Am I already a terrible mother?

[K821]

I really need some advice. I am really conscious that in writing this I will offend/upset some people and that's not my intention - i just dont know where else to turn for some advice/support.

Is it normal to worry that you dont want a baby? I am currently 10 weeks - I found out at 4 weeks. We weren't particularly trying but weren't trying not to - I have always wanted kids and I know how lucky I am. I was so excited when I found out. However, as the weeks go on I'm getting more and more worried that I'm doing the wrong thing. I almost push the pregnancy to the back of my mind (this started I think because I was so worried something would go wrong at first.)
All I can see is me being exhausted for the rest of my life. Spending endless days, forever, feeding, changing, cooing, listening to a screaming baby, being exhausted, never being able to just pop out or do what I like. I know people will say I dont deserve to have one, when there are people who long for a baby so much and cant.

My feelings chop and change - one week I'm convinced I'm making a mistake, the next I feel so blessed and excited for the future. My worry is which of those feelings I will have once baby arrives. I have suffered with depression for years (diagnosed and medicated) and am terrified what will happen to my mental health post partum..

Has anyone been through the same, or am I just a terrible person?

Please no hateful comments as i hate myself enough right now. I just need advice and to know if this is a somewhat normal feeling.

Thanks for reading. X

Ive actually never really wanted kids and was swayed by DH. I felt like this the entire pregnancy. Once you hold baby in your arms, you will know you made the right decision!

I totally have these fears too!

I’m 18 weeks and this baby is very much wanted, but I definitely do feel all those fears you mention. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be a bad mum. It’s a huge change and it’s completely natural to have these thoughts!

I too have had mental health issues, depression and anxiety. I think it probably doesn’t help that I’m a worrier. Xx

This is not uncommon, you are not a terrible mother at all its normal to experience a range of unexpected emotions. I always say there's a reason pregnancy is 9 months, gives you time to get used to the idea.
You were casually trying, and now the decision and therefore control of the situation has been taken from you. Bound to be scary.
When you see the scan it will make it seem more real and you will relax a bit. It's a good idea to discuss your feelings with your midwife though, especially your history of depression. There is plenty of help and support available
Good luck and congratulations to you!

You're definitely not a terrible mother!

I think it's normal to have these feelings, and good you are acknowledging them.

I felt the same with my first child. It's such a huge change and I did find it very hard in the first few months. I felt awful at the time because other mums I met through baby groups etc seemed to be loving the experience, whereas I wasn't! But I think appearances are often deceiving.

Go easy on yourself! It takes time to adjust

You're not a bad mother! Pregnancy/parenthood is such a huge life change, I think it would be weird if you didn't think these things. It's actually good you're acknowledging what a big deal it is. I'm 21 weeks with a baby conceived after TTC for 2 years and after a failed IVF cycle. I want this more than anything, but I'll be honest I've had niggling doubts about the way my life will change and feeling sad about the fact I won't be able to do as I please etc. I felt guilty but then I realised that this is a new chapter in my life and it comes with all sorts of thoughts and feelings.

I felt the same with my first, I really didn't know whether I wanted him ( even though I wanted a baby) I worried something would be wrong with him and all I cared about was my dog and how much I loved her and I couldn't possibly imagine loving a baby as much. Terrible? I know. However the second my gorgeous baby boy was born I fell head over heels in love with him. it is honestly a feeling like no other.
looking back I'm sure I had prenatal depression.

Just want to note that actually you might not fall madly in love with your baby the moment you hold them on your arms, and that had nothing to do with whether you're a good mother or not. Love can grow over time, and that doesn't make it "bad" love. Even if you don't enjoy being pregnant or having a small baby, that's such a short period of your child's life. It doesn't make you a bad mum at all. I'm much happier dealing with a stroppy toddler than a crying newborn!

The important thing is too do whatever gets you the most sleep rather than doing the "perfect" thing (e.g. formula if night feeds are killing you so DH can share), and to ask for help. Talk to your midwives about your concerns for your postpartum MH. It's a common problem, and flagging it up now will help everyone keep an eye on things.

And you're not necessarily doomed to suffer!
Baby #1, I was fine during pregnancy and PPD/PPA hit me like a ton of bricks after the birth.
Baby #2, no problems at all!
Baby #3, currently pregnant and seeking help for mild depression/anxiety which started around week 9 (precipitated largely by dreadful physical symptoms). But I may be completely fine after birth - who knows!

Just a note that breastfeeding hormones are similar to pregnancy hormones. I am pro-breastfeeding, but I am even more pro-maternal sanity. If pregnancy hormones cause MH issues for you, breastfeeding ones may too. Definitely try it out, but something to keep in mind if you're struggling a lot after the birth.

Thank you for posting this OP. I'm currently 11 weeks with my first and feeling the same way and was worried it was just me. But now see that it's common and lots of others have these little niggles in the back of their minds.

I guess it makes sense considering it's such a big thing and not something we have experienced before and have bi way of really knowing what its going to be like once the little one is actually here..

You're not terrible! I'm 36 weeks and I had these thoughts for the first time yesterday thanks to some friends moaning about how awful it is . I think I'm getting a little cold feet the closer I get...

Go easy on yourself, completely normal.

Thank you all for your gorgeous comments, I cried reading them and felt such a weight lifted to know I wasnt going nuts or being a horrendous person!!
I had my 12 week scan on Fri and feel so guilty for ever feeling like this! So surreal seeing a little darling wriggling about. This site literally keeps me sane ❤ thank you.

It took my sister four years to feel like she started to love her child. But she does now, and there are no regrets. Everyone is different. My husband tells me that he loved me from the first month that we met, but it took me years to feel the same - like a gradual love that grew. I think that's fine. Nobody is the same, and there's nothing wrong with that.

It might be worth thinking about whether depression is starting to kick in again for you, because some of your thoughts sound quite depression-distorted to me.

You're not a terrible mother, though. It's normal to have worries. But even if you don't love every minute, you aren't literally trapped forever by a baby. A baby is only a baby for a year or two, and by three they get 30 hours free care, and then they're at school. You can still work and go out and experience your life.

You are absolutely normal! It’s so normal to worry about a massive life change. And also to miss the independence/carefree life we are used to!
Although life will never be the same again, I will reassure you that it’s not forever that they are totally dependent on you! When you go back to work and they go to nursery, you get some freedom back. And now my eldest is 4, she loves time with her grandparents, which gives us adult time again.
Life will be very different, but don’t worry, you’re not giving your old life up 😊

So completely normal. I was about 30 weeks pregnant with my first before I felt different. With my second - and I’d been trying for a very long time - my entire pregnancy felt like that.

It is different when they’re born (but not necessarily instantaneous either).

I'm sure that's quite normal.

Totally normal, mention your worries to your midwife about pp depression if I haven't already they should be able to support. Enjoy your pregnancy!