👆🏽.
Similar boat OP and a few weeks ago hubby had the snip. What are his reasons for not having it? His body his choice of course however if family is complete ....Good luck.

What’s wrong with condoms?
And you can have closeness without penetrative sex.
It’s not unusual to not feel like sex for months after a babies been born.

Oh god don’t use condoms. There are people who say they work but not reliably enough if you definitely don’t want another.
If you’ve finished having babies he will have to get the snip.
I get pregnant really easily so have been keeping my legs crossed since DD was born 9 months ago as I don’t want another yet

Oh god don’t use condoms. There are people who say they work but not reliably enough if you definitely don’t want another.

There’s nothing wrong with condoms! I’ve been using them for a large part of the last 10 years (and as a sole form of contraception for the last 6 years) and have never had one split or had any issues with them.

Would a copper coil be an option for you OP, if you’re wanting a break from the hormones?

I agree that it’s really your husband’s turn now though.

@HalfTermHalfTerm Absolutely, I used them for 16 years with no issues! And then I got pregnant immediately the one time we didn't use one.

Sex wasn't an issue when i had my 1st and 2nd..... til the end of my pregnancies, it may not have been as frequent lol but we still had our moments.

We suddenly found ourselves pregnant last year and at around 6 months the fun stopped :/
After i went in for the kill i could see my husband just wasn't enjoying he was merely going through the motions. He just didn't find it comfortable and said he found it strange this time. Fair enough. At the time i went into sulky omgosh you think im huge mode. 🙈🙄
Anyway our daughter was born in March!! Its now August and since that very moment at 6 months when it was 'awkward' nothing has happened since. 😬

We've spoken about it, well tried too. Its hard but its left me in a bad place, we've just lost all connection with each other- a foot rub was about it when i was 6months - 9months. We barely kiss now or hug anymore. The longer it goes on the harder it is. With breast feeding is hard because i feel like im just sat in the livingroom most days - nights tv is on we barely exchange words, on our phones or feeding upstairs ready for her bedtime he'll be downstairs squaring up the kitchen, i find im in bed before him.
Our baby has been sleeping through the nights for nearly 2 months and we tried to start at home date nights (movies/video games/cooking....whatever) we've literally just ignored our own goal and missed 4 fridays doing so because we're doing our own think (me bath him crappy tv) we haven't committed once 🙈

Im actually nervous about being intimate and feel daft like i can't get into it. Ive definitely got a wall up. Plus i really dont wanna go back to contraception (im closer to 40 than 30!) Ive done my bit - no more pills for me etc. But Im terrified of getting pregnant again (our 3rd was a blessing/suprise) but he won't consider the snip. I know he loves me - he tells me 🙄

Will things ever change ?? Im feeling so lonely and disconnected from him. Tell me this is normal 😢

This was my fear too. I have opted for the copper coil twice now.

It’s amazing!

First of all congratulations on your little daughter.

Two months is not very long, a lot of people don't want sex for longer than that after having a baby.

If you have a good GP (& you can get an appointment), go and talk to her about contraceptive options. There are many types which, if used carefully, are pretty reliable. I don't what else you can do if neither of you is keen on sterilisation.

In addition to contraception you could buy something to track your ovulation so you would know when to avoid sex. Here's one and there are many others: www.boots.com/boots-ovulation-test-kit-7-tests-10173134?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc--PLAs_HeroCompare--Mother+%26+Baby-_-UK_Brand_Shopping_Mother+%26+Baby+SSC&gclid=CjwKCAjw0qOIBhBhEiwAyvVcfyTGVHvcEwK_hwsb9qTDk703yILjIfGahOVwh7QmCD99_KROtgtENxoCkd4QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Good luck and I hope you and husband are back in the swing of things before long but do remember, you only had a baby two months ago and it takes time for hormones to adjust.

Thanks Maggie.

We stopped any intimacy around 6months into the pregnancy and then she was born march... its now August :/ its not the be all and end all of our relationship but i worry we wont get back on the horse. We've become used to this new routine. Weeks and months pass. I may have to re look into the contraception options.

You'll get there Cbh.