Telling friends who have struggled with TTC that I’m pregnant

[PurpleBananaSmoothie]

Please can you help me with the wording to my two friends who have been TTC for a while that I’m pregnant?

Friend 1 - has been TTC for years, even before I knew her. Not eligible for IVF.
Friend 2 - had just started TTC the last time I saw her in person which was just before the pandemic kicked off. It’s not the conversation we tend to have over WhatsApp so I’m not sure if she paused TTC due to covid, has not had a pregnancy or has had losses. She hasn’t announced anything. Either way, I imagine it will still be upsetting.

These two friends are in the same group too. I haven’t shared my TTC plans with either of them, so this be may be shock to them.

So I know from reading other threads that most women prefer the option of a message without the pressure to respond. We have a shared WhatsApp group but I will send an individual message to each of them separately. So far I have:

“Hi, hope you’re ok. I wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. I know it will be upsetting and I’m not expecting you to respond. I’ve let (other friend) know too, so it isn’t a secret. I won’t be doing a FB announcement so you don’t need to avoid FB for the next few days. Hope to catch up soon.”

It feels a bit blunt but I’m not sure skirting around the issue and waffling is better? Please tweak the wording to what would be easier for you to read.

Also, how long would you give it before contacting them in the shared group again? Obviously, not gushing to them about my pregnancy but just generally catching up and how they are.

I'm the "friend" in this circumstance so first of all massive congratulations!!

I would put something along the lines of ...

Hi hope you are ok! Just wanted to share some news and let you know that I'm pregnant, I'm due x month .... I know it might come as a bit of a surprise, a happy one I hope though. I totally understand if you want some time, look forward to catching up soon xx ps. Friend knows

Do you know it will be upsetting? E.g. have they told you they have been upset by other friends sharing news? I think different people react differently and although you are right to be sensitive and to share news privately I personally wouldn’t present this as you knowing how they feel unless you are really sure that you do.

If they have told you that before, then feel free to ignore me. But if they haven’t I would probably make some changes to reflect the fact that it might be (not will be) upsetting, you are just telling people individually not in groups or on social media (rather than saying they “don’t have to avoid Facebook”), and then yes say no need to reply or similar.

I'd also put something in the group chat the next day or day after and just be totally normal, this is an exciting time for you 😊 chat will naturally gravitate towards you and baby x

toffeeapple friend 1 will definitely find it upsetting. Friend 2 has expressed a slight melancholy I guess when people have announced their pregnancy and she wasn’t in a position to TTC. I’ve haven’t seen her in person since she began TTC so I don’t know how well she’s doing with pregnancy announcements.

Thanks user would the “happy surprise I hope” not rub you the wrong way? I know I’m massively overthinking this but I don’t want to upset either of them any more than I have to.

Massive congratulations!
I have been the friend that has been TTC for nearly ten years and many friends conceived during this time. I would personally much prefer a group announcement then a "oh this might be upsetting for you" kind of message as I would feel singled out and I suppose somehow my feelings would be preempted and I wouldn't like that. However, if you know for sure that they'd become upset, then that's a different story.
I've always been very happy for all my friends and while I may have a moment of "Aw man, I wish this was me, I'm a bit upset" and indulge in that feeling for a minute, I never got the whole avoiding friends/avoiding FB thing personally because others share their happy news. People are very different I suppose but it's lovely you're thinking about it.

I’ve been on both sides of this situation.
A text is definitely the way to go, but I wouldn’t lead with “I know this will be upsetting”, it just starts your news off in a negative way. Personally I would prefer you to announce it as you would any other person. (Maybe avoid scan pics with the first text). Hearing pregnancy news when TTC is still happy news, you are just sad for yourself. I’ve since got pregnant myself and my best friend has very much been struggling TTC/failed IVFs etc so I was worried about how to go about telling her. I’m careful not to bombard her with details and pictures but she always asks regardless. When I was struggling TTC, my other friend got pregnant and I was elated for her but still sad and jealous myself. I still wanted to know every detail of her pregnancy and not be tiptoed around. Try not to overthink it OP, congratulations 😊

Please don’t say “I know this will be upsetting”
I also wouldn’t single them out.

Make them some of the 1st you tell after family. No point trying to soften any impact it'll have on them, they may take a bit of time to react or they may express happiness for you straight away.

We suffered a mc in July and I struggled with others announcing pregnancies while I was grieving the loss (been the same with previous losses too), 5 months later we got bfp with this one. My SIL has been ttc for a couple of years but had lots of issues so no pregnancies as yet. This is our 6th so I was worried about telling her about baby after the dating scan knowing just how hard it can be to take from my own experiences. I sent her a message explaining that she was our little rainbow and she took it really well, tbh she was overexcited which I found a bit much but she did calm down.
I remember telling my friend who had lots of losses about our 1st. She was asking about my cousins pregnancy so I just dropped it in that ours was due in X month. Her most recent loss would have been due a couple of weeks before our eldest too but she was lovely about it. They gave up ttc after more losses, decided that IVF and adoption were not for them.

