My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants kids!

[Smithy12345]

Help!!!

My boyfriend and I have had around 3 discussions about one day having children. From the off he said to me “I want to travel as much as we can now as one day I’ll have children and stuff to pay for”. So that being said I always assumed he would want them!

It’s kind of changed since, he’s not said he definitely doesn’t want them, but he says he doesn’t know. However he talks about kids all the time like “If I ever have a child....” & sends me videos of memes and funny things involving children on social media.

I’ve said to him before after getting upset “you would tell me if you definitely didn’t wouldn’t you.” And he said yes he would and he wouldn’t waste my time like this. He’s a very honest person so I think if it was a complete no go he would have said by now.

He’s always told me it’s not a “no, because I th in think you’d be an amazing person to have a child with, but I just don’t like it when the question comes up”.

Please someone help, we are both 27 and I do not want to struggle to get pregnant. At the same time it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him.

We are also about to buy a house together, so maybe I am wanting to much straight away?

I maybe think he does want them? But he doesn’t want them yet, and he gets embarrassed talking about it?

HELP!

Forget him. What do you want?

Do you want a child now? I did, at your age. Or when you have got a house, or after travelling, or what?

Stop living your life trying to guess what he wants. Decide what you need, and what you want, and talk to him about that.

(Honestly - he might get there, it sounds like he will. But probably not just yet. If you're not that bothered for 2 or 3 years, I would give yourselves that time).

I definitely wouldn't be buying a house until I had a definite answer.
Particularly if you wouldn't stay with him if he decided against children.

Hey!

Thank you for your response, he honestly talks about it all the time... like he’ll say “when I have a child I want them to play rugby or football not just watch television etc”

So I am in a high flying career, I am not ready yet, but I would like to be pregnant by the time I am 30.

He is training to be a professional sports coach, so he is currently in a job that he isn’t happy in, so for him right now he doesn’t have his career yet!

I think he does but I just want an answer!

At the same time I’m a very full on person and I want it all yesterday lol!

Sorry, but at 27 most people know if they ever want children and about when they want them. In my experience, those who are not sure whether they want children are in denial about the fact that deep down, they don’t want them. So I think your boyfriend started out thinking he would want children when older. Many people do, it is engrained into us that life path that involves finding “the one” and then “starting a family”.

But as the years have gone by, he’s still not getting the desire to have children like he has been told he would. So instead of confronting this lack of wanting children and admitting, he actually doesn’t want them...he avoids all talk of it. Especially since he knows that he will lose you if he does this soul searching....he’s probably thinking and hoping that one day he will wake up and suddenly want to be a father. He won’t. But because he thinks he might, he’s just inadvertently stringing you along.

What do you say to him about having kids?

"it’s my dream to have children, and if it’s a definite no I would leave him" Have you made your wishes clear to him as explicitly as you did here? I often see women try and get the answer from their partner, but being embarrassed to talk about their own priorities. Make sure you say what you want very directly and without any shame.

How can anyone HELP? It sounds to me like he definitely doesn't want kids. But you're allowing yourselves to drift along with him dodging the subject.
You need to nail it down.

Oh OP, I could write so much from experience here.... I have lost prime baby making years in an otherwise blissful relationship with someone who went from "when I see the right person I'll have kids" (fine, I assumed...that'll be me!) to "I'm not sure" and through relationship counselling, two break ups, an engagement (when he proposed after losing me as he decided then "yes he was sure he wanted kids and me") back to "I'm not sure and I'm terrified about losing you" , he had therapy on his own and even hypnotherapy. I am now 34 with severely diminished ovarian reserve (only discovered recently when I have started pursing egg freezing) and may never have my own children. He will still say with all honesty (and I totally believe him) he still doesn't know for sure if he wants them or not. Sometimes people don't know. But that's not good enough for when I know I do and soon/now and it won't be good enough for you in your situation.

I was in your position with basically my perfect man and just wishing and hoping it would all be ok. Just because a man finds kids cute or funny, or even talks about what things would be like IF you had kids together does not mean they seriously want to have children.

I think.you need to have a serious conversation with him about if he DEFINITELY wants children (and be wary he's not saying it to just keep you ) and perhaps pursue some relationship counselling etc to make sure you're both on the same page and have properly analysed it all. I would also have a fertility MOT with a private clinic (£400ish in London) and check your fertility out so you've got a bit more reassurance one way or the other as to if you've got until you're 30 or later to have kids or if it ought to be sooner etc. That might help you decide the next steps.

