My Fair Lady,
Tears are rolling down my face as I type into my soggy keyboard. How brave to share your thoughts with us all; I only hope we have offered some help and support to you. (I am constantly amazed by mumsenet and its community.)
Whichever decision you made was going to lead to lifelong repurcussions. (I don't mean a DS child is a 'repurcussion' you know what I mean) My mother in law once told me, and her son - my partner - didn't know this, that she had terminated her third pregnancy due to an unknown risk from exposure from measles. She had waited 8 years for this pregnancy, but was under pressure from her mother at the time, as she had two other children.
She told me that she has always regretted the termination but at the same time doesn't regret it at all as she wouldn't have gone on to have her third child if she'd had that one. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think you may always have dual feelings towards the choice you have made. All you can know now is that you have made the right choice for you at this time, and that you considered all aspects in full.
Regarding adoption, you are absolutely right that there are many children out there who need a loving home. So, yes, there is a small light glowing at the end of this very bleak tunnel. Keep it in mind: There's a future out there for you when you're ready.
with very much love and respect xxxx