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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant 21 One night stand how to tell mom

20 replies

YoungMomK99 · 21/04/2021 22:15

So I'm 21 and pregnant, I wasn't trying but I wasn't trying to prevent pregnancy either. Just let it happen if it was gods plan. Well I'm pregnant now. My mum I tried talking to her before because at one point I was trying intentionally to have a baby alone from a hook up and she didnt agree. She thinks I should be older, she says I'm being selfish, and doesnt agree. So I have no clue how to tell her and be okay with her reaction.
I think she will be a bit upset and either way it was my choice and all which I get, I live alone have a car and its my decision but shes my mum and I want her to be happy and proud of me

OP posts:
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liverpool1981 · 21/04/2021 23:44

Congratulations, a baby is a gift. You sound as if this is something you had planned. I am sure your mum just wants the best for you. Can I ask about the father? Do you know him well? Have you told him? Are you financially stable? Will you have family help when the little one arrives? Its going to take more than a car and a house to rare a child.

Skymum82 · 22/04/2021 06:05

Well she is going to be shocked, however once she sees you as a mum she is more likely To be proud of you. I'm Not sure if she will be proud that you had a one night stand to get pregnant. 🤦🏼‍♀️
I do feel for the dad a bit def a good idea for him to agree first.
Good luck to you. I'm sure once baby is here your mum will be happy.

BergamotMouse · 22/04/2021 06:38

Did your one night stand know you weren't trying to prevent pregnancy? Obviously he should have protected himself to prevent it too but he now has a huge commitment that he didn't agree to.

I'd be more worried about that than your mum.

Re your mum, whilst it will be a shock, I'm sure she will come round to the idea.

trollopolis · 22/04/2021 06:42

I wasn't trying to prevent pregnancy either

Hmm

It does sound as if you were trying - unprotected one night stands, casual hook ups having featured in your life for a while.

I suggest that as you are leaving it to God, you pray for guidance in how to tell your DMum that you have carried out you ur plan.

But please trust doctors, not just God for your health and that of the baby now. Which begins with an STI test at first MW appointment

EarringsandLipstick · 22/04/2021 07:00

shes my mum and I want her to be happy and proud of me

It doesn't sound like she's going to be, from what she said before. Understandably, she had concerns you were trying to get pregnant from 'hook ups' with the intention of being a sole parent. That is immature & poorly thought out.

If you are happy you are having a baby, and can provide for that baby sufficiently (having a car isn't really a key criterion), then that's all you need to say to her. It's your life.

However, have you planned this out? 21 is young. Have you finished your education? Have a secure job? Support from a partner / the father? Plans for childcare.

You are entitled to make your own decisions. Your post however sounds somewhat immature & irresponsible, which is what concerned your mum.

Now you are pregnant, you need to consider the child you'll have & make plans appropriately.

awesomekillick · 22/04/2021 07:02

Your DM is correct. You're just going to have to be adult enough to own your actions and manage the consequences. I'm sure your mum will come around after a while. Your DM will be hurting to see her own DD making such a mistake.

reprehensibleme · 22/04/2021 07:08

What could possibly go wrong?

Cherryblossom2021 · 22/04/2021 07:55

Sorry but I have to say this , you sound very immature. You have purposely got yourself pregnant and are scared to tell your mum, how are you going to support yourself and that child both financially and mentally, Do you really think you are ready to raise a baby alone , sleep deprivation, teething, colic and sickness just to name a few things you will be dealing with alone night after night when your alone and your friends are enjoying themselves., that car you have is not going to feed and babysit your child so you can go out . What about the dad , do you know him? He has a right to know you decided his future aswell as your own and made him a daddy - yes he should have used protection but you set out to have a baby he didn’t. Sorry if I sound harsh but this is the real world not all rainbows and unicorns a baby is for life , that is now part of you till you die you can’t just Chuck it in the corner when the novelty wears off .

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/04/2021 08:51

What a post.

Please tell us the father knew of your plan and was ok with the consequences of you becoming pregnant?

I'm not sure there is a way your mum will be happy in the short term but I'm sure she'll love her grandchild regardless.