One thing I will say is as much as you love this man and think he is perfect or the relationship is perfect, if he doesn't want the same future as you then it isn't perfect. Break ups are horrendous, but you will always find someone to love again. If you miss out on your chance to be a mum you can't ever get that back. You're 27 now- that is (touch wood all fine on fertility tests) plenty of time to find someone new to have a family with if this guy isn't the one. If you decide (again...like I did..) "oh well it's ok, I don't want a baby NOW so we don't need to resolve this now" then you bury your head in the sand, build more of a life with him and fall deeper in love. So by the time you're 30 and it comes up and again and you do the whole soul searching/counselling or whatever and it drags on for another year or so...you're gradually losing the best years of your life to have a child. Time goes by so fast..

I agree with pp that you shouldn't buy a house with him until this is clear and resolved one way or the other.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you get to be a mum one day

Oh gosh and I've just reread and seen your comment about how he says you'd be an amazing person to have a child with. That's exactly what my ex would say...how he can see me being an amazing mum and he couldn't think of anyone better to have a child with [but he's still not sure he wants one] ... the bits in brackets obvs not always said.

I think you need to be careful you're not hearing what you want to hear, OP. None of that, sadly, means "I definitely want the same things you want and I want us to have a family together and want to start trying in a year or two"

I know at least 4 men from work who have had a gf for years. Said I'm not ready for children yet but soon etc. Kept that going until she was into early 30s. Then left for another younger woman and immediately got married and had kids. Leaving the woman they left high and dry, having strung them along until they were an age where finding someone plus getting pregnant etc was all cutting it a bit fine iykwim.

When I met DH I was 32 and he was 27. He was keener to get going with babies than me. I had always been fairly ambivalent but sort of assumed I would one day. He also knew he wanted to get married settle down etc. Just his personality.

You and your partner are none of the people above. But it sounds to me like he doesn't. He's got years, hasn't he. You haven't so much.

I think you need to call it quits tbh.

Or just say it straight. I want children and now is the right time. All these things you want to do. I'm getting older and if I need to meet someone else that takes time.

I suspect he'll fob you off.

Have you said it straight. Not soon/ later. I want to try now...?

Smithy saying by 30 is not how it works.

You can't time getting pregnant because it can happen straight away or not for ages.

Your high flying career will be there after mat leave.

I was honest with my DP, told him I wanted to have a baby and said I’d do it without him if he didn’t want to. But he warmed to the idea after not being bothered/actually not wanting to have children before. Now that I’m due in a couple of weeks he’s extremely fatherly to the bump already, constantly talks to baby and feels his kicks, talks about baby in the future and what they’ll do. He thinks men don’t get the hormone surge that women do so just don’t automatically want children but when it happens in reality turn out to be great dads.

Hmm - you're both still young. People often don't know what they're doing with their lives until later. My DP never envisaged having children and would say he was pretty sure he didn't want them but he changed his mind last year and now we're pregnant. I'm 37, will be 38 when baby is born so try not to stress about struggling to conceive. It's more of a visceral feeling for us ladies, which men don't always get, which leaves them questioning if they want to be a parent at all.
I think you both need to sit down, have a deep discussion about it, say how deeply you feel about it and maybe say "can we start trying in a couple of years/ when I'm 30 etc?"
Hope you get a resolution you're both happy with
Xxx

Tell him you are ready to start trying now. If he continues to says he's not ready then I doubt that will change within the next couple of years. You could have children later on in life quite easily or you could find you have issues, the later you leave it to find out the harder it will be to help with possible issues.
I know women who left it late to start and had issues so never had any children of their own because they felt too old to go through the hard reality of fertility treatment.

I would say I don't agree that people know what they really want.. at 30 I was terribly against the idea of having kids and so was DH.

I started changing my mind as I neared 32 and thought maybe it might be nice but wasn't 100% convinenced.. DH and I talked it over and he agreed but didn't want then immediately. He wasn't ready yet.

He still wasn't ready when I hit 34.. and actually sitting him down to talk it over I found it was because he was terrified of everything changing and things going wrong between us and him letting us down somehow.. So we worked in sorting out his fears for a bit. He came around eventually at Christmas, and we started trying in Feb this year, and fell pregnant in March. I'm currently 34 years old and 9 weeks pregnant. Hes been really freaked out but is being such amazing support and is starting to get more excited.

My best suggestion would be to really sit down with him and explore exactly what he is thinking. :) from experience I also found it helpful to explain to my DH about my concerns about fertility as I got older.. and NHS eligibility for treatment based on age in some areass.. and how long it can take in normal circumstances as DH was completely oblivious to all of this. Lay everything out bare on the table so to speak. How your feeling too and trying to make a plan of action from there that works for both of you. These conversations were hard for us at first, but they got easier and it took quite a few conversations to talk it through. At least by talking you will know where you stand and what your options are going to be. Leaving someone you love is hard but if you both want different things over time that relationship will likely be a struggle to maintain. Esp as your body clock really starts ticking to have babies. Well done to you for bring assertive and deciding you will put your own needs first I think that's a brave and I admire you for being so strong.. the thought of having to make that decision in the past terrified me and I wasn't sure I could have done it. :)

Hi

Just read your post and it reminds me of what I was going through a couple of years ago.

