Pregnancy with new partner

[Mrsbiscuits81]

Hi

My ex husband and i broke up in 18 months ago, although we'd been 'apart' but living in the same house for 8 months prior to that.

I got into a new relationship with a very old friend quite soon after and as my divorce was acrimonious and my priority was was two children ( now 10 & 6) we spent about 8 months when my partner only visited when the kids were with their dad (he sees them 5 nights out of 14). We then started spending the odd night / weekend together and after a year, he was here most of the time. My younger child adores him and they have a great relationship. My older child also gets on well with him although has been struggling with some feelings of guilt around that as his dad is very unhappy and he feels loyal towards him.

Both boys have been seeing a counsellor to help with feelings around the divorce. I have got books, i spend hours talking to them. We are generally a happy, fun loving unit and all get on really well. My partner is a really kind, laid back person who cares a lot for both my children but is very respectful of their relationship with their dad.

I"ve just discovered i am pregnant! I am 40 and my partner is 48 and he would absolutely love a baby.... i also thought a baby with him would be lovely at some point in the future, but now its happened i am horrified about how my children will feel. I am so scared of upsetting them, my youngest revels in being 'the baby' and my oldest is very non plussed with the sibling he's already got! My ex won't be supportive about this at all so i'm worried the kids will get more guilt feelings when they're there, and i am so scared i'll 'lose' my boys. I am basically freaking out spectacularly and keep waking up at 5am to worry so am getting more and more exhausted.

I am one of 3 and had always wanted 3 kids but my relationship with my ex husband broke down massively after our 2nd child. I had made my peace with having 2 and am so in love with them both and so happy with them. At 40, i realise this will probably be my last chance to have a baby, and there will be nearly 7 years and 11 years between my kids and this new child which is a lot but i feel they've been through so much in last 18 months and this is a lot to throw at them! My partner is so happy, i feel like an evil witch just posting all these worries here!

Please help me with any experiences of your own!

So I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you... but I just wanted to say that given how aware, conscientious and respectful you are of your boys feelings I think that you will absolutely figure this out. Everything you've said sounds like you have their happiness front of mind and go to great lengths to anticipate and mitigate any difficulties they might face. I think you've got this.

Oh thank you so much for your kind words which made me cry (bloody hormones!!!). I can’t bear the thought of doing anything which makes them unhappy - it’s such a balancing act with trying to be happy myself - someone once told me when I had my first son that parenting is basically just a series of feelings of guilt that you’re doing the wrong thing - I absolutely have that!

I really appreciate your words. Thank you xxx

Hi op
Sorry you are going through this.
You sound like a loving caring mum who cares deeply about her children's feelings. I think you have done the right thing by them. You have been there helping and supporting them. Most importantly you have showed them love.

I think you got this. You can tell them. There is not much you do.
I hope all goes well for you. C

Thank you @jade0881 - the boys dad is a very challenging person and he won’t let me see or speak to them at all when they’re with him so I think the hormones are playing havoc with me too and these 4 days without them (he’s had them for a long weekend) is allowing my brain to run wild.

I have until June before I’m 12 weeks so a little time to sort some of this out in my head and work out the best way to tell them / what support to get them etc.

I really appreciate your kind words xx

@Mrsbiscuits81
Take your time hun don't rush everything will be okay. I use to listen to Alicia keys superwomen when I was so stressed out. It's worth a try...

You are a strong minded women. Always here for a chat hun x

Just wanted to say that, I'm 43 just had a baby with my new partner. My children weren't keen on the prospect of a new sibling to start with and the guilt was overwhelming. But now the baby is here they all love him to bits. They fight over who is holding him/pushing the pram/making him laugh etc. I'm pretty sure it'll work out for you, just keep reminding them how much you love them and how a new baby just means more love not less. ❤️

Oh thank you @Larryslockdownlunch - I so appreciate you sharing! Was your elder kids dad supportive? And did you and your new partner tell the kids together about the new baby? I’ve no idea how to tell them.

Huge congratulations on your new addition ❤️❤️

Xx

Ps overwhelming guilt = my current every minute state!

@Mrsbiscuits81 thank you 😊 we did tell them together we showed them a scan picture over dinner one night and there was much eye rolling.

My older kids dad passed away so it was a different situation but equally as difficult in terms of guilt etc. The kids always come first but I feel like I'm entitled to live my life too. I have 3 teenagers who will be leaving home soon enough and starting their own lives.

I'm glad I don't have an awkward ex though......

Oh I’m so sorry. What a hard time you’ve been through, I’m so glad you’ve in happiness now ❤️

I guess I will just have to see how things go.... my 10 year old seems a teenager and my 6 year old seems such a baby, and their dad is just relentlessly controlling and difficult which along with all the hormones is making me very upset!

I really appreciate your messages x x