DH and I can't decide on a third baby - how do you make this decision?!

[alfiekipper]

How did you know that 2 kids was enough for you? Or that actually 3 kids was the right size for your family?

We are lucky to have two kids (almost 3 and almost 1). DH and I are getting on a bit (both 36yrs) and we just can't decide, some days we're up for it, some days less so.

My issues is:
I have a fear that our luck will have run out (both my pregnancies were straightforward and babies have been healthy). I have been incredibly lucky to have never miscarried, and we have conceived on the first go each time. I had some anxiety with both pregnancies and I think a third could tip it - I don't think I have the mental strength if something went wrong.

DH's issue is:
He finds the labours quite traumatic, basically seeing me in pain and not being able to do much (both labours were really long). We were talking about them the other day and I could visibly see that he hasn't made with peace with the process.

Two questions:
Can you afford a third baby?
Why would you want to put one child in the position of being the ‘one in the middle’?

I’d say if you can’t decide the answer is no. Enjoy the two you have

Can you afford it?
Do you have the space for another?

Honestly though If I felt my mental health was precarious and at risk of deteriorating due to the introduction of third child I would be putting my existing children first and wouldn’t even think about it.

We do have the space, money, time etc. and I can't ever imagine ever treating any of our children as "the one in the middle".

It's more the pregnancy and birth process - I don't think I could deal with miscarriage (which I have a fear that I am somehow "due" one). And my partner finds watching me in labour a little traumatic. But we do like the idea of a third it's those hurdles that are putting us off at the moment, but we also feel we don't have time on outside to take time over the decision.

For me it's not just about the cost, although personally I wouldn't have more children if we had to reduce the lifestyle my existing ones have, but it's about the time each child should be given, and you already have 2 young children , adding a 3rd into the mix reduces that time even more which I don't think is fair. I always feel a good gap is 4 years so each child gets that 1 on 1 time with their parents and when they start school you can add another into the mix without disadvantaging the existing children.
But that is just my personal opinion and I don't judge anyone else who does things differently.
Having children is a selfish act (no judgement I have 2) but I did what I though was best to make it as least selfish for the children as I could. Ie not taking away time and resources when they were young, or not being able to afford to help them in later life, house deposit uni etc... by having more.
Best of luck with your decision

Sorry op cross post, if it's the labour that worrying you I have sympathy as you never know what could happen so it is a risk, I guess you have to decide is the risk worth the potential outcome? How would you cope if you had a child with special needs disability? What is there was a problem during labour, does the benefits outweigh the risk for you?

I feel the same way as you, OP, but my children are a little older (so bigger gap) and I'm 35.
Whilst I want another, I am leaning towards no. I love that our kids are close in age and are friends, (still fight), but mostly it's my mental health. I suffered with anxiety and am worried it would push me over the edge with simply the lack of sleep, let alone if there are actually any problems. I'd rather be certain I'll stay happy and give the love to the ones I have.

In saying that it is so hard to stop having babies!

I love having 3 so much I'm having my 4th! I'm 39 now.

If you can afford it and have the space go for it! It's lovely having 3 x

My reasons to not:
No middle child
Everyone fits easily in one car
Family tickets for most places are 2 adults + 2 children
We have replaced ourselves population wise which seems enough
Nursery fees
No children have to share a bedroom. We have one of each sex. If we had a third then one of the older two would have to share a bedroom depending on the sex of the third. Seems very unfair
Not in the position of being always outnumbered

All of those were stronger than any desire for a #3 in my case!

If you can't decide, I think it's a no.

I know a lot of people who were 1 of 3 and one child always seems to have felt emotionally neglected. And I also know some families where due to redundancy or divorce, resources and time were incredibly stretched to the point the children had very unhappy childhoods. Modern life is stressful and fast paced, unlike the past, and I think it is very hard to give all 3 children equal amounts of time and attention - or even financial support.

The question to ask is - if either you or your husband lost a job, or went through illness or divorce, or had a third child with special needs would you still be able to look after 3 children? Because while you can't predict the future, there is a difference in raising 2 kids under tough circumstances vs 3. And if the answer is yes, then you consider the implications of birth/labour and what happens to the other 2 children if you did have a traumatic birth or PND? It is a lot of risk when you already have a happy family unit, but only you can decide whether you want to take it.

If there is any doubt, and you both have doubts, why would you go ahead?

Have a care for the environment and other species. Two is plenty on a planet teeming with 7 billion humans while many worthy animals, birds, insects, plants and marine life are dying off in droves.

Unlike you I had two really difficult pregnancies involving lots of hospital admissions. We always said that we only wanted two but might have changed our minds if I'd had straightforward pregnancies. As it was, I absolutely knew I could never risk doing all that again without seriously impacting on my mental health. Dh had a vasectomy when dc2 was a year old and we have never regretted it.

You sound as though you want a third, and can manage it, it's just the birth that's the issue. How will you feel in 10 years time if you never had the third? Will you regret it?

How about, both of you "decide" the answer is no for the time being?
See how you feel about that "decision" in say two weeks time, or even 1 month's time?
Chances are, you will either both think, ok, I can live with that, or are like "I cant wait for the two weeks to be up to discuss this again"!
That is what I would do, rather than going around and around in circles.

Two arms, two knees is perfect for two children. Theme parks, swimming, airports etc when they are little is easier with a child for each adult. You'll find your invitations dropped quickly once you have a third. Family members with two always seem much less stressed then those with three.

