what should i expect as teen mum

[mariaflower22]

hi i am 16 and i really want to have a baby with my boyfriend i know it is young but i feel ready and can imagine my life with one , i missed my period last month and while i was kind of scared i realised i was so excited but then it came after being a week late and i felt disappointed , i had been thinking about the future with the baby and being pregnant and realised that's what i want , so what should i expect during pregnancy and after the baby is here as obviously being a teenager will make things harder with some things ?

I'd need to know way more about the circumstances. I guess if you had no desire to have a career or study yet and feel equipped with the necessary life skills to do this, it's your choice. Maybe you're all set up with millionaire parents or something- who knows!
However, I think a solid, adult relationship is a good start. The boys you date at 16 aren't usually life partners in my experience.
I believed I could do anything at 16, wanted a very exact set of things, very determined, but a year later, everything I had wanted had completely changed to new things. Life experiences alter things so much. Would it hurt to give it more time?

I am not meaning to disrespect single parents by suggesting a solid relationship is a good start- I know plenty of very capable parents doing it alone. Just might be worth hanging on a bit.

In my opinion you need some time as an adult first to truly know who you are and what you want from life. I grew up in my 20s... hugely and I was a different person at 26 from 16.
Plus I had young parents. The plus side was that they were young and cool. The negative was that they never had enough money and they resented us a little stopping them from achieving their dreams. They did it in the end, they went back to college when we were small, first my dad and then my mum. It was hard work doing college in the evening after work (bills have to be paid). They made it, their marriage made it and we turned out all right. They both got great professional careers in the end but it would have been a darn sight easier to have sorted the career first, got a home first, grown up first ... then had the kids.
Just think it all through carefully.

It is so hard to explain what it is like to have a baby. I had my first baby at 27 and I thought it was going to be amazing to love and look after a little baby.

The reality is so, so different. Your old life as you knew it, is over. It is like being hit by a bus. I was shell shocked for about 6 months after having her. Your entire day is taken up by feeding, changing nappies, having next to no sleep, crying because you feel like you can't cope. You don't get 1 second to yourself for a long time. You don't even feel like you have time to eat your dinner initially.

You have your whole life ahead of you at 16. Go out and enjoy it. I do know of a few girls who had babies at the age of 16 when I was in school. 3 ended up being brought up by their Grandparents because it is so difficult, and only 1 is still with the same guy that she was with at 16.

I don't mean to sound so negative but personally I would wait a few years, do things you enjoy.

Children having children isn't something that should be aimed for.

Set yourself up properly to care for another being.

Wait until your own brain has finished maturing.

Then start on raising another human.

I was 19. I would get any qualifications you need or want, get a job, learn to drive and have a stable home before you start trying. Trust me.
It's difficult when you're in your late 20s and you have a much older child than everyone else your age.

Only do it if you are happy to be a single parent with very little money.

That's my advice.

^^ this you're stuck home alone with a baby. Ex is off out with his mates. You've no friends around because they're off living their lives

At first, all your friends will think it's great and volunteer to babysit whenever you need them. You can't possibly imagine how this could go wrong. You're smart, kind and so ready for being a mum. Your friends know you better than anyone right?

Fast forward to a 3 month old baby. Your friends don't come by as often because, well, it's a bit boring, this baby malarkey. They're excited about their future, A levels, university choices and you're just trying to make sure you point the baby the right way when they vomit. Everything smells, you're so tired and your bf- who really does love you - isn't so keen with the practicalities of being a dad.
Fast forward a year, not many friends turned up for the baby's first birthday, in fact, you don't see them quite so often. You still have trouble convincing your BF he's a great dad and being honest, he's a bit shit. If only he'd realise how good he could be.

Just because all this happened to someone else doesn't mean you'll be the same, maybes it'll all work out brilliantly because, you know, you're smart and kind and will know exactly what you're letting yourself in for. But I doubt it sweetheart.

Don't do it, please don't.
I love my children - DS1 at 16, DS2 at 18, DD at 20 - but I'd rather have had the exam woes, the university excitement, the staying up all night partying/putting the world to rights instead of being up all night with a crying child. I'd rather have not put them through the trauma of their father 'forgetting' continually that life's no longer just about him.
Give yourself a few years of being young without the responsibility of another human being.

