Funny birth stories!

[Ava50x]

Do you have any funny birth/pregnancy stories to share?

I had this when I was giving birth to DS2. It was extremely quick birth and really easy too! From first contraction to baby born was just 2 hours. I went in after about 45 minutes of contractions, which were long and strong and close together right away so I knew this was it.

The midwife who checked me was a lovely midwive with a strong foreign accent. I wish I could spell the way she spoke because it was so funny! Anyway so she told me, "you're talkin, you're laughin, you're not in labour, I don't think so..." but after checking me, she took her hand out and said, " I don't believe it but you're 6cm! And here you are, talkin and laughin..."

Anyway I was admitted to the birth centre and less than an hour later my baby was born. I was checked, given a couple of stitches, showered, breastfed and tucked up in bed with my baby.

About an hour after the birth, this same midwife who had checked me came into the room to check the oxygen thingies on the wall, and she did a double take- her face was an absolute picture! "I don't believe it! You've had the baby? And here I didn't think you were in labour! You were talkin, you were laughin..." It was just so funny.

I appreciate that reading it seems quite dull and not funny! I've read several midwife books and each of them has funny stories to tell. So if the midwives are writing them, they must have happened to some women...

Would love to hear your stories!!

[quote AngeloMysterioso]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/263007-funniest-bit-of-childbirth[/quote]
Thank you for this! I have been crying with laughter!

Oh goodness, same birth as the I'M HAVING A BABY one, I had a labial tear on one side. After the poor delivery midwife had gone and had a sit down (without catching any more babies in the meantime!) she came back to stitch me up. I said I had to go for a wee first because I was full of Lucozade and was worried I might wee on her while she was stitching me up. She warned me it would hurt if I went before the stitches but I insisted and was sure she was exaggerating.

I go into the en suite loo, leaving DH holding baby and midwife waiting outside. Lower myself down. Release, and... "OW, FUCK, THAT REALLY HURTS! FUCK! OW!" echoes out into the room. DH and MW look at each other. I reappear casually. "Er, yeah, it did sting a bit. I'm ready to be stitched up now, though."

Still glad I went, though, so I didn't have to try and operate my pelvic floor while being stitched up!

OMG, these are epic!
thank you everyone for sharing! I'm sat here with tears pouring from my eyes... Best laugher therapy!
Was discussing this thread with a friend. She said when her DD was born, she was labouring in the pool. When her waters broke, there was so much of it that somehow it ended up splashing out of the sides of the pool, soaking the poor midwife!

My husbands favourite story ever, he can't tell it without laughing and says it's his favourite moment from our life together!

I had given birth to DD, epidural and a fair few meds to boot, I was finally up on recovery, still couldn't feel my legs and I suddenly just knew I was about to shit myself. Didn't feel it coming but knew it was too late to stop it, diahorrea'd all over the bed. Sheepishly called the nurse.

as my husband will say "she lovingly, spent time and effort crafting that new pristine white bedding", whilst rolling my huge backside to do so. After a good 5 minutes, she rolls me back, pulls my new cover over me and walks out. . .

30 seconds later the same thing happens and it was too late. He went back to get her and describes her poor face as "destroyed"

Poor woman! Thank heavens for the dedicated workers of the NHS!

@PerspicaciousGreen

OP, I had the same thing! Turned up at triage as my waters had broken when I woke up and I'd started having contractions half an hour later.

"Oh, you're 3cm, you'll be ages yet, why don't you walk around? Do you love close by?" "I AM NOT GOING HOME. GET ME TO THE BIRTH CENTRE. I AM HAVING A BABY ." "I know, I know, but you're still in early labour." "I WANT TO SIT IN A WHEELCHAIR. I AM HAVING A BABY." "Ok, ok, we have a spare one here. You sit down." "I NEED TO BE IN THE BIRTH CENTRE. I AM HAVING A BABY." "Alright, alright, I'm ring down and see if they have anywhere they can put you for the time being." "THANK YOU."

