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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner depressed as doesn't want planned baby

24 replies

Swimmerowl · 23/05/2021 18:33

I'm having a really stressful time with my partner. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, we planned it and even looked into IVF if it didn't happen naturally, which it did. My partner and I have been together 8 years and he always said he didn't want kids but would do it if I wanted kids. I worried a lot over the decision for years but eventually I had to admit to him that I did want a baby, I never intended to end the relationship if he then said no, but he agreed & we started trying immediately.
Since I did the positive test, he has become very depressed and regularly tells me about how deeply unhappy he is with this life change and how it's only going to get worse for him. He tells me what makes him unhappy is a routine and living in one place and that is now his future. For months I have discussed other changes with him that could improve his life but he repeats it's the parenting that's the problem and I'm going to have to get used to him being unhappy and getting worse when the baby arrives. He is supportive of me, I have no financial worries and he looks after me when I'm sick, tired or have any other pregnancy side effects. It's the emotional side. He won't come to any scans or look at the photos. He tells me he's done this for me as a childless future for me is much worse than him losing his freedom to travel and move around with his job. I appreciate the selfless decision and I knew he'd never be an excited Dad but I didn't think he'd be this bad. The constant discussions about his misery and hurtful comments are really upsetting and hard to deal with on a day to day basis. I'm trying to be supportive, as are his friends. He refuses to get professional help and his mental state hasn't improved over the last five months.

OP posts:

Willow4987 · 23/05/2021 18:38

This sounds really tough OP

You did know he didn’t want children so I think this has outcome has always been a risk. But dissecting the past and decisions made won’t actually make any difference now. You’re both adults and ultimately made the decision to have a child together

I think in your shoes I’d maybe see if things change after the babys born and if it doesn’t and he was unwilling to seek any help, I think I’d leave. His feelings may turn to resentment and I wouldn’t want my child growing up in an environment like that.

okokok000 · 23/05/2021 18:40

He is setting groundwork for the future. Trying to make you feel indebted to him for this "selfless" act of allowing you to have a child, so that once it arrives he will be justified in doing nothing at all/ be unsupportive (best case scenario). Seriously he will destroy your confidence. You and your child deserve better. Stop worrying about his mental health and look after yourself and what is best for you and your child.

Theunamedcat · 23/05/2021 18:44

You should step away now who wants a lifetime of you ruined my life forcing me to have a child I didnt want who wants to put there child through that

WallaceinAnderland · 23/05/2021 18:50

He's controlling. He's only nice to your on his terms when it's easy for him. The way he is being about the baby is pretty abusive. He says he doesn't want to lose you but his actions don't exactly make for a loving partner. It will be easier for you on your own as he will leave all the childcare to you anyway.

Tetherreached · 23/05/2021 18:51

I agree he is setting the groundwork for something. I think you are either going to end up single or with a partner who goes off and does what he likes while you manage the baby. It was always a risk but it's a bit late now and he shouldn't have agreed to it if he wasn't sure.

I would be having some very blunt and honest conversations to be honest but I would perhaps try not to make any life changing decisions about your relationship now. The baby might be born and he might fall in love. Who knows!

Folklore9074 · 23/05/2021 18:58

So sorry this is happening OP. My take is that this won't work. Ultimately even if he made this 'oh so selfless' decision for you alone, he did make a decision to have a child. And now he is laying the groundwork for not only having no input into the child's welfare, he is actually going to make life harder for you once the baby arrives. In your place I would look at my options to leave, or ask him to leave. If he will provide no support, so you might as well go it alone.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 19:06

Is his behaviour is taking a toll on you now, imagine what it’ll be like when you’ve just given birth or are up all night with a newborn and instead of changing nappies or making you meals he’s belly aching about his fucking feelings.

Do you think it’s fair on the baby you’re having to grow up with a dad who thinks its very existence has brought limits and misery to his life? I don’t.

ArtfulScreamer · 23/05/2021 19:09

Your partner is being really unfair he should've stood his ground about not wanting a child before you got pregnant and let you decide which direction your relationship was to head in at that point. Now you are pregnant I think you need to put your unborn first and consider the viability of continuing this relationship. I think it's likely to be far less damaging to a child to have one loving and involved parent then to live in a house with 2 parents but with one being distant, emotionally unavailable and disinterested.

FayLiv · 23/05/2021 19:24

I'm sorry to hear this OP as it must be really hard emotionally when you most need his support.

The only thing I can say is, be strong as this baby has you as it's mumma and no doubt you will be the most amazing mum.
The other thing is; men process scary things differently sometimes - my partner retreated when we found out I was expecting out first.. he felt too young, wasn't ready, life was going to change, couldn't cope etc etc. He gets very overwhelmed very easily - and that's hard to take but the closer we got to baby and when she was here oh my goodness what a change. He stayed up to do the feeds when I was totally exhausted and needed sleep. The way he looked at her, it just fell into place.

I agree with some of these ladies in the way that it's worrying but realistically it's scary and I do think as women we are stronger! He could well come around and be a great dad but I totally understand the pressure and worry you must be feeling.
Do you have parents you could stay with temporarily? You need support and not the stress. It may make him come around. Men are strange creatures sometimes!!!

LividBlabber · 23/05/2021 19:30

You need to leave him if this doesn’t either change or he gets help.

When you have a baby you won’t have time for this self indulgence from somebody who I supposed to be your partner.

If you can’t parent as a team, and you have to pussyfoot around his hurt feelings, then you need to do what you can to protect yourself and your baby, who deserves better.