I was with an ex for 5 years. The first 3 years we were together he used to say stuff like when we have kids etc... When it got to our 4th year he started saying stuff like he just wants to travel forever and children would just get on the way of having fun and he's not sure he wants them. We had a row about it because I'd asked him before and he had always said yes and after the row he confirmed that he does definitely want them.

About a month later when we was in our 5th year together he went all weird one night when we were out with friends. He started crying and we went home. He told me he doesn't want kids but has always told me he did because he didn't want to lose me. I was fuming. I found it to be the most selfish anyone has ever treated me. I told him we had to split up because we both wanted different things and he blamed me and said that I didn't love him and that I loved an unborn child more than him.

We were going to buy a house together the previous year and I'm so glad I didn't comment to that without being completely sure we wanted the same things. I am now with someone else and he's the most amazing person. I never thought id find anyone. We're currently 4 weeks pregnant but had a miscarriage last month so hoping this will be our rainbow baby.

I'm not telling you this to advise you to leave your bf. I'm telling you this so that you really do press him to make his mind up. And also think about what you really want. You might decide to do the opposite to what I did and it might be the best choice you ever make. This is your time to be selfish and think about what you want and when you want it. I wish I'd have know earlier on because I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life.

My ex did the exact same with me. He always mentioned having kids as he knew I wanted them young (early 20s I was about 24). He was early 30s. I had the conversation with him before I moved in with him and asked him if he wanted them in the next few years or even at all just so I made it clear that I wanted them! He said yes as you as you move in we can talk about it properly etc. I moved in and every time the conversation was bought up he'd say he's not sure; then the next he'd say yes but scared. Then always back to not sure or not being ready. He'd then change his mind and say as soon as we are engaged etc and always made excuses. Anyway, I told him it's best if we broke up eventually then he panicked and said he's ready for a baby just so I wouldn't leave but it's the same rubbish he always used to say!

Fast forward to now, I've bought a house with my current partner and we've had a baby together and already discussing number two! I'm far far happier and he never messed me about when I asked him about kids. By experience I think if they don't give you a straight answer then it's not what they want 😞

I was with my ex for over 10 years and he said all the same things, in the end I was getting closer to 30 with no real commitment from him on kids and I had to ask my self, is this a deal breaker for me? And the answer was yes, I knew I wanted children.

We broke up and I enjoyed single life for a bit then met my now partner and have one child already and another on the way.

I look back and think why did I leave it 10 years and not believe him when he told me he wasn't sure he wanted kids. Rather than think I could change his mind...

My ex also used to string me along with talks of weddings and babies to keep me sweet. But then would casually say he didn’t believe in marriage or didn’t like children just to upset me, absolutely hideous emotional abuse. Luckily he left me for a 17 year old (he was 26 🤮) and I married my best friend and we’ve had two children and are expecting a third. It’s difficult to give up something you have in persuit of what you think you might want but you need to be with someone on the same page as you in all aspects! Starting over again isn’t ever as daunting or scary as it seems xxx

Mine is a similar story to everyone elses.

I was with my ex for 3 years and thought he was "the one". We had a fab relationship on the surface and always spoke of getting married and having kids in a broad sense, and ended up buying a flat together. As I approached my 30th birthday I began to talk to him more seriously about having children and he always had a reason to delay "let's enjoy being in the flat first", "let's go travelling". After my 30th I told him I wanted children by the time I was 35 and he agreed to that however when it came down to actually having a conversation about starting to try he freaked out, told me he never children, never wanted to have that responsibility and said he went along with the chat about it so that he didn't hurt me 🙄.

Obviously it was an incredibly painful breakup but we simply weren't compatible and I didn't want to wait round and see if he would change his mind as I knew how important having children was to me.

Fast forward and I'm now with my current partner and 18 weeks pregnant with our first 😊. In comparison, my current bf told me from the start he wanted children and we were always able to have a very open discussion about timescales etc to figure out when would be right for both of us. He was 29 when I met him so age doesn't always factor in.

You need to decide if having children is the most important thing to you- would you be willing to leave your partner over it? You then need to sit him down put all your cards on the table if the answer is "yes" and talk to him very frankly to explain the situation. If he can't give you a straight "yes or no" by then, then you need to walk away.

My advice would also be to hold off or delay purchasing your house. Honestly having gone through a breakup and trying to sort out property after it, the property element was probably the most traumatic as it was such a lengthy and costly procedure)

Good luck OP. You'll know deep down what is right for you xx