Nearly half-way through and I feel no emotion for this baby. WTF is wrong with me?

[NotReallyFeelingIt]

I'm nearly 20w with my 3rd baby. Getting pregnant was a huge, massive shock due to prior medical issues.

I had a miserable first trimester and considered a termination multiple times but ultimately didn't have one. I've now made peace with the fact I'm pregnant and the baby is coming but I just feel numb. I don't want to think about it, or tell anyone, or buy anything. If I woke up tomorrow and it had been some weird 4-month-long dream I'd shrug and feel a bit relieved.

It's SO different to my previous babies. What is wrong with me? What happens if the baby arrives and I still feel 'meh' about it? Looking after a baby takes a huge amount of time, effort, physical and mental. How will I dredge that up if I don't care about the baby?

Sorry if pregnancy is the wrong place for this I just can't speak to anyone about it. The few people that know are just happy and excited and I have to pretend to be as well.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

I’m no expert but would guess that the shock and considering termination made you distance yourself emotionally to protect yourself. That’s ok and completely understandable.

I think perhaps not pretending all is fine might help? Is there someone you feel you could be honest with in RL? Sometimes these feelings become bigger in your head the more you keep them silent.

Also, I wonder about a 3D scan? Might make you see the baby as an actual baby rather than a problem you’ve had to worry about? Do you know the sex? Have you thought about names? All might help?

You’re likely still in shock. It’s ok. There’s no ‘right’ way to feel in pregnancy.

Nothing is wrong with you. Everyone feels different, some people bond instantly, some people take time.

If you are worried about yourself can you ask your midwife to refer you to perinatal mental health who can give you a little support.

I think thats normal! My DD was a massive surprise and I can’t say I felt particularly bonded to her during pregnancy. I remember everyone telling me how magical it was when you saw your baby at the scan and when it happened I just lay there like “yeah yeah, that’s a baby shaped splodge, can I pee now?” There was so much other stuff going on at the time with work and mental health issues, I don’t think I really had the capacity to feel much else.

Anyway, I loved her to pieces when she was born and we’ve always had a great bond. Don’t stress yourself too much about it now, just take it as it comes and it’ll come in the end :)

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

I was referred to the perinatal mental health midwife but that was at my booking appointment 12 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from her. I've chased it up twice and been told she'll get round to me. Bit disappointing.

After the 20wk scan we might make a list of names and have a look at getting some bits and pieces, and I'll text some friends and colleagues to let them know as well. That might all help. I'm sure seeing the little one on the scan will be useful too as it is such a miraculous feeling being able to glimpse them.

My DH is super supportive of me which is great but he is also very excited about the baby! So we're in quite different places mentally. I also haven't felt any kicks yet. I'm sure once it's jumping about in there and I can feel it that will help.

Thanks again. I feel like I'm missing a bit of a jigsaw or something but perhaps I'll get there in the end. I'll just keep going.

Perinatal MH support still applies after birth, if the baby does arrive and you still struggle. I had a horrible time after my first baby but still manage to care for him physically and spend a lot of time with him in my arms even when I had no feelings for him other than crushing anxiety. Even if you don't manage to get help and resolve things soon, you can still get help and resolve things eventually.

If your midwife is being hopeless, you can also try going through your GP.

I didn't feel anything for my babies even when they were born. No overwhelming rush of love as people describe. I felt a sense of responsibility but not much else. The love part kicked in after a few weeks

To be honest I don't think feeling detached from an unborn baby is uncommon. I'm on my second, both were planned but I absolutely hate pregnancy, I get HG the first half of it and even after that I just hate it all - back pain, coccyx pain, difficulty sleeping, constantly weeing, not to mention the extreme anxiety and fear of childbirth that intrudes my thoughts all the time especially after birth trauma with my first, feeling huge uncomfortable movements late in pregnancy, I hate it all. So I never really 'bond' with my bump tbh. That doesn't mean I don't want the baby or that I won't bond with them after birth, it's just they're not 'real' to me until they're born I guess, whilst in the womb they're just part of pregnancy which is always a horrible time in my life so not something I associate with joy! I also don't talk about names or buy baby things or anything like that until well into the third trimester mostly just because it seems so premature and pointless to do it sooner than that, I'm just apathetic about that kind of thing too. I don't think any of this is unusual I know lots of people who have felt the same.

I empathise, OP. My contract was terminated while I was pregnant, and I was so stressed about career and finances I was completely numb towards the baby.
Even after DD was born, I felt no rush of love, just overwhelming responsibility for a small dependant, whom I worried about providing for.
However, the love grew slowly as I got to know her and care for her. And I soon absolutely adored her. I think you may find the same, and I agree with a PP that all the stress may have made you “switch off” in self protection.
Give it time, and seek mental health support if necessary, but I think it likely things will work out okay. Best wishes.

Thanks for the further posts and support.

The past few days have been tough as I've really swing back to that feeling of just not wanting the baby. Not just numb or detached but that I actively do not want this additional person/stress/chore in my life. I am already at the edge of what I can manage with 2 children, DH, work, house and life.

I can't think of a single good thing about having it and I feel genuinely confused about why people look forward to having babies. I know I did with my previous two but for the life of me I can't think why?!

It's getting a bit much now so I might seek out some support privately. The perinatal midwife is AWOL, presumably dealing with extreme cases, so I'll see if there's anyone I can speak to.

Thanks again everyone, it's good to know there are others out there who empathise and understand.