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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

1 month until due date, travel, cancer query

12 replies

Growingyou · 03/05/2021 08:04

I'm just wondering out loud here as I have very jumbled thoughts. DH and I live 23 hr flight from home country. We are expecting our first baby in 1 month + a few days. DH's dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He is an amazing man who we love very dearly, and my instinct is to try to jump on a plane within the next 4 days if possible before the 36 week travel ban sets in for pregnancy. Or do I just send DH and give birth alone here and fly out later? This is certainly not a moment to be worried about myself, but I feel like DH will be so torn/distracted/upset if staying in our country of residence that he probably won't be the most effective birth partner/early months support, and I probably won't be the best emotional support to him in the very early days of caring for newborn. Any advice for how you'd tackle this or how I should prioritise my racing thoughts much appreciated.

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Gabby82 · 03/05/2021 08:58

Would the trip need to be a long term one to care for him or just a visit to spend some time with him?

Original poster

Growingyou · 03/05/2021 09:44

To be honest, I'm really not sure. I'll be on maternity leave, and DH has parental leave up to 2 months.

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 03/05/2021 09:50

Sorry to hear about this. Your idea of traveling across the world at the moment doesn’t sound very practical though. Although you can fly till 36 weeks it would be very uncomfortable unless you can afford business class seats.

Is it a country you can even travel to at the memory?

You’d also need to think about travel insurance. Could you get cover just in case you went into labour at one of the stopover points?

And would you be entitled to free healthcare once you arrive?

NewIdeasToday · 03/05/2021 09:50

at the moment (not memory!)

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/05/2021 09:52

Honestly I would just send your DH. Flying in pregnancy isn't fun normally, let alone with extra restrictions at the moment. Is travel even allowed between the two countries presently?
This might mean he doesn't make the birth. Do you have other support like your mother or close friend? DH was abroad when my younger DD was born. He was sad to miss it, but long term it was ok.

UnkindlyMay · 03/05/2021 09:53

You could give birth any day now. You don’t want that to be on a plane or in a quarantine facility.

Rubyrecka · 03/05/2021 10:03

If it was me I would go with my DH, you still have time. Providing you'll be flying to a country with sound health care you'll have access too and the covid levels are low. I would probably go.

NinaMimi · 03/05/2021 10:17

Sorry to hear of your situation. It is a really long flight so if it was me I’d be tempted to stay here and have DH go. Like you say having a newborn and supporting your FIL health could be difficult. It’s really what you’re comfortable with. I guess as well you need to decide if you’re just going for a week visit and back or if you plan to have the baby there.

Gabby82 · 03/05/2021 10:41

I think I'd send DH alone for a week or two (travel location permitting) to see him, hope you don't go into labour while he's away and then work out a longer term plan if needed once baby here.

Original poster

Growingyou · 03/05/2021 13:40

Thanks for your replies

DH's parents aren't telling us how serious the prognosis is because they think we just need to focus on having the baby. The lack of information though is distressing my DH as he feels he can't make an informed choice, and thinks that by not telling him it must mean the worst.

I see three options:

we jump on a plane together within next 48 hours and pray baby doesnt arrive early (during quarantine) but at least we're all together, and there is good health care I can access in my home country.
DH just goes, which would definitely mean him not being present at the birth. But could be last opportunity of his life to spend time with his dad (whereas baby will be around for many many years). I have some nice friends (all childless!) who I'm sure will step up to support if he goes.
we stay but run the risk of never seeing F/FiL again which just seems unthinkable.

OP posts:

Muststopeating · 03/05/2021 13:51

Personally I would go, both of you ASAP, but do get business class if you can (I flew from Dublin to San Francisco on a work trip 3rd trimester, it wasn't comfortable but managable and that'swith SPD). BUT before you do I would insist that they are up front and honest about the severity/prognosis. Do you know that the cancer is terminal? Even if it is it could be a year plus (or it could be very quick indeed).

My dad died 10 days before my 2nd baby was born. We knew he was ill. We were temporarily living in Ireland when I was pregnant and I used to lie awake at night worrying about baby being born early and not being able to get home to dad until baby was out of NICU. It was not fun. We did go home early in the end and practically lived with my mum who took care of dad at home until the end. To be honest at the time I thought I was over reacting and that it could be ages left. It wasn't and when he went downhill it was very sudden and from that point on he was pretty much out of it.

I am very very grateful that I got that time with him. But I can also imagine how torn your DH will be if he's with his dad and you are in labour etc.

If you can afford to all be together and be with FIL then honestly do that! (Though the flight will be pretty nerve wracking).

jazzibelle · 03/05/2021 14:01

@Growingyou personally, I'd go and I'd go now. You said it all with "we stay but run the risk of never seeing F/FiL again which just seems unthinkable."

If I were in your situation, I couldn't imagine staying back. My thoughts are with you and your DH, it must be very stressful for you both.

You can't get that time back, and although it's not your current plan to be on a plane and travelling, changing up your birth plan etc. Things happen and this is one of those times you adapt and go with it. Plus, if this is your FiL's only opportunity to meet his grandchild, that will be of great comfort to your DH in later years if his cancer diagnosis turns out to be terminal.

Some airlines might need a doctor's note to fly, so I'd get on that right away and book your flights. You can arrange to send anything you need from your current location to your home country, and book an appointment with your doctor/midwife back home.

At the end of the day, family comes first. Good luck, I hope it has a good outcome for you and your FiL.

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