I’m 39 and currently 17 weeks pregnant. My other 2 kids are 8 and 6. It pretty much took us 6 years to decide on #3, and I’m lucky we were able to conceive easily. It was a tough choice. For us, 2 kids was a given but 3 was something we really had to think about. I guess we went for it, because it was something I thought of every single day. My entire extended family consists of 2 other people, and I just wanted 1 more. Our house is small, but we do have 4 bedrooms, so no one will share. We are also very comfortable financially. If these 2 things were different we might not have give ahead.

I had three. I would only do it i had the money. And both had the time and inclination to be hands on. It’s a team effort daily to take them all the places they need to be, do bed time etc.

I love that they are a little gang.

I had a section for the last two. Much better for us a a family. Less stress and trauma and lovely and civilized. Obviously this is a personal choice but if the Labour is the main thing holding you back it’s something to consider.

@Horehound

If you can't decide, I think it's a no.

Exactly this.

From your OP you don't sound like either of you truly want to go through it all again.

It's great being in a group of siblings. I love things like, me and my sister can plan a birthday celebration for our brother together. Or, if one of us was having a hard time, they'd have 2 siblings to support them, and those siblings can also support each other through it too.

I am the middle child and I don't see any problem with being the middle one? Can anyone enlighten me?

There is always a risk that any future pregnancies will not be straightforward, and it is just about weighing up how much you want another child against that risk. I am currently 27 weeks pregnant in my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy was extremely traumatic and I gave birth at 20 weeks after my baby’s heart stopped beating. Having been through that has meant this pregnancy has been extremely difficult aswell, and so for me, if this baby arrives safe and well, my current thought is that I don’t think I would ever want another child so much that it would override the risks and the impact for me of going through another pregnancy to get there. But lots of people of course do have big families so it is a personal decision to take weighing up the benefits and risks, sorry I realise that probably isn’t much help!

I'm pregnant with my third and the birth was stressing ne out to the point I almost didn't want to get pregnant. But in the end I decided its just one day and for the benefits which last much longer, its probably worth it. I have also been doing more prep and don't feel as anxious about it any more. I'm still not looking forward to it, but not super worried.

Part of me would love 3 but we’ve decided on 3 because

• while we could afford it we’d be stretched tight

-the impact on my career of another maternity leave and trying to balance 3 children and a job -the impact on mine and DHs relationship of even less time together and more pressure -I had a very difficult and dangerous first pregnancy and we’ve been lucky enough to have 2 healthy children and I don’t want to push our luck

Make sure its what you both want.

I wanted 3, really struggled to process that dh was unsure he was happy with 2. He agreed to third but i know it was reluctant. I think this impacted on me because when i got to 7wks the fatigue and sickness started and i had instant regret, like wha have i done to our family. I never expected to feel that way. Dh wS brilliant but i think having a partner who was on the fence he couldnt support me fully because i was feeding into his already exisiting worries and concerns. This feeling didnt leave until about 16 weeks.

Im.now 20, sickness is less found out sex and both excited and happy. Yes 3 will be alot but 2 is as well.

Sorry but your DH finding seeing you in Labour difficult is not a reason I’d be considering! It’s truly not about his feelings to seeing you in labour but you being the one to experience labour and if you’re ok with it and him getting himself together and being a support. His feelings towards it would be pretty insignificant to me. It’s a tiny proportion of pregnancy and being a father for years to come.
I’m about to have a third, always wanted 3. We both come from tiny families so I don’t feel too bad re. environmental impact. I’m veggie too so already doing a lot for the environment. We can fit all 3 (through very narrow booster seats then baby seat) in back of car. Holidays- rarely stay in hotel with kids anyway, always book villas and can easily adapt to fit another kid in. Our friends will definitely still be asking us to stay/ round & we’ve already got loads of invites! So Overdueanamechange find this claim really bizarre.

I struggled with this myself so badly. I'm from a family of 3 (middle child and am with @ChikiTIKI, what are you supposed to feel as a middle child?! I have no complaints and love having both an older and younger brother!) My DH is also one of 3 so it was always in our plans to have three.
When it came to making the decision though it was a different story. There was a long time where we didn't feel we could cope with another and our situation meant that we just weren't ready. However, that changed for us when our first two were 7 and 5, life started getting easier and it just felt like the natural progression. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of doubts (the bigger age gap, my age being 37 at the time, feeling like we wouldn't fit in with the standard family of 4 anymore, feeling like we couldn't be lucky enough to have three perfect children so maybe we should just stick to the two we've got.) But at the end of the day, I knew in my heart I'd always imagined our family with three children and it felt like someone was missing.
In the end it took 2.5 years of unexplained secondary infertility and I am now 39 (soon to be 40) and 9 weeks pregnant with my third. And despite all my worries and the fact I am now an even older mum and the age gap is even bigger I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so excited to see how this little one will fit into our lives and just hoping and praying that I have a healthy pregnancy and we get to meet him or her.
I guess what I am saying @alfiekipper is that I'm sure you know deep down whether or not it is something you and your DH are willing to go through to get to the end goal. But if you don't feel ready, as we didn't, you do still have time on your side, I've come to learn that 36 isn't old so maybe give yourselves a bit of time, let the age gap get a bit wider and maybe you'll come to your decision more naturally x