I am wheeled downstairs and popped into a postnatal room to get me out of the triage midwife's hair. The one who wheeled me is still in the room when I say "I AM GOING TO PUSH NOW." "What?!" "GET ME ONTO THAT BED OR I WILL HAVE THE BABY ON THE FLOOR. I AM GOING TO PUSH NOW." Panic ensued, the delivery midwife ran in from next door where she'd only just caught that baby, gas and air appeared, I was manhandled onto the bed, at some point I stripped my dress off and told them they could just cut my knickers off but was persuaded that maybe just pulling them down was better, six pushes later, out comes baby.

Half an hour later, down comes triage midwife to "see if you've progressed at all" and her jaw hits the floor to see me holding a baby! "You've had the baby! And you're smiling!" Correct, now that I wasn't dilating from 3cm to 10cm over the course of 90 minutes, I was no longer snarling like a feral cat! And, by the way, I said I was HAVING A BABY and I was right!

I was at the hospital for an antenatal appointment today and walked past that triage midwife in the corridor. Clearly I made a bit of an impression, because she immediately said, "It's YOU! Oh my goodness, do you remember me? We popped you on the ward and you just HAD THE BABY! I couldn't believe it when I came back down! Are you back again with another one? Congratulations! We'll be seeing you soon, then!"

Clearly I made a bit of an impression if she recognised me walking past in the corridor wearing a mask eighteen months later! I just mumbled something incoherent about hopefully being able to hang on a bit longer this time and then she breezed off, possibly telling her colleagues about this woman who said she was HAVING A BABY and then just, y'know, had the baby! Still, I hope she's on duty when I go into labour with this one - I'm sure we won't have any trouble convincing her I'm in active labour!

I also now remember that she said I was obviously very anxious (I was, previous birth trauma was in my notes) and she'd managed to get hold of one of the home birth midwives who'd be able to come in in a few hours to sit with me if I didn't want to go home. It was incredibly kind of her, but this was about 45 minutes before I had the baby in my arms! I hope the homebirth midwife was told she didn't need to come in before she set off!

These are hilarious.

Labour progressed v quickly with my DS, my waters were popped and he was born 3 hours later. I got to 8cm in less than an hour and baby was in distress so was given a spinal block and they were going to use forceps. I was sitting on the bed waiting for them to do the spinal block, trying not to move with the strong contractions and this "Dr" comes over and sits in front of me and holds my hand. Oh thats nice I think in my dazed state. He starts rubbing my leg too and speaking to me in a soft voice. It took me at least 10mins to realise it was my husband in scrubs!

Also, like @Clareypoo as soon as DS was born I puked on him and my DH.

After delivering my daughter, the midwife said I had torn and needed stitches. As she started stitching me up, she said “you’ve actually torn a little flap... 20 years ago, they wouldn’t have told you that. They’d just have cut it off... but these days, we see stitching as an art form. Don’t you worry, you’ll be left with a beautiful vagina again”.
I was quite shell shocked and didn’t really know what to say, but was very thankful that she didn’t just whip a flap off! 🤣🤣
She then finished her job and invited my husband to go down and inspect her handiwork. I don’t know who was more horrified... him or me!

DS2 was born at home, delivered by DH as the midwife was stuck on her way to us, and the paramedic wasn’t quick enough.

Poor DH caught DS2 while he was on the phone to the ambulance, talking him through what to do. It was all such a rush, he didn’t even manage to put the phone e down - he had it clamped between his ear and shoulder.

He tried to pass me the baby, but managed to get the curly phone cable caught around the umbilical cord.

It took us about three goes to hand baby from him to me juggling the fucking landline. Readers, he has a mobile. That was the phone he chose.

@enjoyingscience oh my thats hysterical!

Loving all the stories, thanks for sharing!

