Unexpected pregnancy

[cutejeans]

Hello!

I'm new to MumsNet but I'm desperate for some unbiased advice. I'm only 20 but I've just fallen pregnant unexpectedly and I've got no idea what to do! I'm only around 6 weeks along so it's obviously very early on.

I've also only been with my boyfriend for 8 months. He works full time, but I'm in my first year of studying a law degree. We're very happy together but I've got no idea if it's realistic for us to have a baby!

If I was to continue with the pregnancy, my plan would be to finish the rest of my first year (only 8 weeks left) and then take a maternity leave of absence before continuing with my studies.

Both my mum and my boyfriend have said it's completely my decision and they will be fully supportive, but I know he'd be happy if I wanted to keep it. I'd like to think that I've got my head screwed on and I'm mature for my age, but I'm just so scared and confused! Does anyone have any words of advice?

I know that pregnancy termination is a very touchy subject and I mean no offence at all.
Also, sorry if I've used any wrong terms, I'm brand new here so I don't know the 'lingo' yet!

In your shoes, I would terminate. You have plenty of time ahead of you, a law degree is incredibly demanding, you don't have a reliable income, and you've only known the father a few months. Do you even live together? You have no idea how compatible you are long term.

You say he'd be happy for you to keep it, but what parenting experience has he? How hands on will he be? (Hint, men are good about being enthusiastic, until the 4am shit explosion when he has a long day in the morning...)

How would you cope as a single parent if he doesn't step up, or leaves after a few hard months? What childcare plans do you have when you return to your studies? (Uni can help, sometimes.)

Think it all through before you make your decision. This isn't just a cute cooing baby, it's a minimum 18 year commitment.

I hope you make the choice that's right for you, either way, and wish you all the best.

I wasn't quite in your situation, but I fell pregnant on the young side when my relationship was less than a year old. We didn't live together, there were plenty of reasons why a termination may have been sensible and it is what I decided to do. I then got to the BPAS and couldn't go through with it - I just couldn't terminate a baby that I knew I could look after even if then DP (now DH) decided not to be involved. So we muddled on and had DD. She is 8 now and I feel sick every time I think that I even considered not having her. Unless you 100% want a termination (which I totally support by the way, I am in no way anti abortion) I would think carefully and take your time. If you have your DPs support, and failing that your mum's, you could go ahead if you wanted to. You wouldn't be the first person to take a year out of your degree to have a baby. It will be quite hard if you go ahead and there will be years of juggling/studying to fit in. But a termination is a big deal mentally for some people. Good luck with your decision, whatever you decide will be the right thing.

I would be so conflicted between head and heart, so it must be so so hard for you.

I am a believer in fate though and I think everything happens for a reason, others may give more 'rational' suggestions but to me I would have the baby. I don't think you would ever regret having a child.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

Either option for you is an ok one. For what it's worth, I did my degree and PGCE after my son was born and it was hard - but I did it and came out with a first. I just had to be organised with my time and disciplined with myself!!

Similarly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding it's not the right time for a baby and you'd rather press on with your studies and think about a family later.

Think about the logistics - family support, finances, single parenthood (just in case) etc. You can't plan for every eventuality but you can think about the possibilities.

In your position, I would terminate. You're so early in the pregnancy and haven't been together very long. In the end though it's your decision. Good luck 💐

Nobody can tell you what to do. I had my DS at 21 in a non stable relationship, termination crossed my mind briefly but as a previous poster above said, I couldn't do it when I knew I could still bring this baby up with or without his father. Which is exactly what I have done. My son is now 7 and having him was the best decision I could have ever made, I'm now studying along side working as he is in school so there is plenty of time in the future for you to pick up your studies if keeping the baby is what you decide to do. It really is your choice but I just wouldn't rush into a termination. Sending lots of love. Xx

No one can tell you what to do, only you and your partner can choose. I fell pregnant with my first after only being with my partner for 1month. I had a job etc but it was a 0 hour contract I gave it up to have my son and its the best thing I did. Me and partner have now been together 7 years and have a 6,5 and 15 week old.

If you want the baby then you'll have no regrets keeping it. My only advice is if you have an abortion please make sure it's 100% what you want to do. I know people that have had an abortion and regretted it straight away. Good luck and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

I had a similar experience. I became pregnant aged 18 and went ahead with the pregnancy, with no support or contact with the father, and deferred my university place by two years and then did my degree, with DD in tow, when she was 16 months old. She had a place in the university nursery.

