Unexpectedly pregnant and scared.

[yorkiepud1122]

Hello,

I have no idea how to start this post (my head is a shed at the moment) but I am unexpectedly pregnant and I have no idea what to do.

I have been with my partner now for about 18 months and we have lived together since March 2020 (we locked down together and it’s has been great living with each other since). We a currently live in a flat with my friend, however we’re moving out next month into a nice two bed terrace house (rented).

September 2020 I had three random tonic clonic seizures and since then I have been on a whole range of medications. In January 2021 I got put on a round of Topamax which was due to last 16 weeks. My doctor informed me Tomamax can effect the birth control pill.
However due to being so underweight the majority of my life my periods have always been up and down and very light, from January 2017 – November 2019 I did not have a single period. I have been to the doctors about this previously and I was informed that I may struggle to conceive if I ever wanted children and may have to take an IVF route, I always put this thought on the back-burner as I said I would never want children till I’m at least early thirties, married and own my own house.

I am 27, unmarried (however my partner is amazing and I do love him) and we rent, we both have fantastic jobs which do pay very well but I feel that we’re still not where we’d like to be. I currently have a year driving ban due to my seizures and my partner cannot drive, he is going to start lessons next month once we have moved house.

I felt ‘different’ for about two weeks and I knew something was not right. I am also a week late on my period and no sign of it starting soon. My partner picked up a test this morning for me to take after work tonight, however curiosity and paranoia got the better of me and I took one today at work… There is a faint second line.

I do not know what to do right now. I know after we take this test tonight it will be confirmed and my partner will also know. I am over thinking everything at the moment and I am not sure if we’re ready for this but at the same time I think we might be.

I am worried people may think I am a stupid girl who got pregnant deliberately. My partners parents are quite against children before marriage, one of their nieces got pregnant aged 22 before marriage and they judged her.
Me and my partner at the moment do not have a car and cannot drive (I have a licence but a banned till September 2021 due to my seizures). We no do own our house. I am due to start a new job at work next week on a 12 month secondment, will a pregnancy and maternity leave effect this?
My own mother walked out on me about 12 years ago, will I be a bad parent like her also?
We enjoy going out with friends and having a good social life, what if we regret this life changing decision when it’s to late and me and my partner miss our ‘old social’ life to much and it drives us away from each other? Do unplanned pregnancies ruin relationships?
I would say my current emotions and worries can be summed up by saying I am in denial, shock and fear.

But…. I am also on the other side of the spectrum also.
What if we can make this work? I would like children one day and is there ever a right time to have a child? Finically we both bring in a household income of £62k a year, but as I said previously we do not have a mortgage and car currently. I know we both will make fantastic parents one day and is this a true blessing in disguise after one of the hardest years ever?

I understand that at the end of the day the decision is mine and my partners, I would just love some support and advice and seeing if anyone else has been in a similar position?

Sorry about the long post, I just wanted to get as much info as I could as I am currently panicking and really don’t know who to turn to.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this.

You need to slow right down. Breathe. It will all be ok. Can you leave work? Or call your partner? It's a shock but you will calm down. And congratulations!

You need to tackle one thing at a time here. First off forget what anyone else thinks. This is between you and your partner, nobody elses opinions matter. Secondly just because your mother wasn't great , doesnt mean you cant be a great mother. The driving situation is easily sorted and loads of people have a baby with no car. The rest will fall into place. Just take a deep breath and talk to your partner. Well I discovered I was pregnant a few months back , even though we had planned it , I still had a freak out , it's a scary time but that's 100% natural and doesnt mean you cant do it if you choose to 💐💐💐

Congratulations, like others have said, just breathe. Ignore people who may judge you, times have changed. You're 27, not exactly a teenager, you and your partner have good jobs, seem settled and stable. Sure it's a shock and will take time to come to terms with but everything will work out and fall in to place! One thing I will say is make sure you speak to your doctor as early as you can as some anti-epileptic meds can't be used in pregnancy and/or need monitoring closely and doses potentially changing, especially sodium valproate (Epilim) x

If it's a faint line, I'd do a few more tests over the next few days to make sure it's actually a positive. Cheap blue dye tests (tesco etc) have given me very faint blue lines before when I've not been pregnant.

The rest of the details really are just details and can be worked out easily. The fact of the matter is that you and your partner are in a stable relationship, stable jobs and have a stable home, rented or not.

Ignore any judgement from anyone else, people have their own opinions about everything to do with pregnancy and babies and most of it in my experience is best tolerated with a polite smile and shrugged off. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Bless you, and congratulations! Nothing you've written gives me the slightest concern that you won't be able to manage motherhood. I had my first at 27. It was planned but I still wasn't ready when I saw the line!

We rent, neither of us drives, and we've had two children with a third on the way and it's never been a problem. I know at least one person who got pregnant by accident (as in, I am certain because she told me - there may secretly be others!) and whether your family judge you or not, it's a perfectly normal thing and happens all the time and doesn't mean anything about your parenting and relationship.

The one thing I really wanted to pick up on was wondering whether you'll be a bad mother like yours was. I have very emotionally distant and uncaring and judgmental parents. I had postnatal depression and saw a therapist and we spent a lot of time talking about how I was worried I would make my baby miserable just like my parents made me. Now that I'm out of the blinkered fog of PND, I can empathically say NO. NO you absolutely are not doomed to repeat your mother's mistakes. Don't think for one second that you are. YOU can choose how you behave with your children and YOU can choose to do things differently. Don't ever think fatalistically about that. You sound like a lovely caring person for trying to think this all through so thoroughly and do the best for your baby. If you struggle with bonding with your baby, there's lots of help available and you can consciously learn how to be a loving and attentive parent. I didn't feel that many things came naturally to me at all, but now I hug my toddler and tell him I love him all the time - and it's really true! I'm only three years into the parenting lark, but thinking about my own childhood, I'm a completely different parent to my own parents and I wish I'd never worried that I was doomed to make my children unhappy.

There's never a perfect time to be pregnant, but you sound like you're in a great place. Give yourself some time to get over the shock!

You’ve had some excellent advice here already, but I just wanted to add something on the point of social life.

My husband and I are very social people (my husband particularly) and we were worried about the impact children would have on this, but we also wanted children so just decided we’d make it work. We had our son in Oct 2019 and so had a few months of ‘normal’ life pre Covid. In that time we took our little one to the pub and restaurants regularly - newborns are actually quite easy for this - but we also made sure that each of us had regular evenings/days off baby duty to go out and see our friends. It is possible to keep up a fairly good social life. Obviously it’s not the same as before, and they get a bit trickier to have out with you as they get older and more demanding, but it’s completely doable, even if a bit different.

Congratulations. I know it feels overwhelming, I am currently pregnant with our second and it was unplanned and I felt really mixed about it when I found out. Now I’ve settled into the idea, it’s exciting. If your other half is on board, forget anyone else’s opinions and do what you want to do.

How are you feeling today x