Becoming a mum without a mum

[anon5678]

My partner and I are ttc (had a miscarriage and chemical already) and I don't have any parents in my life. I lost my mum to addiction to when I was 10 and I'm now 32.
I'm worried that when it does happen I'm going to struggle without my mum around. It's been a long time without her but it doesn't change how much you look for a mother figure, and then with becoming a mother I am worried I am going to get overwhelmed without that presence in my life.
My MiL is nice but of course she is my MiL so it's not a super close relationship. I have great friends and OH is wonderful but I don't know how much that can compare and I am scared that It's going to effect me. I see so many pregnancy blogs and even friends/colleagues who all had their mums around (even just on the phone during COVID) and it makes me so sad knowing I won't have that. There's nothing I can do about it, I guess I'm just looking to see if any of you ladies have experienced being a first time mum without your mum and how did you cope?

Hey @anon5678,

First of all, I am sorry that you are feeling this way and of course for your loss

My mum past when I was 18 and I now have an 11-month old boy. There are days where you think of those special moments and all of the things she hasn't witnessed (scans, birth, milestones etc), however, your strength as a parent is so powerful and you get through everything that comes your way.

Your partner will help you in so many ways and be that shoulder to cry on when things get tough or you feel lost. Grab support from your loved ones with both hands and celebrate the beautiful life of your little one, when the time comes.

We have had nobody around us due to locations and it's crazy how you cope when you put your mind to it.

Be brave, be strong and be you

Sending you lots of baby dust and your mum will be so proud of who you are and who you are about to become x

Hey, congrats on your pregnancy:)

I don't have a relationship with my mum because she was abusive. I'm now pregnant with my second.

I'm just happy I've got my kids and am creating my own family. I'm sure it would be amazing to have family love and support, but ultimately you figure it out on your own anyway, and you and OH can support each other.

I see it as a bigger gift to be able to have kids than a loss that I don't have family around. (I'm sure that you see it as a gift too, just saying I've found that helpful as a mindframe.)

This is your time to become the mother you want to be. Lots of women have babies without a mother in their lives and it's not impossible! Good luck 💖

*Ah I'm so sorry I misread. Good luck on TTC xx

My mum died about 4 years before I got pregnant.

I was living 200 miles from my old home anyway so I suppose I didn't actively miss the day-to-day practical help someone else might have had. It was mostly the regret that she wouldn't get to enjoy her grandchildren (one of the first things MiL said to new baby was "oh, she would have loved you...").

As with everything else, you have to get your advice and chat and cheerleading from other sources, and put up with the fact that they're not as invested in it as you are. It's not great, but it's ok.

I do think I grew closer to MiL once the boys came along, which might not have happened if my mum had been around (would have asked mum rather than MiL to stay when S2 was born, for example). Of course the success of this will depend on your in-laws - mine were great (FiL gave up smoking while I was pregnant, they respected my views on smacking and extended breastfeeding and weaning without added sugar, and bought magazines rather than sweets).

It can be done. You can do it.

Boys are 21 and 18 now, and talk quite matter-of-factly about their other grandmother who died before they were born, which I find quite weird (and makes me wonder whether I used to make my mum feel bad talking about my dead grandad...)

My mother died before I had my first, and my MIL lived away from us.
I just got on with it.

I’m not in your position but my own mother was. She lost her biological mum when she was a baby and her dad in her late 20s, just before she had me. It was really hard for her BUT she is the most amazing mum (having never had a real mother figure in her life!) and we are an extremely close family as a result. You can do this! Good luck ❤️

I don't have a mother in my life either op (estranged due to childhood abuse issues) and I can promise you I'm completely fine as a mum now and I absolutely love motherhood. It's a joy and a blessing. I've got a toddler who is an angel and his dad and I are going to try for another soon. I couldn't be happier. You'll be brilliant