Guilt over miscarriage

[user1489320949]

Hi
A bit of a back story I have pcos and concieved my DS after two years of trying on my 6th round of clomid. DS was 3 in March and I have never used any contraception since he was born. We have actively tried to concieve since January 2020. I Fell pregnant last month but unfortunately miscarried this week at around 6 weeks pregnant.
The point to this post is I feel an overwhelming guilt that I can't give my little boy a sibling. It hurts my heart that he may be an only child due to my fertility issues and its all I can seem to focus on right now. I wondered if anyone had any positive stories of only having one DC and how having a sibling is not the be all and end all? I really hope to have another DC in the future but am not feeling optimistic about that at the moment, the miscarriage is very raw and I'm not sure I have the energy to start the Ttc journey again. I am almost 33 and my partner almost 34 so feel as though we have limited time to play with.
Thankyou for reading x

Would you shame your own mother for not having more children? Do you judge women who try to but fail to give birth to more than one child?

If the answer is no to both, why treat everyone else better than yourself? You are a person too.

You don't owe anyone to have a set number of children. If you end up with one child just enjoy the advantages of that. Take care

I’m so sorry for your struggles. I think the thing about siblings is that you imagine they will be best buds, maybe the odd squabble but ultimately there to support each other through thick and thin etc etc. The reality is often quite different! My DB has social and communication issues (suspected ASD). We had a happy childhood together but ultimately he’s never been able to live independently and I foresee a time in the not too distant future when I’ll potentially be caring for elderly DP and DB as well as my own family. DH is in the middle of a protracted row with one of his siblings over an inheritance. On the other hand I have several friends who are only children all of whom are wonderful people and far from negative stereotypes.

So don’t beat yourself up. Fertility struggles are cruel and unfair, and of course you’ll mourn what might have been, but your family will be your wonderful family whatever the size and shape.

I think people put so much emphasis on siblings and ‘best friends’ for life but the reality doesn’t always match up. I’m one of four and have a brother I haven’t spoken to got over a decade, just because we are siblings we are not duty bound to be in each other’s lives. There’s no shame in being an only child at all and your child will live a wonderful life regardless of any siblings, they don’t know any different! X

Thankyou all for you're responses there really helpful!
I feel like iv spent so many of my adult years focusing on Ttc it really would just be nice to drawer a line under it all and be happy with what I have. I just don't want my own feelings and decisions to be detrimental to my DS.
Thanks again everyone

So you’re 32?? That by any average today is actually pretty young. I’m currently pregnant with DC3 at 40. Don’t give up.
My tips?
Angus cactus for cycle regulation
soy isoflavones for ovulation
Ubiquinol for egg quality
Evening primrose for cervical mucus
Conceive plus 5 min before dtd
Stay in bed wiggling hips around 5 min afterwards
Give up coffee if you drink it!
Good luck X

Absolutely don't blame yourself! I know it's easier said than done though, and guilt from miscarriage is very natural and lots of women feel it I think. I'm sure logically you know that you didn't cause the miscarriage. I don't have any advice except keep telling yourself that

In terms of future children, in your situation I know it would help me if I'd done everything reasonable in my power to have a second baby. If it still didn't work then I would find it easier to be kind to myself. This may just be me of course.
I have PCOS and haven't had your struggles but have taken maybe longer to conceive both times than is 'normal'. I realised that alcohol was possibly a factor for me (PCOS/oestrogen balance is affected) so even though I didn't drink much, I think if I try for a third in the future I won't drink at all while TTC. Then I'll feel I've done everything I can.
Do you take inositol and keep your weight in the healthy range? I think those are two massive things women with PCOS need to do in order to balance their hormones and conceive.
Presume you've had your OH's sperm checked too, just to make sure he's not the issue?

I don't mean to be forcing advice on you when you haven't really asked for it as such. I'm just meaning that I think long-term you would find it easier to feel at peace with having a single child if you have given it your best effort. Maybe you already have though! In which case, sorry for my unsoliceted advice :)

All the best, whatever you do. Am sure that whether you have another baby or not, your DS is lucky to have you x

I'm an only child: my mother had me at 40, conceived and miscarried a sibling at 42 and thought that was a sign she was 'too old' (this was back when miscarriage was never talked about) so didn't try again. She has said she regretted that.

I would have quite liked a sibling but its absolutely not a huge thing. I had many close friends who enjoyed coming to hang out in my house because it was peaceful. I'm currently pregnant with my second at 38, hopefully to give a sibling to my first who I had at 35 following an earlier miscarriage. Its still early days, and it took a while to get pregnant this time, and I did have those thoughts - about her being an only child, about the age gap, etc etc. But: your child will be loved. And you are v v young.

Some siblings get along. Some don't. I would go as far as to say there's maybe a 50/50 chance that siblings will be a support to each other in adulthood. Let yourself grieve and heal and then think about it again, but the miscarriage wasn't caused by anything you did, and your son doesn't need a sibling to be happy. Its harder at this age because you'll probably be surrounded by friends having second children. But it won't feel so strange in a few years, whatever the outcome.

Thankyou, you've all made some really great points and given me lots to think about!
Before I had my DS my periods were vertually none existent hence the need for clomid to become pregnant, since giving birth 3 years ago I have regularish 35 day cycles, I am a healthy weight and have a relatively healthy lifestyle, it would be lovely to think I could concieve naturally again and have a healthy pregnancy, just the Ttc journey is becoming very tiresome now. Its very hard not to let it consume you're life. Maybe best to evaluate things again when the miscarriage isn't so raw.
Great to hear all you're stories!

I had very irregular periods before starting taking inositol OP. They regulated within three months of starting it. They do still vary between 29-34 days or thereabouts, but I've been tracking and I do ovulate every single month. All thanks to the inositol. Worth a try if you haven't already tried it!

Im not sure about the inositol as I do ovulate naturally now my cycles vary between 33-40 days and I track ovulation. I would worry that the inositol would disturb my cycles but I'd have to read up about that. I did get pregnant naturally this time so there is hope for a further pregnancy in the future, the miscarriage has just deflated me massively and made me wonder if I have the energy to carry on the ttc journey. I worry it will take another 14 months to concieve again and the impact that will have on me and dh emotionally.

I would give yourself some time - as you say the miscarriage is so raw and recent. I think we all get tempted to analyse our whole life plans in these tough moments but I’d try and focus on recovery in the short term.

I understand how you feel though and what it’s like being in that difficult limbo. It’s almost mentally easier to draw a line and say no more ttc than it is to keep hoping and trying but it’s also ok to take time to think that through. TTC took over my life for years, in fact close to a decade. Infertility, IVF, miscarriages then DD, then another miscarriage. I’m now 40 and 18 weeks pregnant. Natural pregnancies at my age with my history have been a bit unexpected to say the least, but here we are. Regardless of any final decision, I would recommend taking steps towards making peace with one child, as a way of exploring how you feel. I got to the stage where I could be happy with that outcome before this final surprise pregnancy. There’s a supportive group on FB called “my first my last my everything” for those with one child by choice or circumstance.

Coachee thankyou for the great advice, il check out the FB group sounds like it could be really helpful

Hey OP, I know the guilt you're speaking off as I'm on the same boat, but much older than you. Considering your age, I would recomend to stop actively trying for a bit, and just relaxing, enjoying your beautiful family. Even a few months, can help you feel better and then you will be able to reconsider the matter.

Hi, thanks for you're kind words, needed them today as iv got my period for the first time since miscarrying so feeling a little bit sensitive. I think we will try again casually this cycle but I don't hold much hope after the length of time it took my previous pregnancies to happen.