8 months pregnant and feeling hopeless

[Justcallmebabs]

I am 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child and feel like things in my marriage are not going well. We have a beautiful little boy and have a lovely house, good jobs etc but my husband has changed over the years and I don’t find him particularly kind anymore. I am wondering how to resolves some of our issues.

When I was pregnant with my son he experienced some health issues which he has recovered from and also he has started to experience some MH issues which he is medicating for. During the week things are ok, we are busy as both work FT. and have just moved into our home. But at weekends he lapses into Peter Pan mode, deciding that he wants ‘me time’ which involves staying up to 12-1am. I have to sometimes order and force him to bed which is totally pathetic and I hate to do but if I don’t the following day is a write off as he is too tired to do anything and it is left to me to sort our son while he will nap in the afternoon. We inevitably fight and it makes the atmosphere terrible. We have both been working hard with the house recently and I do appreciate he has been having to do a lot of manual work but recently took real umbrage to him telling our friends ‘he was having to do everything’ when I was there sometime until 11pm at night painting at 7 months pregnant. Friends and family are all telling me I need to rest more but I have to get up with our son as he can’t/won’t. I am becoming increasingly resentful of the situation.

I have tried to talk to him which was a disaster. He initially blamed my hormones and claimed I had MH issues myself (I consider my MH quite robust but obviously feel vulnerable at the moment). Essentially he told me I was abusive to him and claimed he writes down all the dreadful things I allegedly say (which he makes up/paraphrases/completely gets wrong). We are in such an unhealthy place and expecting a baby, I dread what our relationship will be like after. I have suggested that we having counselling, he won’t. He feels we are absolutely fine, totally burying his head in the sand. If I try to tell him anything he just S says ‘that’s your opinion’ as if somehow that means it’s not valid. I feel quite trapped as very few people know what is happening in our relationship, it would be a totally shock if I was tell family. I have suggested I stay someone else with our son for a few days but he is refusing to let me take him, and I’m not sure where I stand on this.

Writing it down, it looks awful but we do have some good times. I just wish I could get the person I married back.

It is hard to know from just what you have written but I don't really think one adult should be telling another what time they should go to bed. I am usually up until midnight sand often my husband goes to bed before me. Maybe it would be better to have plans for the next day so that he has to decide how much sleep he needs. We all need to be ready to leave house at 11am for this reason. Please be up by x time so we are not late. Has lick down manage this worse as nothing to do at weekends? Maybe you could use his late nights to your advantage when baby comes by going to bed early and suggesting he covers evening feeds until after 1am and then you take over.

I know what you are saying, I hate feeling like have to resort to it. I feel like a controlling cow. But if his ‘me time’ means I am up with our son by default, it just feels totally unfair. Especially now, at this stage when I am having pretty awful nights sleep. He has no insight into what tiredness does to his personality and his interactions with us. Previously I have had to go through with commitments without because he hasn’t been able to get out of bed. This morning he was still there at 9:15, despite needing to be at work for 9 (he doesn’t WFH). No doubt telling his co-workers he had to help me, when actually I’d been up with our sons from 7

Sorry you’re going through this.

Could you try couples counselling?

Also I don’t think you’re wrong to tell him off for staying up late if it means he gets lie ins and expects you to pick up all the childcare and housework as he’s too tired. It’s irresponsible of him.

I agree it's irresponsible of him to stay up late if he can't do anything the next day and I understand why you would feel the need to tell him to go to bed.

I am a similar stage in pregnancy to you and I'm also feeling my husband is not stepping up at the moment.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it must be incredibly tough. The way he’s acting is unreasonable and childish. Yes an adult shouldn’t have to tell another adult when to go to bed but if he’s not getting up in the morning, he’s a bit like a teenager.

I went through a bit of a rough phase with my husband after the birth of my daughter. He in no way acted like your husband but he did have outbursts and refused to listen to me. I was seeing a counsellor at the time for pnd and she suggested altering how I phrase things to him so it’s less accusatory as he was just going on the defensive. So instead of me saying ‘you leave me to do all the cooking and I’m sick of it’ something like ‘I feel like all of the cooking is falling on me’ or ‘I get frustrated when it feels like all of the cooking is falling on me, what can we do about it’ - could maybe that be an option?

As for your husband just saying well that’s your opinion and not agreeing with you. I think you could stand firm here and say, yes it is my opinion, I am unhappy and I am 50% of the marriage and I would like to do something about it. I do think couples counselling would really benefit you both, might help you understand each other more and empathise. But it’s getting him there, could you just ask him to do it for you, say how important it is and you don’t want to wake up one day 5 years down the line and be in a bitter, hateful marriage?

This sounds really stressful OP, it's such a hard situation. Well done for trying to talk to him. Could you maybe have a regular coffee date or a walking date on Sunday mornings, so that he has to get up and spend time with your son? (I know you are going to pop soon so not a very long-term solution!).

Unfortunately I think a point will come where you decide your happiness is more important and you may need to make a decision about setting him an ultimatum. My friend experienced a similar situation for years and often would move to her parents for a few days at a time to make him realise how serious she was! Sadly, they decided they could not reconcile their differences and they have separated, but a year on, she is so much happier.

Hopefully the arrival of your baby might help to change his ways a bit. Sending lots of support.