You have all the time in the world for this. Why now?

Hi OP,

I had my DD at 23, she is now 4mo and while I wouldn't change it for the world you don't realise how drastically your life changes!

Luckily for me, I had already completed uni, and secured a career to go back to - but I think at your age you need to think about the practicalities of the situation

• how will you support your family?
• where will you live?
• what kind of lifestyle will you live (this is important as if you're someone who likes nice things, holidays etc how will you sustain this with a child if you haven't got the funds)

I think you also need to think about the fact that a child isn't a toy that you can give back and you shouldn't just have one because you "want one" without knowing that you will be able to support them and give them a decent life like previous posters have said there is plenty of time to do this when you are in a more stable position to do so!

Further to this, the person you are at 16 is very different to your adult you - so maybe take some time out to learn about yourself and really come into your own and experience life before you have to raise someone else!

At 16 relationships change and someone you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with can be gone in a blink of an eye! Leaving you alone to raise their child.

Don't do it. You are definitely too young.it is HARD WORK to take care of a child as it's your baby's needs first.

Having a baby involves a whole lot not mental readiness.it will definitely put a strain on u and ur partner's relationship but tahts where the maturity plays in. You have to be MATURE enough to handle all this

Besides there's no guarantee ur boyfriend is going to be with you as you are only still very YOUNG.

Get a good career or job and build yourself up first

If you want your child to have the best life possible, which I hope you do, you will not get pregnant at 16. Right now, you are thinking very selfishly. This isn't a game, and a real life baby's wellbeing is at stake should you get pregnant. Don't do this. I should hope you have dreams for your own life before having children.

The greatest characteristic needed to be a mother is selflessness. As a mother we put our children's welfare above ALL else. That means everything . Decisions about health, education, discipline, relationships (your and theirs) - family, housing etc .. it's a really long list. In each category being selfless means taking actions that we may not like or want but we do because it gives our children the best possible life chance.

Start right now by selflessly understanding that whilst you may WANT a baby, it is not in that baby's best interest to be born to a 16/17 year old with no career and little chance of financial /family stability.
To continue with this plan is not selfless. It's selfish. The one quality that no child needs in a parent.

From someone who was pregnant at 16 and had a baby at 17, don’t do it. You fuck up your education, lose your friends, your job opportunities, there’s no way in hell your relationship will last more than a couple of years and you’ve no way of supporting yourself and a child either. Living on benefits is miserable and soul sucking. You won’t be able to give yourself or your baby any kind of life.

@Mylittleponysuperfan I could’ve written that myself, I agree with that 1000%!

OP I understand the ache to have a baby and the vision you’ll have of how perfect it’ll be and there may well be moments like that but there will be an awful lot of moments that aren’t! I spent the first half of my 20s (and then some!) dragging myself around, completely overwhelmed and alone. I can’t even put into words how hard it was (and still is) mentally.
I’m 30 today and it doesn’t feel like a milestone because I have felt 35 for the last 10 years! I never had my 20s and I would’ve done if I’d waited to have my girls. I don’t regret them, I love them to bits but in some respects I do feel like I ‘wasted’ the decade when I was supposed to be having the most fun and being the most selfish!

@OddshoesOddsocks Happy Birthday!

I had my son relatively young at 22, and whilst I love him to bits it has felt like we've grown up together. I wish I'd had the chance to get myself into my dream career, of course it's possible to go back into education as a mum, but I wanted to train to be a midwife and that would have been tough as a mum - and a single one at that. So I never did it, and it's my biggest regret in life.

I now volunteer with young mums (average age 16), they are amazing but even they admit they wish they'd finished their education.

Good luck with whatever you choose x

Stupid thing to "plan" at 16.
Wait at least a couple of years and make sure you can provide a good life to a child.

I had my son at 19, unplanned but I was excited and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. After the newborn stage your mates will start to lose interest in the baby and then slowly lose interest in you when you have to keep missing out on plans. Your relationship will change completely, you'll never be able to do anything for yourself and in my experience it is so so lonely. I also wish I'd carved out a solid career for myself before I had kids as it's next to impossible to do that after years as a SAHM.
You'll love the baby but that doesn't equal happiness, I think choosing to have a baby at 16 is setting yourself up for a really tough few years, mentally & financially.