As others have said, please don't mention it being upsetting. I preferred a straight to the point text and then the ball was in my court, I could send a quick congratulations back and then give myself some space. I found I wasn't jealous etc just super sad that it wasn't myself pregnant and needed the space to process my feelings.

Congratulations.

Interesting that a group text might be easier to handle.

How about “hi, hope you’re both well. I just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant and due at the end of the year. Hope to catch up soon!”? I don’t need to add anything else?

I won’t send a scan photo anyway, I’ve only shared a scan photo with our parents and I don’t see that changing to be honest. I think the only people genuinely interested in seeing our scan photo is our parents and maybe my grandma!

After a miscarriage I actuallyfound solace in learning about my friends pregnancies and thought along the lines of "at least she is luckier, hope her pregnancy goes to term". But even if my journey had led me to a place where I felt upset about other people's happy news, I would not appreciate the all-knowing "it must be upsetting for you". Just announce your pregnancy in a simple manner, expecting neither ruptures nor grief on their part, and you're good.

Your new message is absolutely fine. I’m also the friend in this situation. Don’t say it will be upsetting. Saying you hope it will be a “happy surprise” is even worse.

Short and factual is much better. If you can, don’t send it by WhatsApp or a text that informs you when the message has been read. There’s a real pressure to respond when you know someone has seen you’ve read the message.

I know it will be upsetting

Do NOT write that. I'd have found that a bit presumptuous and/or smug.

Your second message is far better

I have been the friend in this situation and I’ve also had to subsequently tell friends who were ttc that I’ve finally managed to.

It’s never easy but I think stick up facts and tell them both in the group. Also don’t assume they are upset

One of my friends said she didn’t want it to seem like a kick in the teeth for me (??) I found that weird but she meant well, I know she did
But had she told me on another day when I was having a down day I could have felt differently!

Congratulations btw xx

@PurpleBananaSmoothie

I have also been that friend who was trying to conceive, then did IVF etc. I think I would appreciate just being part of the general announcement rather than a special message. I was always really happy that my friends got pregnant, because I knew it was something they really wanted, too.

Firstly congrats. I’m someone that struggles with infertility and in my group I’d prefer a group message just to say hi guys I’m pregnant or something similar. A personal message is a kick in the teeth for me and atleast if it’s a group one I could say congrats and then back off. Whereas the personal one you’d have to reply and it could upset someone more. Also please don’t include I know it will upset you that’s just asking for an awkward conversation.

Thanks all.

If you can, don’t send it by WhatsApp or a text that informs you when the message has been read. There’s a real pressure to respond when you know someone has seen you’ve read the message.

I think that’s why in my original message I felt I should put the no need to respond. I turned my read receipts off on WhatsApp ages ago but I do still get the little blue tick in group conversations. A quick google, it looks like I can’t turn those off in group chats (which means I can’t ignore some other group chats like I thought I could). I don’t ever check the read receipts in group chats but obviously nobody else knows that. Didn’t even know I could until just now. I can either send an individual message with no read receipt or a group message which has the read receipts on.

Saying “no pressure to respond” doesn’t take away the pressure to respond and is similar to “I know you’ll find this upsetting”. Just go for a regular WhatsApp message and don’t faff about with the read receipts if you don’t want to send a text.

I think an individual or private message is nice. A male colleague (who I'd spoke to about my mcs as his wife had also had a few) sent me one.

I was crying when I read it because he had worded it so nicely. I appreciated that he sent it to me before I found out in a group situation at work as it let me prepare myself

Thanks all.

I’ll send the simpler, second text later this evening.

I woudn't say anything like "I know it will be upsetting" or assume you know how they will feel.

Me and my DH have been having problems TTC and are going for fertility treatment. My best friend became pregnant during that time and I couldn't be happier for her, I am absolutely over the moon.

It doesn't meant that my journey hasn't been difficult, but I wouldn't have wanted her to assume that I would be upset at what is actually very, very happy news!

I'm not quite sure the best way to tell your friends but just don't assume you know how they will feel/ react.

If I were you, I'd offer to follow up with a face-to-face coffee if possible. You can say that you're happy and excited to share the news with them but you know it may bring up some feelings for them, and if they ever want to talk about anything like that, you'd love to catch up with them. That way you're not assuming that it's all negative, you're just acknowledging that their personal journeys have been tough. Sometimes people just want to be considered, but I agree it's hard to know how best to approach it lest you accidentally cause offence.

I'd appreciate an open invitation to talk, even if I didn't want or need to take you up on it. It's really kind and compassionate that you're considering it so carefully.