Allocated a male pregnancy counsellor

[ProbablyBeingDaft]

I'm probably being totally unfair and unreasonable but just wondered if anyone had any thoughts...

I've really, really struggled mentally with my unplanned pregnancy. I was referred to the perinatal mental health midwife at my booking in appointment but that was 12 weeks ago and I've heard nothing from her. I've chased it up twice and been told she'll get to me when she can. I'm now 20 weeks along.

I decided to arrange some private counselling instead to try to talk through some of my anxiety/low mood connected to my pregnancy and they counselling organisation have replied to say that one of their counsellors (who I presume is male from the name) will be in touch.

My heart sank a bit. I don't really want to discuss this with a man. Even a highly trained professional. I know that's unfair of me but I just don't want to.

I wouldn't mind a male midwife, doctor, nurse, porter or anyone else medical-related but somehow a counsellor feels different.

I wouldn't mind a male counsellor for pretty much any other reason ie marriage or bereavement, but for pregnancy?

I know I'm probably being unfair, but please be gentle in the replies if possible - I'm obviously not in a good place.

Has anyone got any experience of this or anything similar?

I think for a counsellor to work for you, you need to feel comfortable. It’s about establishing a rapport. If you personally want a female, then that’s up to you. The NHS may not have a woman available, is the only thing, but no harm in asking if there’s anyone else.

Thanks. That's kind of what I'm wondering, if it's going to help I need to feel comfortable. It's a private organisation I'm paying for. I'm just not sure if it's ok to go back and ask for a different person.

To be fair to me, they have a website and I looked carefully at all the profiles and chose someone, clicked through her profile to fill in the details and then it seems like they just allocate you anyone anyway

Sorry I don't have any experience of this, but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all you need to feel comfortable, especially as it is private counselling. If you just get in touch with the organisation and say that due to the reasons behind your counselling you would like a female counsellor I'm sure they can accommodate if they have a female counsellor with availability and expertise in the field you need.

Hope this helps x

But you don’t know it’s a male? Just they have a “male” name.

Find out if it's actually male and if it doesn't work for you, TELL them! Thank you but I prefer a female counsellor.

I've just double checked the name of the website and they are male (the name was Stephen so thought it was likely!)

It feels very unfair of me to reject him for that reason.

@ProbablyBeingDaft

I've just double checked the name of the website and they are male (the name was Stephen so thought it was likely!)

It feels very unfair of me to reject him for that reason.

Why? You don't feel comfortable with it. This is for you. This is about you. You are allowed to have whatever boundaries you like.

If you're paying for something - anything - then you need to happy with it. What you don't want to do is risk the money on a session and not be comfortable.

But FWIW, I would think any professional would be ok, but I do understand where you are coming from.

I would tell them that you want someone else too.

But your feelings are valid. They may well be fantastic, but it's ok for you to feel as you do. This is probably something worth thinking about. Why are your feelings less important than those of a counsellor you've never met? They won't mind, or probably even know.

I'm sure it's not the first time it has come up.

@ProbablyBeingDaft

I've just double checked the name of the website and they are male (the name was Stephen so thought it was likely!)

It feels very unfair of me to reject him for that reason.

Try not to worry about it being unfair to the male counsellor. People choose their counsellor for many different reasons, and if it doesn't work for you, you are absolutely right to find someone who does. They will be used to that, it's part of their job.

It's perfectly fair, counselling is hard work and you need to do what you can to feel as comfortable with it as possible.

You can either give it a shot and see if it goes better than you’re thinking it will; or request a change and ask for someone else.

If the idea of the first feels awful, don’t do it. If the idea of requesting a change straight away feels worse; give it a try. It’ll be easy to switch at any point.

I haven’t got too much experience with therapy but the best person I ever talked to was a man, and I was sure a man wouldn’t be able to relate or help me, as it was medical/female in nature. He was actually great, he’d clearly put a lot of effort into understanding his field as he has no direct experience. But I can understand not wanting to try and just wanting to talk to a woman, too, and that’s okay.

I’m sorry you haven’t heard from the perinatal mental health team, though. I was referred at 6 weeks because of a few bad days, and haven’t heard anything either, but I was hoping that’s because I’m okay now.

I hope the counsellor helps

Honestly it's completely fine to request a female. It happens a lot, nothing wrong with having a preference as to who will make you feel more comfortable. Your paying for the service express to them what you would prefer or just find another local female one.

It's not unfair of you in the least. This is a specifically female experience, and it's completely understandable that you don't want to discuss it with a man.

I've always had female therapists in general because of the traumatic experiences I've had due to my sex. I don't want to discuss those with men.

You are not unreasonable.

Speaks volumes about female socialisation that even at your most vulnerable, you are worried about being “unfair” to the male counsellor, and considering putting your own needs second so that you don’t cause a fuss.

It’s a service you are paying for - get in touch and request a female counsellor. You don’t need to give any reason or justification.

Ok - thanks all for your thoughts. I know you're right! I'll get in touch with them to say.

Of course you're not being unreasonable! You are allowed to have preferences, even if you are a woman. Some women prefer male hairdressers and some men prefer male doctors for intimate examinations. You're paying for the service so have what you want.

@ProbablyBeingDaft

I've just double checked the name of the website and they are male (the name was Stephen so thought it was likely!)

It feels very unfair of me to reject him for that reason.

OP, please don't worry as he will be totally ok with this. I can hand on heart tell you this as I work in counselling pregnant woman, my colleague is male but not Stephen and it happens. Male counsellor won't give it a second thought.