Expect people telling you you are too young and you have your whole life ahead of you

Also expect older mothers to indicate that you are childish and selfish for not waiting like they chose to do for having a child young.

I wasn’t a teen mum. I was in my 20s with a good job but I still lost all my friends (I couldn’t go on nights out: couldn’t afford additional childcare on top of nursery fees. I couldn’t be spontaneous.) I later lost my career too (didn’t have flexibility to work different hours at short notice). It’s hard having to put someone else first, and will be harder still for you with no wage/ minimal income. I don’t think I’d have coped had I not had my own home and a reasonable wage. It was hard enough anyway.

I’d say the biggest consideration must be a financial one. Presumably at 16 you’ve not been responsible for paying bills: rent, utilities, insurance, council tax. Let alone clothes, food, entertainment, birthday presents. You’ll likely have a good few years of being very poor. That is a miserable existence for anyone and will set you at a disadvantage for a long long time.

Hi op. I had my first child at 37 so very different experience. It was (and is) such a hard job. I think it's impossible to explain unless you have been through it. There are times of joy but a lot of the time is drudge. There is no parental satisfaction or joy in doing piles and piles of laundry and dishes and the thousands of mundane and boring jobs that come with parenthood. You don't need to take all that on yet. Go and have fun, have your own life where you are just responsible for you. Be silly, be irresponsible, take time to grow up and learn who you are. You deserve all that time to yourself before you take on parenting, where (if you are a good parent) you will have to put your children's needs first for many years. I'd just ask you to consider two things. Firstly, take note of all the women who posted that did have babies when they were young. I think almost every single one advised you to wait. Think about that, every woman who experienced what you want to do is telling you not to do it. They have no vested interest in advising against a baby so young, they have first hand experience of how hard it is. I would listen to them. Secondly, on the financial side of things. One thing I find difficult about parenting is the constant, and I mean CONSTANT worry. I was so carefree before children, now I love my children intensely and with that comes sometimes unbearable levels of worry. I'm lucky as I'm older and financially secure. I would find financial worries extremely stressful without children, add being responsible for kids into the mix and that is an exceptional level of stress, that's a real burden for any parent. Many parents face financial problems and have to cope but you don't have to make this decision. If you really want a baby, and really want to be a great Mother, spend this time laying the foundations for giving your baby a financially secure life. It will save you tonnes of worry in the future and trust me, once you have a baby you will want nothing more than to give them a secure life. The work you put in now to get an education and a secure future will make your life as a parent, and the lives of your children, immeasurably easier. Good luck to you.

One other thing you could do to help you understand the position you'd be in as a single parent is to work out future costs. Figure out the cost of rent in your area, food for you both, electricity, gas, water, council tax. Transport costs (bus/tube/car). Clothes. Nursery costs if you want to work (where I live it's £60 a day). As they get older they will want to try different hobbies. Will you be able to afford things like swimming lessons, gymnastics, ballet, football, etc? If not, do you feel like that's fair on the child? Sure, they don't need any of those things but you will want them to have every opportunity. Think beyond a gorgeous little baby and work out what you actually need to feed, clothe, house and educate that child and then see if you can meet those obligations. Again, good luck.

If this is true, I'd say you're definitely too young and tbh pretty selfish - it's all about you, your desire for a baby. What about the baby? What will you be doing to ensure your baby/child has the best start in life possible?

Do you and your boyfriend have a job, a house or flat. It's not all about choosing a pram and cute little outfits, it's about sleepless nights, hours of boredom, loneliness, disagreements with your partner, 18 years and more of worry. You won't be able to go out with your friends - you'll be on a completely different page to them and probably bore them to tears with your baby chat.

How long have you been with your boyfriend - tbh you're barely old enough to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, let alone be planning your long term future and a baby. You should be working on your relationship with your boyfriend to ensure you want to be together long term before you even start thinking about having a baby (and tbh, at 16, you should be having the time of your life and planning your future education, travel and fun).