Pyewackect · 23/05/2021 20:05

Having kids is one of those things, like marriage, where you've gotta be 100% sure you are doing the right thing. If you are not sure, then you really shouldn't be do it. The thing is you knew he was only doing this just to please you. That's not a willing and conscious decision to embark on parenthood, that's a concession to maintain a relationship. And to my mind that's not enough, not to bring a child into this world. Because he will be the child's father, and that matters. However, you are pregnant and sooner or later junior is gonna make an appearance. Personnally, I would keep talking to him and urge him to seek professional help, for his own peace of mind. Ultimately, he's done right by you so you need to, at least, try and return the favour. This is only my opinion.

OPTIMUMMY · 23/05/2021 20:36

This is awful OP, regardless of how it came about it must be so hard going through this pregnancy with him being like this.

It would be selfless if he threw himself into trying to be the most supportive and best partner and dad possible. It’s not selfless if he is making it a miserable experience for you both and is going to resent this child.
What are the plans for labour? Is he going to be with you with his face of misery then too? Or just not bother and ignore his child?
People have children and still travel and go on adventures with them, it doesn’t need to mean a lifetime of monotony if you both choose not to make it that way.
At the end of the day he chose this and he has to try and get behind it or he will drag you down and it will destroy the relationship over time. I hope he comes round for you OP but if he doesn’t when the wee one is here I think you need to be prepared that you might need to leave him.

Bythemillpond · 23/05/2021 20:57

Get rid now. This is just setting everything up for he can do anything he wants and you can’t say anything because he gave you a baby.

He tells me he's done this for me as a childless future for me is much worse than him losing his freedom to travel and move around with his job

This is total BS. Dh was away 2-3 weeks per month and having 2 children never stopped him travelling for work. Dh’s whole department did the same. They all had young children.
Also why would it stop him moving around with his job?

I think life will be so much easier once you are rid of him.
You know it isn’t going to work long term. Your child is going to pick up on the fact their father doesn’t love them and finds them restrictive.

Leave him to live the life he wants snd you and your baby live the life you want.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/05/2021 21:04

I agree I’d end it now

The self indulgent whining while not taking any positive steps to heal his mental health makes this a non starter. It puts immense pressure on you at a time where you gave enough on your plate.
I’d wish him well, send him out the door and start developing my own routine and support structure. He is unlikely to change, certainly without therapy and he’s not even attempting to so what’s the point of him

WinterSunglasses · 23/05/2021 21:09

@LividBlabber

You need to leave him if this doesn’t either change or he gets help.

When you have a baby you won’t have time for this self indulgence from somebody who I supposed to be your partner.

If you can’t parent as a team, and you have to pussyfoot around his hurt feelings, then you need to do what you can to protect yourself and your baby, who deserves better.

This. Tell him now that you're not going to see him like this day in day out so he gets professional help or you split. Don't keep feeling like you have to just bear with it. Your baby will bring you so much happiness you'll do fine without him.

jelly79 · 23/05/2021 21:36

OP I'm so so sorry :( I went through very similar. I spent months on egg shells wondering if he would accept the planned pregnancy (that he really wanted) it's consuming and it can really ruin what should be a wonderful time for you.

My advice as hard as it will be is to relax and enjoy your pregnancy journey. If he is on board he will find his own way and you. An decide what to do then. Don't try to convince him to do the right thing xx

Peaplant20 · 23/05/2021 21:39

Out of interest how much did you move about/ travel before? Many people still travel with babies, I don’t think having a baby means he can never travel again!

Mumoftwo2021 · 24/05/2021 20:46

As @Peaplant20 said, depending on how much he wants to travel there are ways around it, he just has to see the bigger picture.
For example if it was about moving to a different area, you could home school instead of being enrolled at a state school.
Holidays will still be something you can do, nights away - you can get a baby sitter.
What is it he wants to do that he feels is no longer an option?
Maybe there is a way to find some kind of compromise if he is more straight with you about what he wants xx

MadMadMadamMim · 24/05/2021 20:51

I think I'd end the relationship.

I'd rather be a single mum (and have been) then have a joyless prick dragging me down and blaming me for all their woes.

Verbena87 · 24/05/2021 20:54

By refusing to get help he is choosing to

stay miserable, demonstrating a lack of self-respect which is not what to model to a child
continue to behave in a way that erodes your confidence and wellbeing

Of course he is allowed to feel whatever feelings he has, but he’s an adult and he can choose how to respond to them, and how to behave, and those choices (and their consequences) are his responsibility.

katy1213 · 24/05/2021 21:35

You're not innocent in this - he told you he didn't want children, you just thought it would somehow magically work out okay? Neither of you seem to have had much consideration for the child of a reluctant father and now, very likely, a single mother.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/05/2021 21:38

Friend’s DH was like this and changed completely once their baby was born.
If he stays like this when the baby is here OP, that isn’t fair on the baby or on you.

newtolineofduty · 24/05/2021 21:51

This is so sad OP, how difficult for you. Would you be willing to go it alone? It's so awful that he's continuing to spill his emotions in this way-what the actual fuck does he expect you to do now!? I think you need to prioritise you and your baby and do what's best for you x

shivawn · 25/05/2021 11:25

He tells me what makes him unhappy is a routine and living in one place and that is now his future.

How likely would you have been to move to a new place if you weren't having a child? For what it's worth, I moved plenty of times as a kid. He needs to grow up a bit honestly, none of us know what the future holds but he's choosing to believe the worst. Hopefully he will change when the baby arrives.

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