DD is now 20 and I definitely don't regret the decision. Yes, it was tough juggling a baby and a degree, but it was doable. I had a lot of support from my mother and the university.

I'm now in a situation where, aged 39, I've just had two miscarriages in a row and am trying to conceive a baby. It's pretty heartbreaking but I thank god every day that at least I have my daughter. I always knew I wanted children and whilst many people told me to have an abortion when I was 18, I'm so glad I didn't listen to them.

Ultimately it's up to you. But I suppose one thing to consider is how you'd feel if, in a decade or so, you wanted a baby and for whatever reason it didn't happen. But I think you need to work out what support would be in place if you do go ahead with the pregnancy and if you can cope if the relationship fails (which, with the best will in the world, it may well do if you've only been together for a number of months).

I think you need to make the decision assuming that you would be a single parent and that you would not have any support or help from your boyfriend. Sorry if that sounds cynical but it is going to be you who is literally left holding the baby if he loses enthusiasm and buggers off. It’s such a new relationship and you are both so young that you can’t possibly be certain that he will stick around for the long haul (to be fair, loads of women end up in this situation even when their partners are much older and supposedly responsible and the baby was planned!).

If you think you still want to keep the baby even if you’d be doing it alone then I think it’s fine for you to go ahead as you plan, try to make the relationship work but also ensure that baby is your number one focus. Take a year of maternity leave and then go back for your second year, don’t let this stop you from studying! I’ve seen lots of students make it work and most universities have subsidised nursery places on campus for students. Best of luck.

Hi everyone,
Thankyou all so much for your comments of advice!
Me and DP (I'm getting there with the lingo) have decided to keep the baby! It was such a shock but we're so happy x

Congratulations x

@cutejeans congratulations! So happy you and DP are keeping the baby . I'm sure you can pick up your career after baby . I know lots of people who did this part way through nursing degree that I was on . It's just life isn't it :).all the best

Congratulations! That's wonderful news. I urge you to take advantage of all possible avenues of support, be it from your university, your friends and family, or health visitors etc. Your midwife will hopefully be able to point you in the right direction locally. Accept all help offered to get yourself and your baby off to the best possible start.

Also, consider getting married. There are lots of Mumsnet threads with pros and cons of having children in and out of wedlock. Some are very gloomy, but it would be good for you to know the possible ramifications of your choice down the line if you and your boyfriend go through a rough patch together.

Try to meet other parents in a similar situation. There might be meetups or support groups locally.

My brother's friend was in a similar situation, and while it was hard for them, they're delighted with their baby.

Glad you both took the time to sit down and think/talk it through. Congratulations to both, and do stick around MN for support as your new family develops. 😎

Your thread caught my eye. I was also 20 and in my second year of a law degree. I took a year maternity and OH worked full time. Over the last 10 years we have both worked hard to provide an amazing life for my now and 10 year old. We also now have 4 year old too. It can be done and so many people told me I was ruining my life. I genuinely believe everything happens for a reason. Falling pregnant pushed both me and my partner to commit to our future and we are now very comfortable and happy. Far feom ruining our life’s.

If I were you, I would terminate.

Mainly because of the relationship being so new, your age and how it may disrupt your future career/degree.

You have plenty more years to do the whole baby thing hopefully as a lawyer and in a more long-term relationship.

But of course, that is just one side.

How anyone could give advice by saying if 'I were you I'd terminate' is absolutly awful.
Nobody can advise someone else what to do in this circumstance as it isn't relevant to the OP. You are NOT that person, not in the same position and even imagining you were is hypothetical so impossible to give an answer on unless it were ACTUALLY happening to you. I've had a termination before and have nothing against them and it was right for me at the time.. But if someone had told me they thought I should have it it would have been very bad advice!! Only the person can make that decision.

I know OP asked for advice but my mind is truly blown sometimes on here 🙈

Glad you've been able to discuss with your partner OP and come to a decision (either decision would have been right for you both whichever you chose after chatting about it)

Most of all.. Congratulations on your pregnancy now you've decided to keep it xx

As the first to respond with, "If I were you", all it means is, "In your circumstances, I would...". And I would have done. OP has made a different decision and I wish her all the best.

Surely most MN advice is fundamentally "If I were you" - buy or not buy a house/bed/sofa/packet of biscuits, marry/cohabit/ltb, take a new job, move to Australia, name the issue! Sometimes it's a hypothetical answer, sometimes it's based on actual personal experience, termination is no different.