For my first labour I was obsessed with packing the hospital bag and I read so many blogs etc and watched YouTube videos about the bag and I was convinced I needed special ‘birth’ outfits. I had one for land and one for sea. In the rush of getting to the hospital - there was nowhere to park so my husband literally threw me out at the entrance and turned up half an hour later - it would appear he forgot all of the bags in the car. Had to give birth in what I was wearing and we had literally nothing to put the baby in. He begrudgingly went to the car and bought the babies bag so we were able to get him dressed but when it was time for me to have a shower he hasn’t even bought my bag and said I was being dramatic because I didn’t really need it 🙈
Baby #2 I carried all my own bags and had so much less dignity I didn’t feel the need for any special outfits 😂

@Keyboard91

I tore when my son flew out (not the funny part!)

They asked whether a junior (male) obstetrician could sew me up. Didn’t have an issue so agreed.

Set the scene - I’d had an epidural and was in control of nothing.

Legs go in stirrups, young man between my legs. So what did MY BODY decide to do?

FART on his face 🤣 he jumped but remained oh so professional. I was mortified.

It gets worse

I was like a school girl trying to stifle my fits of laughter. Crying with (mostly silent) laughter. Properly laughing from my belly.

Farted in his face AGAIN. Wasn’t quiet. Both the obstetrician and my partner jumped. Even more mortified.

When he finished he thanked me for allowing him to do the stitches .... whilst looking at the floor and bright red 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and made a swift exit!

Midwife came in after and said ‘I hear you’ve been putting our junior through his paces’ .... to which I replied automatically ‘I think I blew his mind’ and we all lost it 🤣🤣🤣

I really hope he’s finished his rotation and has moved on before this baby arrives 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Laying here absolutely giggling @Keyboard91 😂😂😂😂😂😂

I was overdue and was about to be induced, someone told me to eat a hot curry and pineapple to get baby moving. Did as they suggested, baby still didn’t want to come out, so they induced me and I started in labour. Got an almighty urge to push them shat all over the bed. I still blame the curry!!

I asked my midwife if she was a stripper in her previous job as she had that kinda voice haha also just as she was done an "inspection" I let out the biggest and most embarrassing fart ever right in her face

With my first daughter, my midwife was called Hermione. I was so high on gas and air and the epidural I kept banging on about how much I love Harry Potter! and If she had seen it!! Poor gal.

My second one too was very quick! I remember the midwife checking me and I was suddenly at 7cm! I got there and I was only 2cm but in agony so they let me stay. They thought I would probably go home. I said to her 'oh great, I'm ready for epidural now!' .. she said 'too late!' To which I cried and said and I quote 'no! I'm a week overdue this baby is going to be massive you dont understand!! I'm going to have one hole!!' They baby was massive.. 9.6lbs, but I still have two holes which is fantastic. She put her on me and I said (in my very shocked state) 'oh! Shes tiny!' The midwife said..'no shes not!!!!' Lol

Love this thread.
With my first (12 days overdue, induced, 36 hours and ended up with emergency c section) I was absolutely off my tits on gas and air. I'd requested some pethidine. The midwife said where would I like it, in the leg or the bottom? My answer.....go for the arse duck, much more padding there. DH snorted laughing

Wasn’t actually in labour but about to have semi emcs and had been on a morphine iv for 3 days so pretty out of it the last drs explaining the risks of the baby being born this early aled if I had any questions I answered have you not got any better sheets this ones been getting on my nerves for days I had completely redirected all my anger to the sheet that wouldn’t stay on the bad in them last few days

During a relatively quick induction I was having full regular contractions. Really struggling with pain after 3 hours. Asked fir en epidural. Midwife said yes but need to examine you first. When she did she said it was too late for epidural because I was 10cm dilated and time to push. I replied with ‘you’re not lying to encourage me are you because that would be a really shit joke’ 45 min later DS was born.

Enjoying these. Have a pg friend atm.

I live reading all of these!!

PWith DC1 my contractions were very painful. I was kneeling on the hospital bed squeezing my husband's hand. He flinched and the midwife noticed a plaster on his finger where he had cut himself with a kitchen knife the day before. She said "oh ouch, that looks painful". I gave them both a death stare 😂

With DC2 I was having a home birth. I was alone in the living room having a contraction. My doula had been rubbing my back during previous contractions. In walks my then four year old, starts rubbing my back and says "Mummy, it's really hard work!"
Yes it is, darling 😂