You need to work out the logistics of how this will pan out - what support you'll have for childcare, how you'll finance raising a child, working around what childcare you have, possible nursery costs thrown in the mix etc.

babydust13 · 22/04/2021 11:30

It sounds like you wanted to get pregnant I hope the poor guy knew of your plans it's life changing for both of you. You sound pretty selfish and immature you wanted a baby so you went out and got one no matter what the cost to anyone involved. I hope you can look after a baby with that selfish streak

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2021 11:33

Why would she be proud of you for what you have done? It’s not something anyone should be proud of.
You can hope she will offer support where needed and love her grandchild but you have been pretty irresponsible and stupid so I have no idea why she would be proud of that.
You really need to grow up a bit more now you are about to be a single parent

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 11:53

@Cherryblossom2021

Sorry but I have to say this , you sound very immature. You have purposely got yourself pregnant and are scared to tell your mum, how are you going to support yourself and that child both financially and mentally, Do you really think you are ready to raise a baby alone , sleep deprivation, teething, colic and sickness just to name a few things you will be dealing with alone night after night when your alone and your friends are enjoying themselves., that car you have is not going to feed and babysit your child so you can go out . What about the dad , do you know him? He has a right to know you decided his future aswell as your own and made him a daddy - yes he should have used protection but you set out to have a baby he didn’t. Sorry if I sound harsh but this is the real world not all rainbows and unicorns a baby is for life , that is now part of you till you die you can’t just Chuck it in the corner when the novelty wears off .
That 100%.

Why the obsession with having a baby at your age, with no partner?

MamaMoonbeam · 22/04/2021 12:52

🤦🏻‍♀️

MrsMiddleMother · 22/04/2021 14:05

I'd be more concerned about telling the man you've just made a baby with than your mother.

Wallywobbles · 22/04/2021 14:27

@MrsMiddleMother

I'd be more concerned about telling the man you've just made a baby with than your mother.
This. He is on the hook for this baby for the rest of his life. In his shoes I'd be devastated- it's a hell of a punishment for not wearing a condom.

And the child has the right to a relationship with their father. For ever and ever. Unless the child decides otherwise.

God I hope this is not real. I feel sorry for everyone involved but not do much you.

Dr273 · 22/04/2021 14:45

OP, your belief in a god does not justify not taking responsibility for your behaviour. Your mum will not be proud of you because it sounds very much like you went into something without thinking through the consequences.
Become a great INDEPENDENT parent, and then she may be proud of you. That sentiment has to be earnt from her. I'm sure she will love your child whatever. Please do not plan with the expectation she will provide childcare.

Chelyanne · 22/04/2021 15:00

Just tell her and get on with it.

I remember telling my mum I was pregnant with our eldest at 20, I was engaged to the dad though.

FeistySheep · 22/04/2021 16:42

Well I'm going to disagree slightly with the consensus (just because I can) Grin

First, there is nothing wrong with being pregnant at 21. Your relative youth means that you are less likely to be in a reasonable financial position, but plenty of older people also have kids in poor financial situations. I can't see the difference.

Second, PROVIDING you did not mislead the father, and you didn't lie and say you were on contraception, then he was just as cavalier as you. Sleeping around is dodgy from an STI point of view, but that aside I can't see how it's different to another woman deciding she wants to have a child and going to a sperm bank. This is something which many posters on MN often suggest as an option for women in maybe their late 30s who don't have a partner but who want kids.

That said, I would not want to be in your position myself. I waited until I was in a loving marriage before creating children, both for my own benefit and for theirs and for their father's. This is the life I want. If my husband dies I will manage of course, but I would not choose single parenthood.

But it's done now. In your shoes I'd make a financial plan first before talking to your mum. Demonstrate you've thought this through (I assume you have). If you're working just now you'll get some maternity pay for a bit off the government, but what's your plan after 9 months when it runs out? Do you earn enough money to cover childcare? Whilst it may be that your mum might offer to do a day a week at a later stage, don't whatever you do factor this into your plan! Will the father pay maintenance? Find out how much that will be.

Once you've done that, tell your mum and tell her your plan. Yes, she will probably think you've been far too hasty. She will probably be really sad because you could have done it in a more traditional way and you will miss out on a lot because of this. Give her a few days/couple of weeks to be sad/disappointed. After that, hopefully she will support you even if she doesn't agree with your decision. Good luck!

Rosieposy89 · 22/04/2021 18:29

If you're too scared to tell your Mum then you don't sound mature enough for a baby tbh. You need to own it, it's your body.

liverpool1981 · 28/04/2021 13:49

Well have you told your mother yet?

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